Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, October 5, 1995 TAG: 9510060009
SECTION: NEIGHBORS PAGE: S-6 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BETSY BIESENBACH
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
To her surprise, the responses were overwhelmingly negative. Ann did admit, however, that the parents who bothered to write in probably had an ax to grind and the ones who didn't write were busy helping their children build dioramas of Civil War battles out of Popsicle sticks.
So when my husband and I were thinking of starting a family of our own, we asked our friends the same question. The results of our poll were pretty much the same as Ann's. Nobody was completely positive about the parental experience.
Those with older children acted as though they didn't know where to begin with the list of warnings. The parents of younger children just looked tired.
Despite the bad reviews, we decided to go ahead, and we're expecting our baby in January.
Interestingly enough, some of the people who were the least encouraging about parenthood were the ones who were almost beside themselves with happiness when I told them the news. I don't know much about babies and children yet, but evidently, they must be a lot like kittens and cats. Everyone loves a soft, fluffy kitten, but a grown cat is a whole different story.
People often tell couples who choose not to have children that they are selfish. Perhaps they are, in the sense that they prefer to spend their time and money on themselves rather than on someone else. But how altruistic is it to bring a child into the world because everyone else does it, or to pass on the family name, or to cement together a failing marriage, or because you didn't use birth control, or because you love little babies, or, as in my case, because you want someone to play catch with?
Actually, it's probably a good thing that the decision to have a family is not based on anything rational, or most of us wouldn't be here.
From what I can tell, a parent's job is to spend some of the best years of life trying to civilize someone whose only goal is to do precisely what he wants, when he wants, where he wants, regardless of safety or social convention.
Parents often complain that babies don't come with owner's manuals, but it's obvious that babies don't exactly arrive programmed by Emily Post, either.
A case in point was the very boisterous young son of some friends of mine. The boy probably was in the third grade before he realized that his name was Nathan - not "Sit Down, Nathan," "Be Quiet, Nathan" or "Eat Your Dinner, Nathan."
As my clothes get tighter and my body slowly assumes the dimensions of a chest of drawers, my anxiety increases, too. What were my husband and I thinking? How can we guide someone else through life, when we still don't have things figured out for ourselves?
My mind leaps ahead to a time 15 years from now, when my son, who surely will be towering over me by then, will look down at me, and I will realize that he has caught on to my little secret. He knows that I know absolutely nothing and that he is wisdom incarnate. After that, despite all my efforts and those of his father, he will go out and do precisely what he wants, when he wants, where he wants.
At that time, I will have to use my secret weapon. After I had my sonogram, the nice technician gave me a picture that clearly shows my son's private parts. I intend to put it away in a safe place, and someday, if I have to, I will bring it out and threaten to show it to all his friends.
Nathan, by the way, has turned into a fine young man. He is an athlete and a scholar and a musician. He still is a trial to his parents sometimes, but he also is a source of great pride.
Maybe that's why it was his mother, of all people, who gave me the best assessment of parenthood I've heard yet.
"It's equal parts frustration," she said, "and equal parts joy." I think I can live with that.
by CNB