ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1995, Roanoke Times
DATE: Thursday, December 21, 1995 TAG: 9512210030
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Beth Macy
SOURCE: BETH MACY
Tell people you're taking a class in parenting, and here's the kind of reaction you get:
A smirk, followed by, ``Parenting? I didn't even know they offered a class in parenting - unless it's court-ordered.''
A look of surprise, followed by, ``You're not a bad mom. Why are you taking that class?''
A laugh, followed by, ``Can't you just read about it in the books?''
I find it fascinating that the single most difficult role I've ever had is being a mom . . . and yet I've sat through more classes on the Periodic Table of Elements - something I always use - than I have on child discipline or self-esteem.
Almost two years after having my son, I'm still amazed they let us leave the hospital with him - having demonstrated absolutely zero competence in the areas of diapering, feeding and bathing. And that was nothing, compared to toddlerhood.
``You have to pass a test to get your driver's license, but the one thing no one monitors or regulates is parenting skills,'' says Deborah Sullivan, who stays at home with her 14-month-old daughter, Ann-Parke.
Sullivan took Dianne Henry-Leggette's ``Surviving Motherhood'' class, offered through the YMCA's Parents' Place, to meet other moms and to swap strategies.
I took the class to learn how to deal with my ``spirited child'' - that's P.C.-speak for ``throws large objects around the house vigorously.''
Both of us realized immediately that we're not alone, though we sometimes feel like we are.
``They could devote an entire course to motherhood self-esteem,'' says Jeanne Johnson, whose 16-month-old son, Joey, is also wildly spirited. ``Being a mom is the only decision in your life that you can't go back on.
``It's a forever thing, and your self-esteem is tied to that, forever.''
Want to see the mythical image of the warm, doting, magnanimous and always-content Supermom shattered? Sit through one of Henry-Leggette's classes for a dose of the Real Thing.
Johnson describes her own son this way: ``He loves to throw and hit and then there's this smile on his face after you've told him no. Where does this evil come from? I pick him up from Mothers Morning Out, and they say he's wonderful . . . Gimme a break!''
``You can't nourish your child if you haven't been nourished yourself,'' Henry-Leggette says. For a class exercise, she asks each mom to make a list of the stress-busting things they like to do when they're by themselves. When you need a break, she advises, do those things.
``I can't remember what I used to like to do before I had kids,'' one mother says.
``But who would watch my daughter?'' another mom says.
``YOUR HUSBAND, for once!'' the class shouts.
Another mom explains that she quit her full-time job to be with her child, so she doesn't have the extra money to hire baby-sitters or use Mothers Morning Out. Her husband frequently travels out of town.
Join a baby-sitting co-op, Henry-Leggette advises, where moms take turns watching each other's kids. Meet other moms at the park, where you can supervise your kids together - and talk.
Call a friend across town who's going through the same thing. Get together with the moms from your childbirth class. Go to Chuck E. Cheese's for a weekday lunch - Sullivan swears it's not quite as overstimulating then as it is on weekends.
Or take Henry-Leggette's course. The next session meets Fridays, noon to 1 p.m., from Jan. 12 to March 1. (Call The Parents' Place to register for the $30 course: 342-9622.)
I learned lots about discipline strategies, child self-esteem and how to deal with sleeping and eating problems. But the most important thing I learned was that my spirited child is not so different from everyone else's - lovable one minute and not-so-lovable the next.
Anybody who thinks that's a lesson that comes easily has not spent a recent afternoon with a 2-year-old.
Dr. Doug Pierce, the dean of Roanoke pediatricians, once said he considers patting moms on the back the most important part of his job. He knows that mothering isn't strictly instinctual, and that it doesn't come with the merit-pay raises it deserves.
He knows you can treat a kid's infection with drugs. But if Mom isn't feeling good about herself, it takes a lot more than antibiotics to make her child healthy.
It takes a society that puts the art - and study - of parenthood on a par with driver's ed. At the very least.
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