ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, May 29, 1996 TAG: 9605290052
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: BEN BEAGLE
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I think it's time for elderly people in this country to demand truth in advertising.
You know what I'm talking about if you've ever leafed through Modern Maturity magazine and seen these ads aimed at people who are mature - not to mention over the hill.
The people in these ads obviously don't have bones that hurt, and their knees are in good shape. They're healthy, slim, tanned and they haven't aged a lot since the Senior Prom.
You can tell they never forget their own phone numbers.
There's a car rental ad in which a discreetly clothed couple are in a restrained embrace on a fancy marble balcony overlooking what well may be the Aegean Sea. (Well, what did you expect? This isn't a ad in Playboy, for Pete's sake.)
He is wearing white shorts that will never slip down over his stomach as the glorious day goes on. You can tell that because he doesn't have a stomach for them to slip down over. He also wears a regular-sized golf shirt that doesn't bunch up around his neck.
She is dressed in white, and there is just a trace of gray in her hair. She still has the body of a sorority sister.
They're having a swell time. No slipped discs or arthritis here.
Listen. Real-life aging persons wouldn't be out in the sun in the middle of the day - much less hugging on a balcony in front of everybody.
They would be in their room (which would have a view of the landfill) and they would be worrying themselves sick about what the hotel room was costing - even with the American Association of Retired Persons discount.
He would be wearing his knit shorts with the elastic waistband that makes it easier for him to pull the shorts up when they start wandering down his stomach at the worst possible times.
I'm not going to comment on what she might be wearing, except to say the size might well be "matronly."
This is just one example, my fellow aging persons, of not telling it like it is. If this continues, the younger generation will be asking questions:
"Gee, Dad, why don't you and Mom look like that?"
"Because we're old and tired, you little twerp, and because that's the way real life is."
"Oh, right. I thought maybe it was those great big purple calcium pills you take."
Let's call on the ad people to get real about elderly advertising.
I'm available anytime for a shoot. I get $500 an hour and I furnish the knit shorts.
LENGTH: Medium: 54 linesby CNB