THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, August 14, 1994 TAG: 9408120061
SECTION: HAMPTON ROADS WOMAN PAGE: 07 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY ANGIE MARBURY, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 163 lines
MARRIAGE IS a partnership in itself.
A partnership in finances. A partnership in raising a family. And for many couples in Hampton Roads - a partnership in business.
It's a risky venture, experts say. It takes a combination of good communication, relaxation and trust.
While some couples are succeeding at it, others often find it difficult to maintain.
Could you coordinate appointments with your husband all day, then laugh with him as you watch Seinfeld exchange quips with Kramer that night?
Could you slice cold cuts and work a cash register with your husband at your side eight hours a day and come home and cuddle with him on the couch?
``I'm the kind of woman who stands by her man. No matter what it takes, I'm there,'' is Doris Black's motto for business and marriage.
When her husband Harvey decided to own a limousine company five years ago, she exercised this motto but not without some minor qualms.
``I really didn't want to at first,'' Black said. ``I was frightened - literally afraid. But after rethinking my priorities and putting everything into perspective, I decided not to be a wife always complaining but be that supportive wife in whatever he decides to go into.''
Today the couple are partners in the Black-Ty Limousine Co. in Portsmouth and beaming with success.
``We don't yell at each other. If we have a problem, we can talk it out,'' Black said. ``Communication is the key. And I think we have that as far as business is concerned and marriage.''
They have it, but not many others can find that key so easily.
They look long and hard but soon realize that forming a business was better left undone.
``The relationship has to be quite strong to sustain the types of problems that would arise from working together,'' said Dr. Anthony Bruder, director of the Bruder Center For Counseling in Virginia Beach.
``Always being together - always talking about the business - this constant concern over the business so that it comes over the relationship. There's a need to take time together where you don't talk about the business. Couples should set side time to enjoy themselves.''
Bruder said he has lived the situation firsthand.
His wife is the business manager for their counseling center. And they've had their share of problems.
``I would be so focused on the business and she would be upset about that,'' he said. ``For an excellent marriage, it has to be more important than anything.''
For Mollie and Silas Barton who own the House of Jazz, a restaurant and lounge in Virginia Beach, many of their problems stem from the stress of long hours and trying to please customers.
Mollie said the customers get relaxation, safety, comfort, live entertainment and good food.
Being the owners, though, they experience none of these things.
Instead, they encounter people who want to have a good time but aren't willing to pay for it.
There's a $5 cover charge. No problem.
``But this is also a restaurant, and they don't want to spend money on the food. If we can find someone who's really interested in buying this business, we'd be out of here. And I would not look back,'' said Mollie.
They are hopeful though, Silas said.
``It's had its good days and its bad days. We do meet a lot of nice people here,'' he said.
``Yes that's about the only thing I would miss,'' Mollie said with a smile.
That's if they were to sell the business.
But for now, ``We're in too deep to get out,'' Silas said. ``We've invested a lot in this business. We're just hoping and praying that one day people will start supporting it.''
Since opening the business in 1991, the Bartons say most of their time and energy go virtually unrewarded. Also the business brings plenty of frustration - sometimes prompted by working all day with one another.
``But if we've had an argument or something like that, I say what I've got to say and then five minutes after that I'm fine and can start another conversation,'' Mollie said.
On the other hand, Silas said brooding is his way of dealing with disagreements.
That is why communication is so important, Bruder said.
He said when he and his wife want to talk business together, they often go to a restaurant - a less stressful environment.
But that is not often possible, the Bartons said.
``You don't really have a home life,'' said Mollie. ``This absorbs most of your energy.''
And the time they used to spend on vacations.
Before the business, they traveled to Africa, Singapore, Indonesia, Australia, Great Britain and cities across the United States.
It's what they intended to continue doing when they first decided to open the business as silent partners. But the other couple who would have been their partners backed out. This left the Bartons doing it all alone.
Now they're lucky if they have time to travel to the store.
Which is where Mollie often finds herself zipping back and forth from each night before opening.
Though they have 11 employees, ``We've had nights where no one came in,'' Silas said. ``She did the cooking, I the bartending, waiting on tables. We did it all ourselves.''
Though there's not much time for fun, Don and Gloria Beek somehow find the working environment a good source for close communication.
``We probably communicate more and better now than we ever did before,'' Don said.
Opening VanBeek's Deli in Chesapeake was something Don had wanted to do for a long time, but his wife continuously encouraged him to wait until their three girls were older.
For more than 10 years, Don was working as a counselor in a detention center; Gloria, a teacher's assistant in the Chesapeake Public School System.
When their youngest daughter, Wendy, turned 15 in 1985, it was time.
Until five years ago Gloria, worked only part time with the business.
``She devoted like 140 percent to her other job,'' said Don. ``I wasn't a part of that at all. I was maybe a little bit jealous of that. Now she devotes 250 percent to this job and that's great.''
Each morning Don arrives at the deli about 7:15 a.m. to get things started for the day. Gloria walks in about 9 a.m., eager to fill in where necessary. ``We each have our own duties. And we never tell each other, ``You better get them done,' '' Don said.
This practice alleviates many problems that are sure to surface, Bruder said.
``The delineation of authority and setting boundaries let the other partner know who's the authority over this and who's the authority over that,'' Bruder said.
Timothy Taylor, a licensed clinical social worker at Thrasher Faber Associates in Virginia Beach, said this is a control issue.
It's the biggest problem he said he encounters with husband-and-wife clients who run a business.
``At home those roles are often clearly defined by traditional stereotypes - old-fashioned stereotypes - the wife may wash the dishes and cook or whatever - the husband mows the lawn,'' said Taylor. ``In the office that can be the opposite depending on what the situation is.''
Taylor said resolving the control issue goes along with good communication.
``I think communication starts at home. Those that are good at sharing and communicating at home will be good at it in the office,'' Taylor said. ``Those that are not will find their home problems leading over to work.''
Doris and Harvey Black say they have managed to extend good communication beyond their marriage to their limousine business.
``It's rewarding because it's split between the two. You can trust more because you're with them all the time (your mate). One that you know and can put up with,'' Harvey said.
Doris nods in agreement. ``Not only are we partners in business, we're partners as husband and wife. Whatever decisions we make, we make as unity, not separate.''
And then there's trust, Bruder said.
The Beeks say trust is what has made both their partnerships survive.
``In this kind of business, it's hard to find people you can trust,'' Don said. ``The only reason we've been able to make it is because we're a family business. We have our bad days.. . . I just know I can count on her and she can count one me.'' ILLUSTRATION: MARTIN SMITH-RODDEN/Staff color photos
Don Beek starts his work day at VanBeek's Deli about 7:15 a.m., and
Gloria comes in about 9 a.m. to fill in where necessary.
``We've invested a lot in this business. We're just hoping and
praying that...people will start supporting it,'' said Silas Barton,
who co-owns House of Jazz with Mollie.
by CNB