Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, November 6, 1995                   TAG: 9511070005
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THE GUEST LIST IS SURE TO BE SHORT

I'll say right now that I didn't try to get Greta Van Susteren as a guest speaker. She and Roger Cossack are too busy with their new TV show.

What? You haven't watched CNN since O.J. walked? Really. Doesn't loyalty mean anything to you? I remember when you hung on their every word, you worm.

If you had been watching, you would know that Greta has legs. So does Roger, but it's not the same somehow.

Greta and Roger are examples of the television commentary lawyer that O.J.'s trial brought to full bloom in this country.

Lawyers talking about law is not exactly the same as Dr. Ruth talking about sex, but it does seem to interest many clean-minded Americans.

Greta and Roger had F. Lee Bailey on their show recently. He is not as cute as Dr. Ruth.

(I didn't ask F. Lee to be our speaker, either. People our age don't like lawyers who point their fingers at us. Especially after dinner when we're going in and out of consciousness and wishing we were home in bed.)

This show has everything you would expect - including little quizzes like the ones on pro football broadcasts that ask if you know which player in the league holds the record for turf toe.

You may not be ready for this, but the F in F. Lee Bailey stands for Francis.

Getting back to our reunion speaker, however, I knew Marcia Clark wouldn't return my phone calls, and we all know that Judge Ito can be real grumpy at times and might spoil our evening.

I couldn't remember the name of the prosecution lawyer who handled the DNA testimony. It's just as well. Probably would have been a lead balloon of an after-dinner speaker.

I didn't bother the court reporters, I imagine all of them are still in therapy.

So, I asked myself to be the speaker. Don't worry about that, however. I immediately turned myself down. Maybe we don't need a speaker. Maybe I'll get somebody who looks like either Greta or Roger to jump out of a cake.

This should give you enough advance notice of our reunion, which I've planned for next June.

It's going to be real nice, with a group picture ($30) and a cash bar.

With the buffet, it'll be $60 a couple, and count on $18.50 if you want a T-shirt with a picture of the Rockingham glove on it.