ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Friday, November 29, 1996 TAG: 9611290009
SECTION: CURRENT PAGE: NRV1 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
DATELINE: BLACKSBURG
SOURCE: ROBERT FREIS STAFF WRITER
Greetings, University of Virginia football fans! Welcome to Blacksburg, home of Virginia Tech, where a small book titled "I Hate Virginia: 303 Reasons Why You Should, Too" is attracting more buyers than Sunday-morning aspirin at a Wahoo fraternity house.
Among the derisive nuggets within this small book that are making Hokies smirk:
* George Welsh is so old that his Social Security number is 2.
* Most of the vaunted "Virginia tradition" is really just dressing up, drinking too much and breaking stuff.
* Virginia coeds don't file their fingernails, they just throw them away.
* The median IQ of Charlottesville doubles every time the Virginia football team leaves for a road game.
* Among the top 10 most frequently heard remarks at Virginia: "Hey, can we go visit the Waltons?"
* Katie Couric is a Wahoo.
And so on, for 297 more insults of the venerable University of Virginia, its coaches, students, athletes, alumni and architecture - everything that makes Mr. Jefferson's academic village uniquely irritating to Tech partisans.
Today, as the Cavaliers and Hokies stage their annual gridiron grudge match at Lane Stadium, the author of "I Hate Virginia" won't be wearing maroon and orange. In fact, he's never been to Blacksburg and considers himself something of a Virginia fan, of all things.
Paul Finebaum is described by his publisher as an "equal opportunity hater." He's a sports columnist for the Birmingham, Ala., Post-Herald and the author of about 50 "I Hate" books, each with with 303 reasons to despise various colleges and their characteristic campus quirks.
Virginia was one of the series' first books, and one of the easiest to write, Finebaum said in a recent telephone interview. "The UVa people rub me the wrong way, with all their bow ties. I hear the school catalog comes with a social register."
Finebaum said he's been to Charlottesville one or twice, but primarily assembled material about The University and its Grounds from a variety of research sources, including the Internet.
"I think I took the virtual tour of the campus," he said.
Finebaum also dishes out some dissing to local media moguls, such as television sportscasters Mike Stevens and Greg Roberts. Even sportswriters for The Roanoke Times - such as the New River Current's own Ray Cox - get their moment of shame.
"That's a pure, shameless marketing tool," the author said.
The idea for the "I Hate" books began in Alabama by playing the intense (and meaningful, in a football sense) rivalry between the University of Alabama and Auburn University. The Tech-UVa game looks like a pillow fight by comparison, Finebaum said.
Tapping that rich vein of venom, Finebaum has been churning out "I Hate" books in an assembly line. Coming up with 303 hateful reason is mentally tiring, he admits.
There's no significance behind the 303. It was just a number they selected for the first book, he said. "Now I wish I had come up with 103. You run out of gas."
Finebaum also acknowledges stretching some of the 303 reason in more than one book. For example, reason #113 in the "I Hate Virginia" book mistakenly cites the University of Pennsylvania marching band. "Oops," said the author.
"Some schools I've hated more than others. Like Notre Dame. I've have done that book for nothing," Finebaum said.
Lou Holtz, Notre Dame's lame duck football coach, took umbrage to some of Finebaum's jeers in the "I Hate Notre Dame" book. "I got a call from his attorney," Finebaum said. "I get some unbelievably nasty mail. The president of Yale was really mad."
Negative feedback wounds this self-described "low-key" guy. "I'm a lot more sensitive than you would expect," he said.
Nonetheless, he's soldiering on. Finebaum's brave new book is "I Hate Christmas."
Some schools consider being the subject of an "I Hate" book as a badge of honor, Finebaum said. That's why Virginia Tech fans, the Rodney Dangerfields of college athletics, should be deeply insulted that there's no "I Hate Virginia Tech" book.
"We were considering a Virginia Tech book. We never got around to it," Finebaum said.
Warming to his task, however, the author said, "Why would you want to go to Blacksburg, unless you were on your way down from a plane crash?"
Of Tech basketball coach Bill Foster, Finebaum said: "He's gone from Clemson to Virginia Tech. What's next? The Citadel?"
So take heart, Hokies, keep winning and some day you'll be just as reviled as anyone else.
LENGTH: Medium: 90 lines ILLUSTRATION: GRAPHIC: 1. color graphic by GEORGE WILLSby CNB2. color - book cover