THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1994, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, October 7, 1994 TAG: 9410060107
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: LISTEN UP!
LENGTH: Medium: 62 lines
DEAR SMITHA AND JON,
My parents seem to argue all the time, and it is driving me crazy! My mom comes home from work in the worst mood and always takes it out on the family. My two younger sisters are afraid my parents might get divorced, but I for one feel that we would all be better off if they did. What should I do? - Confused
Dear Confused,
Watching your parents fight can be painful - the two people you love most hurt each other - and you can't do much (if anything) to stop them. We are sorry that you are going through this, and we have an idea of how you must feel - mad, hopeless and scared.
Although you can't prevent your parents from arguing, you can try to control the effect their fighting has on you. You need to remind yourself that their arguments are neither your fault nor your responsibility. Nobody really knows what goes on between a couple except the couple themselves. And only they can resolve their problems.
Divorce is an option, but it's pretty much a last resort and could create even more stress than it relieves. At a time when things are relatively calm, try telling your parents how much their arguments hurt you. You could even take that a step further and ask if they'd avoid fighting when you and your younger sisters are around.
They may not be overly receptive, so say it gently and diplomatically - like you're asking for a favor or expressing sorrow - and be prepared for a backlash. Unfortunately, your words may not resolve the larger problem, but just letting them know how you feel will probably make you feel better - less helpless, more powerful.
There also appears to be tension between your parents and the rest of the family. It is easy to categorize your moody mother as the wicked witch of the household. What's harder but much more effective is try to figure out what's wrong and see if you can help.
Ask your mom why she is upset - maybe she comes home from a stressful day at work to find all the chores undone. Perhaps just by washing the dishes or helping with dinner, you could take some stress off her. Even something as simple as giving her a hug and reminding her that you care could alleviate some of the tension. She may have no idea of just how much her bad mood affects the family and she may be grateful you spoke up.
What's more important for you right now is to find a way to remain sane while your parents fight it out. When things get too heavy, try to find a means of escape such as turning up the Walkman, going for a walk or calling a friend. This may also be a good time for you and your sisters to rely on each other and be sources of comfort to one another.
Your parents may be just going through a phase and might work through their problems. In the meantime, take care of yourself and try your hardest not to let their anger rub off on you. MEMO: Smitha Gottimukkala is a senior at Norfolk Academy and Jonathan Kolm is
a senior at Tallwood High. Their column appears biweekly in Teenology.
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