ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Wednesday, February 19, 1997 TAG: 9702190056
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A-7 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: ROGER W. O'DELL
BY NOW, we have heard a lot of arguments against education voucher systems and charter schools, but have you ever considered this one:
What if mass education were to be wrested from the hands of public-school bureaucrats, and what if the monopoly over public education were to cease, much as AT&T's monopoly was halted?
Think about what's happened to the long-distance telephone industry since Congress put an end to the reign of Ma Bell! The competition, the advertising, the marketing, the telemarketing ... Just imagine the phone calls - at dinnertime, of course - just after you have lifted the first forkful to your lips: Ring! Ring! Ring! The 15th telemarketing call this month:
"Hello." (Pause.) "Hello? Is anybody there?" you inquire. (Pause.)
"Uh, Good evening. This is F-O-T. Would you please tell me who your current education carrier is?" asks a voice, reading from a script, no doubt.
"Tree-of-Knowledge High School," you assert, proudly.
"If you will switch your voucher to Fountain-of-Truth High School, we are currently offering a 40 percent discount on all of your child's elective courses. And, if your child enrolls in Spanish instead of Latin, he or she will be entitled to an additional 10 percent foreign-language discount. By the way, this discount is applicable to all languages that originated west of the 24th meridian and north of the 35th parallel or after the Fifth Century BC."
"Well, I'm quite satisfied with my current education carrier," you respond assertively.
"As an added bonus for signing up today, we will include a free F-O-T sweatshirt, embroidered with your child's name, plus a Dessert Bonus Card good for an extra dessert in the school cafeteria every Monday."
"I don't think I want to switch to F-O-T, thanks," you declare.
"If you are not completely satisfied with Fountain-of-Truth, we will pay your child's re-matriculation charges at your current education carrier, and he or she may keep the F-O-T sweatshirt with our compliments."
"Listen, I'm trying to eat my dinner, here ... ", you complain.
"Well, you go right ahead - but first, please tell me: How much money do you spend each month on lunches at Tree-of-Knowledge?"
"Egad! Maybe 45, 50 dollars."
"Our monthly lunch fee at F-O-T only runs 40 to 44 dollars. - Does your child ever receive detention at Tree-of-Knowledge?"
"Yes, but very, very rarely."
"Then there's another plus for us; we typically give out detention at least two or three times each week at no extra charge. Now let's get down to the important numbers. After all, they're the ones that everyone wants to know. Has your child taken the SAT yet?"
"Hmmm, yes."
"And what was his or her score, may I ask?" "About 610 in verbal, 590 in math, I think."
"Then I am sure you will be glad to know that F-O-T guarantees a composite score of at least 1040, or ... ''
"Hold on a minute, my daughter got a 1200." (Pause.)
"Well, good, I'm happy for her. - Now, to a sensitive issue for a moment: Does Tree-of-Knowledge allow your child to pray in school?"
"You're darn right, it does - if she prays silently."
"Then you will surely be pleased that Fountain-of-Truth permits prayer spoken aloud up to an audible level of 35 decibels. Do you realize that's 12.5 decibels louder than the national average for schools? And at that level, you definitely cannot hear a pin drop."
"Well, I should think not," you joke, "unless, of course, there were a hundred angels dancing on its head." (Pause.)
"Oh, uh, right - well, on to another sensitive issue, if you don't mind: Does Tree-of-Knowledge force your child to conjugate irregular verbs against her will?"
"I hope not!" you squirm.
"And how about memorizing dates of questionable historical significance?"
"Well, yes - but only until the tests on Fridays," you counter.
"In that case, you will be especially pleased to know that at Fountain-of-Truth, we administer all of our history tests on Thursdays. Thus, we reduce the unnecessary clogging of synapses by 24 hours. Now, isn't that more in keeping with your family's values? Which brings up another very important matter confronting today's families. Does your child know what the five food groups are?
"Huh? She told me there are four."
"Propaganda. Pure propaganda. Just one more piece of evidence that proves your child is receiving an inferior education at Tree-of-Knowledge. F-O-T's health-education classes drill the five food groups deep into the minds of all of our students."
"So, what's the fifth group?" you wonder.
"Sorry I can only think of three right now: hamburgers, fries and sodas."
"Must be ketchup," you mutter. (PAUSE.)
"Hey, we've been avoiding family-life education. Which of the following best describes sex ed at your school? A) Condoms are readily available in the boys' room. B) Condoms are only available from the school nurse. C) Condoms are not allowed within 100 feet of school property. D) Students at your school do not know what condoms are."
"I don't know. Hold on, I'll ask her. (Pause.) She says, 'Sex isn't a joke, Dad!'''
"Speaking of testosterone, I would be amiss if I did not ask you: Does Tree-of-Knowledge field winning football teams? At Fountain-of-Truth, we guarantee seven out of 10 winning seasons, plus three district championships and one state title. I'd bet your current education carrier can't beat those stats."
"Who cares?" you challenge.
"Doesn't everybody?"
"What about the arts or creative writing?" you interject.
"Hold on, now here's an advantage that is hard to ignore: Does your school provide a no-smoking wing?"
"No - but there are no-smoking bathrooms."
"If you switch today, we'll throw in free lunch." "Time to free my dinner. Good-bye!" (Click.)
A big joke? Yes, but only partly so. Remember, we are talking about big dollars here. At least $262 billion is at stake.
Consider a modest monthly phone bill of, say, $100. That's $1,200 dollars a year for the Baby Bells. Now, compare that with an average annual allocation of $6,000 per school-age child per year, or with two children in school, $12,000 - an order of magnitude larger than the same family's yearly phone bill.
Multiply the telemarketing calls tenfold, and listen to that phone ring!
More important, though, we should be asking, "Just what do schools offer?"
Roger W. O'Dell is a planning and computer consultant who lives in Roanoke County and has two children in public schools.
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