THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, January 16, 1995 TAG: 9501160034
SECTION: FRONT PAGE: A1 EDITION: FINAL
SERIES: The subject is SEX
SOURCE: BY DIANE TENNANT, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 131 lines
``Close your ears,'' hissed the morning DJ. ``The children shouldn't hear this.''
Then he stage-whispered into the microphone a tidbit about a rising rock star: ``She likes sex.''
Like, who doesn't?
But America has taken to heart the admonition that children shouldn't hear about sex and sexuality - at the same time parents bemoan the rise of AIDS and teen pregnancy, divorce rates and sexual harassment.
The Virginian-Pilot and The Ledger-Star, in conjunction with WHRV radio, sponsored four community conversations - one each among teenagers, heterosexual men, heterosexual women and homosexuals of both sexes - to discuss the ways in which they came to understand sexuality.
When those 40 people from across Hampton Roads gathered to talk about sex, they came at the topic not as experts but as ordinary people whose expertise comes not from study but from the practical experience of rearing children, of succeeding and failing in marriage, of dating, of learning about their own sexuality.
Their consensus was that the parents aren't teaching it; the schools cover only the biology; the churches, for the most part, won't touch it.
So how do the children learn?
On the street corners, the 40 panelists said, from giggling girlfriends and bragging boys, between the pages of Playboy and the World Book Encyclopedia, from TV and romance novels. And from these unrealistic sources come the fantasy images of passion, fireworks and one-night stands that crash with the disappointment of the first sexual encounter or a failed marriage.
``Maybe 5 percent of the population would talk to their kids about sex and even get down to how-tos. You're not gonna get a lot of that,'' said Frederick I. Watson, president of the Virginia Male Adolescent Network, which teaches about sexuality from the emotional as well as the physical side, with heavy doses of safety and responsibility.
``Schools, that's where it should take place. And that's where it is taking place. Unfortunately, learning is not coming from the teachers, it's coming from other students.''
``Mom didn't talk about sex''
The facts of life came to Wanda Camm 32 years ago from the girls up the street.
``They were older than I was and so I guess when I was about 8 - 7 or 8 - they started telling me all these things that were going on,'' said Camm, 40, of Virginia Beach. ``Then when my mom got ready to tell me about the menstrual cycle, she had a little book, trying to show me pictures and she got all flustered and everything. And I said, `Don't worry about it. I already know.' So I kind of got her off the hook.''
Off the hook, but adrift in a sea of myth and misinformation. The authors of ``Sex in America,'' a book written off the landmark survey of American sexual behavior conducted by the University of Chicago, say, ``Young people learn by doing, with limited guidance from adults but with the message that sex is secret and maybe dirty but also irresistible.
``Ignorance is combined with an intense interest in sex, producing a heady mixture that retains its ability to confuse well into adulthood.''
Felicia Delk, 17, of Portsmouth, said that sex was a forbidden subject in her house, so she experimented to learn. ``I was curious,'' she said. ``She (mother) wouldn't talk to me about it. I wanted to see - was it just like it was on TV. I just wanted to find out how it was and nobody would talk to me about it.''
``You don't want your parents to think you're promiscuous,'' agreed Tramaine Carter, 18, of Portsmouth. ``They feel like if you're not doing it, then you've got no reason to talk about it.''
George West, 36, of Virginia Beach, also grew up in a tight-lipped household. ``Mom didn't talk about sex. That was just a forbidden subject. Period,'' he recalled. ``When I was 15, I moved in with my dad . . . of course, my dad had his standard Playboy, Penthouse magazines there and, of course, I'm 15, I'm looking, I'm curious. My dad never said one word about sex to me, ever. Just `Don't get 'em pregnant.' Never told me how not to or why - just `Don't get 'em pregnant.' ''
``Nobody ever taught me how to be married''
The public schools make a stab at teaching body parts, but teens say they learn the mechanics of sex years before the schools start talking about it. ``In my family life class,'' said 17-year-old Kelly Cramer of Norfolk, ``one girl was pregnant and three girls already had children at home.''
By avoiding the subject, society flirts with death. Kyle Taylor, an HIV-positive AIDS activist, said his message is not welcome in many locations. ``We're not educating the generations after us,'' he said. ``I cannot go into the school systems of Virginia Beach or Norfolk and talk about HIV or AIDS or about sexuality. I can't go to PTA meetings. Some churches will allow me to come and speak.
``I don't have a problem if you don't want me to speak but tell me who you are bringing in to the churches or the families to tell your children. I believe that it should be taught at home. Sexuality should be taught at home. But they're not doing that, they're not educating the children.''
The University of Chicago researchers also found that males and females gave different reasons for having their first sexual experience. More than half the males in the survey said they had sex out of curiosity, and only a quarter of them cited affection for their partner. In contrast, half of females said affection prompted the intercourse, and only a quarter cited curiosity.
Learning by experimenting covers not only the physical act, but also emotions and relationships with others.
The experiment isn't always successful.
``I was raised on a farm,'' recalled Bill Brobst, 65, of Kitty Hawk, who has been divorced and is now separated from his second wife. ``I learned the mechanics of sex very early and very thoroughly. . . . But I went into my first marriage with this idea . . . a lot about the mechanics and no idea of what a relationship should be like. And I still have some anger about that. Nobody ever taught me how to be married. Nobody ever taught me how to be a husband.''
Reagan Reeves, 31, of Virginia Beach, was an avid reader as a teen. She read her mother's romance novels. ``I would go in there and get out the good ones and read those,'' she recalled. ``The ones that had the real long, drawn-out explanations of what was going on. You know? The love scenes. Then the first time you're with a guy and you're like, wait a minute. This is nothing like those books!''
The media send images to girls that they should be attractive so men will sweep them off their feet in a whirlwind of romance. To boys, it says something completely different, said Dana Van Slycke, 42, of Virginia Beach.
``I think our society, when you're growing up, teaches boys to go out and get all they can. And I think that when that happens, we're in for a disappointment . . . and we end up learning there's a whole lot more to sexuality than `get all you can.' ''
When it comes to knowledge, though, conversation participants agreed that it may be best to get all you can. The question remains - how? ILLUSTRATION: Staff graphic by Janet Shaughnessy
Answers to our survey [Infoline Poll]
Source: "Sex in America" For copy of text, see microfilm
KEYWORDS: SEXUALITY INFOLINE POLL SURVEY POLL RESULTS by CNB