ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1996, Roanoke Times
DATE: Monday, December 30, 1996 TAG: 9612300070
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A-5 EDITION: METRO
COLUMN: Monty S. Leitch
SOURCE: MONTY S. LEITCH
ARE YOU well yet?
You know that your boss, your principal, your teachers, even all your pals expected you to use this holiday break to get back on your feet. To recover from your scratchy throat, your aching joints, your constant postnasal drip, your headaches and your flu. Have you met their expectations?
Have you rested? Have you drunk plenty of fluids? Have you washed your hands often, and gargled daily with mouthwash?
How about nutrition? Have the sausage balls been good for what ailed you?
How about the cheese balls, the popcorn balls, the faintly tarnished silver balls that still adorn your tree?
You'll have to take that tree down soon, you know, no matter how much it hurts. Besides, it's probably all those dried-out branches that are making you sneeze, that are making your stomach feel the way it does, that are making your forehead throb.
Certainly, neither Tickle-Me Elmo nor Nintendo 64 could be to blame, could they? After all, what virus or bacterium could have survived the press of the flesh at the mall? The delirium of the deadline pressure? The thought of bills to pay?
Oh no. It must be something else. Something in the air. Or that weak batch of flu vaccine that came out. Tell your boss about that! Have your mother write that on the note she sends with you to school! Poor Johnny got the weak vaccine, don't you know.
You know, don't you, scientists have proved that the active ingredient in chocolate stimulates the very same brain cells that marijuana gooses?
So. Speaking of nutrition. How about those chocolate-covered cherries? Haven't they been good for what ails you? Then try the Hershey's Kisses, the Whitman Samplers, the chocolate-covered cashews that a friend gave you at church.
If nothing else works, try the oyster stew. An excellent emetic.
My holiday greetings came, this year, with advice:
"Starve a cold, feed a fever."
"Starve a fever, feed a cold."
"A bottle of bourbon and a blanket, my dear. That's exactly what you need."
"Wrap this fruitcake in a towel," one sympathetic friend advised, "stick it in the microwave for about five minutes, and then, when it's nice and toasty, put it next to your feet. Better than any hot-water bottle in the world!"
"Wrap this fruitcake in a towel," wrote another, "stick it in the freezer. When your fever gets above a hundred, put that frozen fruitcake next to your feet. You won't believe the sensation!"
On the First Day of Christmas, my true friend gave to me ... a prescription for cough syrup with codeine.
Two Tylenol, three Ventolins, four hot teas, and a box of Super Kleenex with aloe.
Are you well yet? Do you think you can get well by Wednesday? Start the new year off right!
Just remember to cover your mouth when you cough.
Monty S. Leitch is a Roanoke Times columnist.
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