ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, July 29, 1996 TAG: 9607290092
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Ben Beagle
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
It has come to my attention - mainly by watching Saturday morning kiddie TV while gaining a great pulse rate and losing my breath on my Walkfit - that Barbie is now a gymnast.
Let's ignore the fact that Barbie is too old to get on the parallel bars and that she is in no way built like Mary Lou Retton.
This is vintage Barbie, though: exploiting the Olympics, which most people I know seem to have adopted as a special, temporary summer religion, for pure profit.
Do you think Barbie will stay in gymnastics after the Olympics? Fat chance. She'll show up in some other role that pays big-time money.
Enough, however, about this latest Barbie wrinkle and on to another topic of great importance to an obviously minor segment of the population.
I know that there are people out there who join me in believing the Olympics are not as important as the evolution of life on this planet.
I know they would like to throw up a window and scream: THE OLYMPICS BORE ME AND I DON'T CARE IF THE THOUGHT POLICE KNOW IT!
They don't do it because they know their neighbors will think they're not good Americans. They're afraid people will say: "Let's just ignore the Matterhorns at the next block party. They hate the Olympics and think fencing is for sissies."
And I have to admit that I've let all of these people down. While commercial interests were retooling Barbie to be a gymnast, I was asleep on guard duty.
If I hadn't been, we'd have a doll we could all identify with.
This doll would not have pretended to be a gymnast or a javelin thrower. He would have been a bilious-looking guy with a 42-inch waist - who took phys ed in high school with Ken, who grew up to be Barbie's doormat.
Our doll would have fallen off the parallel bars.
He would have had several outfits - including a pair of knit shorts with the drawstring hanging out and a crumby T-shirt that's a little tight across the front.
He would have come with his own sandwich board that said THE OLYMPICS ARE REALLY FOR THE RICH on one side and DISCUS THROWERS ARE MUSCLE-BOUND on the other.
No use dwelling on my failure and I hope you all can forgive me.
There'll be other Olympics.
And, anyway, it's time for the National Football League to get on with its exhibition schedule.
Why do I worry that Barbie will show up as a cheerleader for the Baltimore Ravens?
LENGTH: Medium: 54 linesby CNB