ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, January 1, 1996 TAG: 9601020144
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: HOLIDAY
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
In our How-Long-O-Lord-How-Long? Department this morning, we find O.J. Simpson peddling a videotape that says he didn't do it.
Just a coupla mil to help pay off the lawyers. Hey. A guy's got to live, hasn't he?
I won't be among the buyers of this tape. I won't pay $29.95 because I don't give a damn what he has to say. Apparently, he takes a long time saying it. The thing goes on for two hours.
I know some of you are wondering whether O.J. is going play through the arthritis and do some exercises.
I doubt it. As his lawyers said during the trial, this guy's airport-running days are over. And an exercise based on riding down the freeway in a white Bronco would have no aerobic value.
I don't know whether the video will tell us whether the car rental people have taken the Bronco back. The Los Angeles Police Department may have lost it.
I'm afraid that O.J. will not be the only one to try to make a few bucks with a video.
You know how those people in Los Angeles are.
Many people - including the uniform who sat behind the glass partition in the courtroom and answered the phone - will soon be out with one.
I suggest that Chris Darden will make one in which he explains why he asked Simpson to try on THE GLOVE. I suspect that he will cry a lot.
Marcia Clark may do one showing the women of America how to be an iron-pants female prosecutor while retaining the talent to bat their eyes and smile engagingly, girlishly, benignly when the script calls for it.
And these things will sell.
Is this because there is something dark, foreboding and cynical in the American conscience and psyche?
I don't think so. I think it's a matter of (a) really bad taste and (b) the simple act of being dumb. Plus those 800 numbers on TV.
I know this isn't going to make me any friends with your Aunt Zelda's crowd, but you'd probably be better off buying one of those Playmate of the Month videos.
They may be vulgar, racy, nasty and so forth. But they don't pretend to be anything else. Not that I'd buy one, of course - except for research for this paper I'm writing on Jessica Hahn's role in socio-religious change in America.
Meanwhile, I'll be filling you in on my plans to make a video explaining why my highest rank in the service of my country was Technician Fifth Grade.
It'll be a steal at $19.50. Plus S and H.
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