ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, November 25, 1996 TAG: 9611250066
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A-5 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: MONTY S. LEITCH
SOURCE: MONTY S. LEITCH
YOU MAY remember my lament here, a couple of weeks ago, on behalf of a friend who couldn't keep the squirrels off her bird-feeder. Actually, that was a ruse. I am the one with squirrels.
After that column, I received a number of helpful suggestions regarding my plight. Some of the proffered remedies might actually work, were I to try them.
Instead of trying any of those, however, I bought a product called "Squirrel Away" that has, on its packet, the drawing of a squirrel behind a universal "DO NOT" symbol. (You know: that big red circle with the line drawn through it.) "Does not harm squirrels!" this packet assures me, while implying that squirrels DO NOT COME HERE.
However - and now that I'm looking at the packet more closely, I see this - nowhere does it say, outright, that it will work. Nowhere does it say that squirrels will be discouraged by the taste, or the smell or whatever.
Nevertheless, I distinctly remember telling the Man of the House, when I brought this product home, that I'd found something that would work.
"Unh-huh," he said.
"It says it will," I told him. "You mix it with the birdseed and the squirrels won't eat it, but it doesn't bother the birds."
He responded, "Unh-huh."
Capsicum pepper. That's what this stuff is. Chili. Cayenne. Red Pepper.
"DO NOT ALLOW CHILDREN TO USE THIS PRODUCT," declare the directions, which, by the way, are printed in three languages. No deje que ninos usen el producto. Empecher les enfants de se servir de ce produit. "Do not touch powder when mixing. Do not get in eyes or on skin. Temporary irritant."
Now wouldn't that lead you to believe in its potential efficacy?
Well, me too.
But it doesn't seem to bother the squirrels at all.
In fact, they've been chewing on the second, unopened package I left out in the shed. Chewing on the package!
I, on the other hand, now have to handle my birdseed with gloves, because even the slightest dusty wisp of capsicum pepper gets in my eyes and burns the skin on my face. I'm itching even as I write.
This morning when I put out seed, I saw that the squirrels have made a neat little pile of capsicum pepper in the bottom of the birdfeeder. Indeed, the squirrels won't eat it. But they don't mind it. The little beggars.
Fortunately, the birds don't seem to mind it, either.
"I had my doubts," said the Man of the House. "It sounded too good to be true."
Now, all this had me riled up about false advertising - and that's what I intended to write about when I sat down this morning. A scathing attack. What's happened to truth in labeling? Respect for the consumer? You know, that sort of stuff. The sort of stuff that ought to be on an editorial page.
So I got out my packet to copy the false claims from it. I got out my packet and I actually read it. Read the words, that is, in addition to looking at the pictures. No wild or false claims. In fact, no claims at all - except that the stuff will burn my skin. And that is true.
So, I come clean before you. No more false advertising. I am the one with squirrels. I am the one who's squirrelly.
Squirrels on the birdfeeder. Squirrels in the attic.
And bats in the belfry, too.
Monty S. Leitch is a Roanoke Times columnist.
LENGTH: Medium: 67 linesby CNB