ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, May 8, 1996 TAG: 9605080006
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
One of the sure ways to drive yourself to an early cocktail hour is to "try on" your existing summer clothes.
This is tradition. Everybody does it. The people who still fit into their existing summer clothes actually enjoy it. They are a smug and ugly bunch of people.
I feel sorry for them. I always say people like that aren't getting much out of life. I mean, who wants to stay the same size all the time?
I did my trying on just after I watched this report on Headline News that said older people in this country are getting very fat - which didn't surprise me a whole lot.
There was this one old guy who said he was always teased about being skinny when he was young and now he weighs 200 pounds.
I'm not getting into any statistics here, but if I weighed 200 pounds I could still get into my favorite seersucker suit.
I like that suit. I always felt like a decadent, rich Southern lawyer when I wore it.
The television reporter said younger people have better metabolism than older people - which didn't make me fall out of my chair in surprise.
She said older people lard up pretty quick if they don't watch it, and that didn't exactly stun me either.
There were pictures of degenerate people stuffing themselves. There's nothing more flattering than being televised while you're shoveling down the old lasagna.
To return to our summer clothes theme, I found that the blue suit, the cord suit and seersucker job - to mention a few - are still refusing to fit me.
As usual, I stood sideways to the mirror and swore a terrible oath that I would starve myself and thus be able to get into this clothing by the Fourth of July.
This leads only to madness and grief. I don't know why I, and countless other pudgy persons, do this.
I know the score, pal. I've got ties and socks that don't fit me anymore. My eyeglasses need to be let out.
Let's just give up and go out there and buy a couple of suits in the 48-Portly range.
Let's get back to the times in this country when people were proud to be portly and you could get a loan at the bank easier if you were kind of plump. Join my new Portly Pride Movement.
Wait a minute. I just tried on that seersucker again and I actually got the coat buttoned, and you never know where this will lead when it gets back to the other clothes.
Where's my no-fat yogurt?
LENGTH: Medium: 55 linesby CNB