ROANOKE TIMES
Copyright (c) 1997, Roanoke Times
DATE: Friday, April 25, 1997 TAG: 9704250010
SECTION: CURRENT PAGE: NRV-2 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
TYPE: COMMENTARY
SOURCE: RAY COX
Word came over the wire recently that young scholars were being excused from school, at the request of their parents, so as to be first in line at the sporting goods haberdashery to buy the new Nikes.
Refreshing, isn't it, that people haven't lost sight of what is important in life.
No reports have come this way recently that such dedication to the cause of footwear has swept the halls of New River Valley schools. However, trends move quickly through our society via television and the Internet. Thus we may suppose a few locally who longed to be well-shod did actually consider waiting in line at the mall a more productive enterprise than a morning of algebra/trig.
To them, we offer these suggestions for the best uses for their new kicks:
Put them on and actually try to play a game of basketball. Admittedly, this is a novel use for such high-dollar ($100-plus, we are told) footwear. It's worth a try even if triple-digit price tag shoes aren't likely to elevate most people's games. Maybe it isn't the shoes. As noted philosopher Dan Hicks once observed, most people who wear cowboy hats don't know a durn thing about cows.
Put on your shoes and take a walk. Given your proven dedication to education, you're unlikely to find a job that will allow you to buy a Mercedes.
Take your shoes, put potting soil in them, plant pansies in them, and present them to your teacher at school. It is always polite to do something nice for someone you are meeting for the first time.
Wear them with a well-pressed suit, if you have one. You'll want to look nice when watching your classmates graduate.
Trade them for something useful. Maybe somebody will swap you the notes from all class time you seem to be missing.
Wear them to the convenience store. Maybe the clerk will think anybody with money for shoes like those is old enough to buy cigarettes.
Wear them to replace the ones you accidentally covered in paint while spraying details of your devotion to your girl (boy)friend on the overpass.
Wear them when you are left stranded by your broken down car. With all your money tied up in shoes, you won't be able to afford replacement auto parts. For that matter, you may not be able to afford a car.
Wear them to go buy your mother some chocolate-covered cherries and a subscription to Soap Opera Digest. You should be sweet to her for letting you skip school to be first in line at the shoe store.
Wear them to after-school activities. The padding will protect your ankles when you crouch down in the alley for a craps game.
Wear them while exercising. Leather-bottom street shoes may be uncomfortable for a long day spent skipping school and hanging out at the mall.
Take one of your new shoes, turn it upside down, put it on your head, and tie the string under your chin. It will make a splendid dunce cap.
LENGTH: Medium: 59 linesby CNB