ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, July 24, 1996 TAG: 9607240011
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
I now believe that a force we may never understand decides at the moment of birth that some of us are never going to find modern times user-friendly.
I believe that such a force looked down on my naked, innocent, infant body and said: "Here's a live one, pal. He'll never understand indoor plumbing or anything invented after 1860."
I may be dumb, but I've forced myself - through diligent study and disastrous hands-on experience - to understand indoor plumbing.
What's to understand? It means you spend hours, blinded by sweat, in a fetal position beneath a leaking toilet tank and when you think it's fixed, it ain't.
This theory of mine was reinforced recently - right after I called the plumber to fix a leaking toilet tank.
Let me say here that if I had my way, we'd still be doing the laundry in a decent galvanized washtub with a scrub board and Octagon soap. And drying it in God's sunshine on a honest wire line.
In those days, no appliance mechanic got $40 an hour to find that you had a hole in your tub.
Which - rather cleverly, I think - brings us to the Great Washing Machine/Dryer Disaster that has aged us cruelly.
The old dryer began to cry pitiably. We got a new one. This one didn't cry a lot. It also didn't dry a lot.
They gave us a new one. It didn't do any better. The experts blamed the old washing machine, and we spent $121.14 to make it spin the way it should.
It's spooky to get up in the middle of the night and see damp-dry laundry hanging on the staircase railing and all over the house. It's kind of like a dream sequence in a late-night cable movie starring Shannon Tweed.
For our nerves, we got a new washing machine. It has one macho spin cycle on it. Still damp clothes. We replaced the dryer power cord. Nothing.
We have spent enough to endow a professorship at some respectable university.
As many of you know, I always try to look on the bright side, and the tragedy of our laundry has made me forget to worry about the smoke alarm in the kitchen that screams every time you make toast.
I can outsmart the alarm. I fan it with the morning newspaper. I'd really like to hit it with my Monster Maul.
I don't like to say it but without help it seems we may be doing the laundry with a washtub and scrub board again.
If you'll help us out a little here, I'll tell you who Shannon Tweed is.
LENGTH: Medium: 52 linesby CNB