ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, November 20, 1996 TAG: 9611200088
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: KATHLEEN SCHUCKEL KNIGHT-RIDDER/TRIBUNE
BECOMING a mother-in-law means being thrust into a role about as popular as Snow White's wicked stepmother.
Mother-in-law jokes gather the guffaws as often as ones about lawyers, bimbos and ex-wives.
What's a woman to do? After all, she was a mother - praised with poetry, roses and Hallmark commercials - before she was a mother-in-law. Suddenly, she's being compared to battle-axes and nags.
``Mothers-in-law are not ogres,'' insists Yvette Strauss, author of ``The Other Mother, How to Be an Almost-Perfect Mother-in-Law'' (Impact Publishers, San Luis Obispo, Calif. $14.95).
``When you change over from mother to mother-in-law, you don't lose all this nurturing, humor and warmth - all of these qualities you had before,'' she said.
``But mothers-in-law have to work twice as hard to get half the recognition.''
Mothers-in-law need guidance, reasoned Strauss, a New Jersey writer and mother-in-law, so they can counter the negative stereotypes. The advice in her book ranges from how to handle holiday get-togethers to how to relate to a son- or daughter-in-law from another culture or religion. She also discusses welcoming the same-sex partner of a gay or lesbian adult child.
Most of all, Strauss tells when to talk and when to shut up.
That's the most important advice, according to a group of veteran Indianapolis mothers-in-law. The women, who have 30 children and 15 daughters- and sons-in-law among them, gathered recently at the Indianapolis Senior Center to discuss the sometimes prickly in-law relationship.
Too often, misunderstandings result from lack of talking.
Dorothy Pierson, a retired beautician, remembers hearing clients gripe about in-laws.
One woman complained: ``Every Sunday, we're expected to be over there for dinner. She wouldn't have it any other way.''
Then, the mother-in-law came in for her hair appointment and fumed about her inconsiderate children: ``Every Sunday, they expect me to cook for them. They're at the house every Sunday, no matter what. I never get a break.''
Pierson, whose own communication style is not unlike that of a drill sergeant, told the daughter-in-law to muster up the courage to suggest once-a-month dinners at Grandma's. She did, and both women ended up happier.
The hairdresser came to the rescue that time, but Strauss usually places the peacemaking responsibility with the mother-in-law.
``We're older. I think we've learned a lot and we've been in the same place as a daughter-in-law and walked in her shoes. We're supposed to be wise women,'' she said.
Part of that wisdom means learning to accept our children's differences.
``We raise our children during our young years, the best years of our lives, and develop expectations, wishes, thoughts and even fantasies about how they should and could live,'' Strauss said.
``We have to sometimes let go of our dreams and adopt different dreams and fantasies.''
The key to being an exemplary mother-in-law is knowing when to bite your tongue, Strauss and the Indianapolis in-laws say.
``I stay out of their business unless they ask me my advice,'' said Ruth Inlow, a mother-in-law five times over.
Strauss said a mother-in-law should think back to when her child was 2 or 3. He would refuse to let you help him put on his coat, even though he put it on inside out or fastened the buttons all wrong. But you let him do it himself anyway.
Adult children feel the same way. ``You can't always do for them, and they won't do what you want, when you want,'' Strauss said. ``You have to step aside and let them learn.''
Around the holidays, flexibility and communication are particularly important. In-laws should talk with their children about where - and how - they're going to spend that time, Strauss said.
Festivities can be even more complicated when one side of the family is Jewish and the other Christian.
She tells the story of a Jewish mother-in-law who was taken aback when she visited her son's home and saw a Christmas tree and Nativity scene in one room, and a menorah in another.
The surprise could have been avoided if family members had talked beforehand about expectations and how they were going to celebrate holidays.
When her three sons married, Pierson, the beautician, told them that she didn't expect them to be home on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Instead, she would celebrate the holiday with them the Sunday before. It's worked well for years, and her children seem relieved that they don't have to pick sides, she said.
That sort of straight talk is good, Strauss said.
Sandie Johnson, mother of seven and mother-in-law to three, said she's made a habit to be direct with her children's spouses from the start.
She's told them to consider her a friend and added: ``I'm not your mom, so you don't need to call me `Mom.' Call me Sandie.''
The local mothers-in-law said it's important that the new in-law feel like a part of the family. That means treating children equally, with comparable gifts at holidays and birthdays, and refusing to get involved in marital squabbles.
Inlow said she tells her children: ``Now, look, if you do anything wrong in this marriage, don't expect me to take your side.''
If the mother-in-law chooses sides, it can backfire once the couple makes up. The adult child won't forget anything negative said about the spouse.
Strauss said that instead of getting involved in the day-to-day business of the family, mothers-in-law should find their own ways to feel fulfilled, such as community volunteering or activities with their husbands.
Thelma Fisher said that's been her credo. ``I get out and go; my kids say they have to make an appointment to see me.''
ARE YOU A GOOD MOTHER-IN LAW?
In trying to determine if you're a good mother-in-law, consider these situations, your options and things to think about before you act:
Your son and daughter-in-law are in college in your city. Both work part time, and have little extra time. Their apartment is a mess. You want to help. You decide to:
A. Offer to stop by once a week and ``straighten up.''
B. Give them a gift certificate for a cleaning service.
C. Suggest they'd be more comfortable and more efficient if they'd clean once in a while.
D. Take your daughter-in-law aside and let her know that your son is used to a clean house.
E. Take your son aside and remind him that these days men can clean house, too.
F. Buy them a vacuum cleaner.
G. Hold your tongue and close your eyes to the mess.
Things to consider with each option:
A. Would you have wanted your mother or mother-in-law to clean your house when you were a newlywed?
B. Have they wished aloud for help with the cleaning?
C. This is a value judgment they may not share.
D. What will you say if she answers, ``If it's important to him, he can clean it''?
E. A healthy idea you probably should have taught him years ago.
F. One more item to clutter up the place. Have they asked for one?
G. Probably your best choice, if you can handle it.
You see your son and daughter-in-law at least once a week. You've recently become concerned that your daughter-in-law seems withdrawn and cool toward you. You'd like to have a social, if not intimate, friendship. You:
A. Do nothing, waiting for her to reach out when she's ready.
B. Ask your son to talk to her and try to fix things up.
C. Say to your son, in her presence, ``Maybe if your wife ever talks to me again ''
D. Tell her she's behaving childishly.
E. Tell her, in a private conversation, that you value the relationship and you hope she can feel OK about talking with you when there's something wrong.
What to consider with each option:
A. This may be OK for a while - just be sure that she knows you're ready to talk when she is.
B. You're expecting your son to be the go-between. You're going to have to take the risk and ask her yourself.
C. This sort of indirect aggression is not healthy.
D. Direct rebuke won't earn you any points, either. Her behavior may or may not be childish, but you haven't earned your wings as her parent, so this is out of line.
E. Now you're talking!
You've traveled several hundred miles to visit your homosexual child and his or her partner for the first time. As you discuss plans to go out to dinner, you find yourself uncomfortable about being out in public with an openly homosexual couple. You deal with the situation by saying:
A. ``Actually, I'd be just as happy eating dinner here in your apartment.''
B. ``Do you have a favorite cafe that caters to people like you?''
C. ``Are the restaurants around here pretty liberal?''
D. ``I'm a little uncomfortable about going out. Can we talk about it?''
E. ``It must be tough to find a place where you're comfortable eating out.''
What to consider with each option:
A. Maybe it's time to be upfront with your child. Tell him or her you'd be embarrassed to be out in public with them.
B. Are you saying you'd feel OK as long as the crowd was compatible?
C. Afraid they'll throw you out?
D. Congratulations! You're on the road to opening communication with the couple.
E. This may be an understanding comment, but probably still reflects your own discomfort.
- Knight-Ridder/Tribune
7 DEADLY SINS OF MOTHERS-IN-LAW
* Meddling instead of minding your own business.
* Being overbearing instead of cooperative.
* Talking instead of listening.
* Harping instead of understanding.
* Expecting attention instead of meeting your own needs.
* Rejecting instead of accepting.
* Spending money instead of giving of yourself.
-``The Other Mother, How to be an Almost-Perfect Mother-In-Law,'' by Yvette Strauss
LENGTH: Long : 189 linesby CNB