ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, January 22, 1996 TAG: 9601230038
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I don't know whether or when we might have another snowstorm that will make you wish you'd taken that lateral promotion and moved to an isolated Pacific island with no indoor plumbing, but is at least warm all the time.
A little bit late, to be sure, I wanted to offer some advice that will enable you to take another killer storm gracefully.
(I'm late because we took turns monitoring and wiping up the water that was leaking into one of the bedrooms, and we also spent a lot of time kicking the back door, which tended to ice up pretty bad there for a while.
(We found that kicking the door made a sound like thunder and that this scared our dog Millie into believing a serious summer storm was going on, and she wouldn't go out - which is the reason we were kicking the door in the first place.)
Anyway, the first thing I recommend is to fall down in the kitchen and hurt yourself before you ever touch a snow shovel.
By this I mean not hurting yourself enough to call 911, but enough to make you lie down on the couch until the snow has melted. Say, maybe, spraining your right thumb.
Don't worry about the mail. It's only been a couple of days, and most of the mail is stuff you throw away anyway. Except for the bill from Sears that shows it didn't get your check the first of the month.
When you finally look pitiable enough to get some help with the driveway and get to the supermarket, you find the bread is all gone and that there is even a serious shortage of carts.
Adopt a Christian attitude when the woman who is built like a linebacker and dressed like something from "Call of the Wild" tries to steal your cart while you are loading it.
I know that your very soul cries out to get a good cross-body block on her in the parking lot, but just calm down. Maybe some day, you'll get a chance to poison her Red Dog beer.
I've heard psychologists saying that we ought to treat the horror a really big snowstorm brings as an "adventure."
I never argue with psychologists.
If a waterfall is coming down from your ceiling fan, just think of what really funny conversation that will make when you're on the deck in the summer and being eaten alive by gnats.
Listen. You'll roar in July when you tell that story about the woman cart robber.
By that time, you may even think that kicking the back door was a lot of fun.
LENGTH: Medium: 53 linesby CNB