ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1995, Roanoke Times
DATE: Sunday, December 31, 1995 TAG: 9512290033
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: DAVE BARRY
If I had to pick two words to summarize 1995, those words would be ``reasonable doubt.'' Any reasonable person has to have serious doubts about whether this year should have been allowed to occur.
A big reason, of course, is that this was the year we had to endure The Trial That Lasted At Least A Century. Don't get me wrong.
No, it was not the verdict that was the problem. The problem was lawyers. The sheer mass of lawyers overwhelmed poor pathetic Lance Ito, who, during the course of the trial, was buffeted by a relentless gale of lawyer-generated wind that gradually started eroding him, so that he became smaller and smaller as the months wore on, until finally he was just this nervous little fringe-bearded face poking up over the top of his desk, praying for this awful ordeal to end before he completely lost his mind and started shouting objections at himself.
The lawyers came off as a group of pompous, overbearing, condescending, self-promoting, obnoxious, unprincipled, slimy, misleading scumballs. But that is their job. We in the media, on the other hand, have no such excuse. We were just plain despicable. Oh, every three weeks or so we reminded everybody this was NOT entertainment. But the stone truth is we were thrilled to have this great big, plump, juicy Thanksgiving turkey of a story, providing us with endless leftovers we could serve night after night.
Of course you, the public, snorked these tasty tabloid dishes right down and looked around for more.
Nobody came out of that trial looking good. And I'll tell you who else had a bad 1995: The international banking industry. I am thinking here of two stories that should strike a chord in the soul of any bank customer who's ever been treated like a serial killer for trying to cash an out-of-state check:
1. In February, the British investment bank Barings collapsed because a trader named Nick Leeson lost $1 billion in futures trading.
2. In October, an employee of the New York office of Japan's Daiwa bank, Toshihide Iguchi, admitted he doctored bank records to hide the fact he had lost $1.1 billion.
Do you know what I think about when I read these stories? I think about my ATM machine. And do you know what my ATM machine is always telling me? It's always telling me: YOU CANNOT WITHDRAW THAT AMOUNT.
``WHY CAN'T I HAVE MY MONEY?'' is what I want to scream. ``DO YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE THERE'S PLENTY ON HAND IN CASE SOME 28-YEAR-OLD TWIT NEEDS TO LOSE IT?''
It's hard to believe that anybody is still sane after the year we've all been through. In case you forgot what happened, let's take a trip back in time:
JANUARY
... when as the nation rang in the new year, an estimated 25,000 newly elected Republican congresspersons, sworn to enact the Contract With America, descended on Washington, D.C., and immediately begin a series of marathon late-night sessions, passing over 200 major new pieces of legislation before it was pointed out that they would not legally take office until Jan. 4.
In sports, the San Francisco 49ers defeated the San Diego Chargers in a Super Bowl so exciting that Steve Young and Jerry Rice filmed the ``We're going to Disney World!'' commercial during the second quarter.
And speaking of sports, in ...
FEBRUARY
... the crippling baseball strike dragged on into its seventh brutal month, forcing many desperate players to sell some of their Ferraris as they waited for emergency Red Cross shipments of gold chains.
In the Trial of the Century, the specter of a mistrial arose when it was reported that some jurors, in between recesses and sidebar conferences, might have heard some actual testimony. An angry Judge Ito sternly instructed them to disregard it.
On Wall Street, the Dow hit yet another record high, although of course every stock you personally own went directly into the toilet. And speaking of high finance, in ...
MARCH
... the United States, in another bold move to end the peso crisis, lent Mexico an additional $60 billion, secured by what Secretary of the Treasury Robert Rubin described as ``a real nice blanket.''
President Clinton, seeking to end the baseball strike, threatened that if the owners and players did not resume serious negotiations, he would play golf with them.
In Trial of the Century action, Judge Lance Ito dismissed three more jurors when it was discovered that, in an effort to beat the competition, they had already published books giving their first-person accounts of the trial, including the verdict.
On the health front, researchers for the Center for Science in the Public Interest, who had previously issued scary reports about the fat content of Mexican, Italian and Chinese food, as well as movie popcorn, announced that sandwiches also are dangerous. ``Water is still OK,'' stated the researchers, ``but we're keeping an eye on it.''
And speaking of big business,
APRIL
... the baseball owners and players graciously agreed to resume making millions again. Fans vowed to boycott the games, but the lure of being able to eat $4.50 hot dogs while watching unshaven men spit proved too strong to resist. In other financial news, Lee Iacocca and billionaire Kirk Kerkorian tried to buy the Chrysler Corp. for $21 billion, but the deal fell through in a dispute over whether the price included floor mats.
In the Trial of the Century, Judge Lance Ito dismissed four more jurors for snoring.
And speaking of justice, in ...
MAY
... a major blow against crime was struck in New York's Central Park, where two city police officers cited a grandmother for allowing her 4-year-old grandson to urinate behind a bush. Thousands of joyful New Yorkers, at last free to leave their homes and walk the city without fear, danced in the streets, where most of them were killed instantly by taxis.
In Washington, Sen. Bob Packwood, having been accused of trying to stick his tongue into the ear of every female in Washington, D.C. except Barbara Bush over the past 25 years , found himself fighting for his political life when the Senate Ethics Committee released a report charging that the letters in ``Sen. Bob Packwood'' could be rearranged to spell ``Do Neck, Paw Boobs.''
On the animal-rights front, the Miami Seaquarium was ordered to free Lolita the Killer Whale after a trial in which her attorney, Johnnie Cochran, told the jury: ``If she blows her spout, you must let her out.''
And speaking of unbelievable but true stories, in ...
JUNE
... the launch of the space shuttle Discovery was delayed because the big external fuel tank had been damaged by - really - woodpeckers.
In Washington, the U.S. Senate, deeply disturbed by the proliferation of pornography on television and the Internet, voted to burn the Packwood diaries.
The Trial of the Century, dragging into its seventh month, suffered another setback when an obviously exhausted Judge Ito, attempting to wish the jurors good morning, accidentally dismissed five more of them.
In the entertainment industry, charming British actor Hugh Grant, who makes regular-looking guys everywhere want to puke, got caught engaging in an act of close companionship with a woman named Divine Brown. (This is not her real name: Her real name is Divine Green.)
Elsewhere on the international front, the United States, angered by Japanese trade practices, threatened to impose huge import tariffs on Japanese luxury cars but backed down when Japan threatened to make VCRs even harder to program than they already are.
And speaking of luxury cars, in ...
JULY
... Forbes magazine released its annual list of the world's richest people, headed for the first time by two Americans: Bill Gates, who controls a vast software empire; and Louise A. Sneeple, who was being paid by the word as a stenographer in the O.J. Simpson trial.
The troubled space program was dealt yet another setback when a judge declared the shuttle Discovery to be a federally protected woodpecker preserve.
In weather news, the East Coast was battered by hurricanes Alma, Bubba, Chester, Denise, Earl and Francine, which did a combined total of $350 million damage, most of it to the hairstyles of TV newspeople doing on-the-scene reports. And speaking of big movie stars, in ...
AUGUST
... Kevin Costner finally came out with his long-awaited movie ``Waterworld,'' which is set in the future, after some kind of horrible calamity has struck the Earth and wiped out all traces of acting ability.
On the legal front, the Trial of the Century hit another snag when Judge Ito, seeking to let off steam by dismissing a few jurors, was informed that there were none left. Angrily, he ordered a bailiff to go borrow some from the Menendez trial.
At the Citadel, the South Carolina military academy where courageous specimens of Southern manhood receive the rigorous training and character development they need to meet any challenge and face any danger, many courageous manhood specimens became extremely upset when, for a little while, they had to go to school with - Yikes! - a girl!
And speaking of tragedies, in ...
SEPTEMBER
... a beleaguered Bob Packwood announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate to apply for a job as a waiter at Hooters.
In a more uplifting story, on Sept. 5, a nation starved for heroes saluted Cal Ripkin after he set a Major League baseball record, unlikely to ever be broken, by playing in two consecutive games without adjusting himself on-camera.
On the culture scene, The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame opened in Cleveland with a spectacular all-star concert featuring Bruce Springsteen, Chuck Berry, Bob Dylan and Colin Powell.
In the Trial of the Century, after nine grueling months, the defense rested its case, leading to a moment of unprecedented drama when O.J. Simpson rose to his feet and announced, to a hushed courtroom, that his butt hurt.
Speaking of whom ...
OCTOBER
... the Trial of the Century came to an abrupt halt when the jurors, after painstakingly reviewing every single item they wanted to pack in their suitcases, left their hotel, paused briefly to drop off a verdict and rushed out of the courtroom to meet with their book agents, almost knocking over the legal experts explaining to TV cameras why the deliberations would probably go on for weeks.
In the World Series, the Atlanta Braves defeated the Cleveland Indians, thanks in large part to a brilliant pitching performance by Colin Powell.
In another historic event, an unprecedented gathering of African-American men - estimates of the crowd size ranged from 43 people (the National Park Service) to 956 trillion (the Nation of Islam) - heard the Rev. Louis Farrakhan deliver a speech that is expected to be completed in March of 1998.
In international events, the voters of Quebec went to the polls and, in a historic vote with deep significance for Canada's future, elected Colin Powell prime minister.
And speaking of nations in turmoil, in ...
NOVEMBER
... Congress and President Clinton were unable to agree on a budget, resulting in a shutdown of the federal government that caused massive traumatic nationwide disruption for maybe eight ordinary citizens.
The big stumbling block was a disagreement between the president and the Republican leadership over whether to pretend that the budget would be balanced seven years from now, or pretend that it would be balanced 10 years from now.
But all was not gloom and doom in November: It was also time for millions of Baby Boomers to take a nostalgic trip back to ``Strawberry Fields'' as ABC-TV broadcast a documentary on the Beatles, featuring the debut of two never-before-released songs performed by Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, George Harrison and - through the miracle of electronics - Colin Powell.
And speaking of good news, in ...
DECEMBER
... grateful taxpayers learned that over the past 20 years the CIA has spent $20 million employing psychics to help gather intelligence. Although the psychics failed to sense that, for example, the Soviet Union was collapsing, they were credited by high-level intelligence officials with helping field agents locate ``at least six'' lost sets of car keys.
On a more serious note, President Clinton announced he would deploy U.S. troops to prevent the Browns from leaving Cleveland.
Anyway, as 1995 draws to a close, we need to remember that, despite the foregoing stories, it was not a total waste of a year. Roseanne and Tom Arnold did not get back together. And I'm sure there were many other happy developments, including some that involved you. Let's just be grateful that we got through it and hope1996 will be a whole lot better. Although we have every reason to doubt it.
LENGTH: Long : 235 lines ILLUSTRATION: GRAPHIC: 4 B&W, 3 color. KEYWORDS: YEAR 1995by CNB