ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, March 11, 1996 TAG: 9603120057
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I don't want to brag or anything, but I recently read the instruction booklet that came with the blower/vacuum machine I got for Christmas. And I'm here to say that these people do a good job of warning you about how these things can hurt you.
There is a picture that shows what happens if you have long hair and get too close to the air inlet. It's not a pretty thing to see.
Makes you want to go and get a crewcut.
Also, you shouldn't wear loose clothing when you're operating this monster.
Another picture shows what happens when you point the blower in the direction of another human being.
The guy who's being blown at is highly steamed and if there were a sequel picture it probably would show the blowee beating the blower in the head with the blower's own machine.
Ideally, there would be a large red X marked across this picture, suggesting that this is not civilized behavior and might get you busted for assault with a blower.
You know. Like the red X marked over the picture of the lighted cigarette and the gasoline can.
Which reminds me that I'm dying for a smoke, but let's get on with this, if you don't mind.
I could go on about this booklet, but the really fine thing about it is that it has pages for notes at the back. I'll bet you never read an instruction booklet far enough to find the notes section.
This gives blowers/vacuumers everywhere a chance to be creative and leave a record for those who come afterward:
"March 20, 1966: Inadvertently turned the blower in the direction of neighbor, who picked all the leaves out of his teeth and called his lawyer.
"Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder what dark forces within me make me do things like that and I feel lost and alone in an ever-darkening night." (Kind of sings on the page, doesn't it?)
"April 30, 1966: Neighbor was smoking cigarette while loading 32-1 gas into his blower/ vacuum. At funeral, lawyer said widow will drop personal injury suit.
"June 3, 1966: Inadvertently turned blower in direction of widow, who was coming over to borrow cup of sugar while wearing loose night clothing . . ."
I think we'd better knock this off. This is a family newspaper, and I'm drawing a red X across the rest of these notes.
I just want to say that if she had read the instructions she wouldn't have been running around in her loose nightclothes in the first place.
LENGTH: Medium: 54 linesby CNB