Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, December 1, 1994 TAG: 9412010112
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE:
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
There are just 24 shopping days till Christmas, which can only mean one thing: Men everywhere could care less.
Yeah, men, this one's for most of you.
You know who you are, ye of the dig-through-the-Revco-bargain-bin faith on Christmas Eve, while your wife's at home cooking - all of her shopping already wrapped and stacked neatly under the tree.
You're the same guys who clog up the express line every Valentine's Day, the Harris Teeter roses wilting in your sweaty little hands.
Shameless shoppers, you spend hours trying to master the layout of the new massive Lowe's. But you scamper out of a mall faster than a cockroach under lights.
Too much emphasis on materialism, you say. Too little attention paid to the true meaning of the day, which is to watch football games and drink beer and stop little Joshua from Mighty Morfing his little sister on the head.
Luckily, my girlfriends and I can help. In the interest of holiday harmony, we've composed a Male Gift Guide that's sure to steer you clear of the Dustbusters and logs of smoked meat. Which brings us to Rule No. 1:
Never buy a present that benefits you more than your wife or girlfriend. Such goodies include cleaning and cooking devices, gift certificates to Kroger, or life-insurance policies naming yourself as the beneficiary.
One friend recalled when her husband - now her ex, which should tell you something - gave her these misdirected gifts on their first Christmas: a Mexican cookbook and a slim-down exercise guide published by the the U.S. Air Force.
She was welcome to cook his favorite foods ... as long as she only took a nibble or two herself.
Another friend related this tale of holiday cheer, compliments of her ``practice husband'': She'd been in the emergency room three times that year for stitches, from cuts acquired while washing dishes. Each time the doctor told her to keep the wound dry, telling her to husband take over dish duty, which he begrudgingly did.
That Christmas he bought her a dishwasher. My friend has since remarried a man who already owned a dishwasher - which he stacks regularly.
Try to keep it romantic, or at least sweet. That means: No car tires (even if she needs them) and no T-shirts or baseball caps, especially if they have team names or sayings.
A sportswriter I know once bought his wife a sewing machine for Christmas - so she could fix the buttons that had fallen from his shirts and pants. (If I need to explain why that's both lousy AND impractical, guys, trust me. Don't even consider it.)
When buying clothes, remember that the smaller size always makes a better impression, even if it doesn't fit.
The possible exception here is the Wonderbra, which is a questionable selection anyway - and definitely out of the question if she hasn't said she wants one.
Don't skimp if you can help it. Remember, she's shopping for you, the kids, her family and all 18 of your relatives - which is reason enough to go all-out for her.
A few years back I asked my husband for a watch with a scarab-stone band. He bought me the band, a very nice one.
This year I'm asking for the watch to go with it. If I'm lucky, the battery will even be included.
And finally, one last practical tip: Keep your receipts. Maybe even earmark a spot in your wallet for them, somewhere between your 1984 Clapton ticket stub and your ``Buy nine lunches, get the 10th free'' card. Better yet, save your wife a step in the returns process and give them to her immediately.
You have 24 days now, so shop early, shop often and remember this clever saying, silk-screened on a black T-shirt my friend Kim received from a beau, Christmas 1985: ``Get Your Butt Rockin'. ''
Don't even think about it.
Beth Macy, a features department staff writer, recommends that women place this clip-copy-and-save column in their men's wallets, glove compartments and coat pockets - attached to a holiday wish list. Her column runs Thursdays.
by CNB