ROANOKE TIMES 
                      Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times

DATE: Saturday, November 23, 1996            TAG: 9611260020
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 12   EDITION: METRO 
                                             TYPE: MOVIE REVIEW
SOURCE: MIKE MAYO STAFF WRITER 

`JINGLE' IS JUST A LUMP OF COAL

"Jingle All the Way," an atrocious Christmas comedy, will teach kids and other moviegoers the following valuable lessons:

1. Santa is a sleazy con man.

2. Reindeer are vicious, drunken beasts.

3. Cheap toys created by soulless, manipulative corporations really are neat, and possessing them will bring you happiness.

4. Mail bombs are good clean fun.

Of course, at the end, all of the standard bromides about generosity, love and giving are trotted out, but they sound even more hollow than they usually do in big-budget Hollywood films. And this is a perfect example of manipulative formula entertainment at its worst.

The setting is Minneapolis and, appropriately, some of the action takes place at the gigantic Mall of America. Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a salesman who's too busy to pay attention to his wife Liz, (Rita Wilson), or his young son, Jamie (Jake Lloyd). Howard has been so neglectful that two days before Christmas he rashly promises Jamie that he'll find a Turboman doll, the hottest Christmas present of the year.

Naturally, the toy is completely sold out, and Howard spends Christmas Eve driving from toy store to toy store in a not-so-wild search. His sometimes-companion, sometimes-competitor is Myron (Sinbad), a mailman who's on the same mission. Sinbad's spontaneous racial monologues are the film's only consistently funny moments.

Randy Kornfield's script stumbles through unfunny episodes involving Phil Hartman as a lecherous neighbor, Robert Conrad as a much-abused cop, Jim Belushi as the aforementioned mall Santa and Martin Mull as a DJ. It all ends with a big but clumsy special-effects scene at a parade.

Overall, the cast does better work than the material demands, but director Brian Levant really doesn't know how to handle slapstick, and that's supposed to be the source of most of the laughs.

Jingle All the Way

* 1/2

A 20th Century Fox release playing at Crossroads Mall Cinema USA. 83 min. Rated PG for allegedly comic violence.

LENGTH: Short :   50 lines
ILLUSTRATION: PHOTO:  Arnold Schwarzenegger (left) and Phil Hartman star in 
          the unfunny ``Jingle All the Way.''
KEYWORDS: 2DA