ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1995, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, December 11, 1995 TAG: 9512120009
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
Here is the aged, semi-hysterical reporter dressed in two (that's right, two) size 3XL hospital gowns.
Cut that out. I'm not cross-dressing. I'm waiting to be X-rayed.
One of these gowns ties in back and is worn the way innocent people are doomed to wear these things. A kind, sensitive person has given me another one, which is worn like a jacket to avoid certain rear-view accidents we don't discuss in a family newspaper.
There are several ladies in the waiting room. They are similarly attired, although their gowns are not 3XL. They are wearing shoes. I've left mine behind in the examining room.
It does something to a man to sit around like that in his socks. Even my knee surgery scar is embarrassing me. The damned thing has turned blue.
Don't worry. This isn't going to be one of those personal stories of triumph over terminal disease. I mention the above situation only to explain why I'm going back on my promise to be really merry this Christmas.
Ebenezer Scrooge, if he had sat around in clothing like that in the presence of women, would never have gone straight. Probably would have trashed Tiny Tim's crutch.
So, I sat there in my socks looking at my knee scar and I decided that what this country really needs is a classic cult movie to show what life is really like in America at Christmas and other times of the year.
Its working title is "Why Can't I Get A Life?" and it stars somebody who looks like Jimmy Stewart. His grin would break your heart, but he is currently stealing money from his own bank and spending it on wild women.
An angel named Carmichael is sent down to set the hero right, but he agrees to butt out for a share of the loot. Carmichael always says that every time you hear a cash register ring, an angel is getting his part of the payoff.
In one scene, the angel tries to push the hero off a bridge and steal all the money. He bribes a cop who looks like Ward Bond to forget a charge of attempted murder.
Did I mention that banker's wife - who looks like Donna Reed - dances on tables at the Kitty Cat Club after she finishes her shift at the library?
You can see that it needs work, and I can't get it ready for this joyous season.
I don't know, for example, how to end the thing.
If I ever have to have X-rays again, I'll ask some of the ladies in the waiting room what they would do with it.
LENGTH: Medium: 51 linesby CNB