THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, February 7, 1995 TAG: 9502070030
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY MATTHEW BOWERS, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 139 lines
``HAPPILY EVER after'' wasn't looking like a long-term deal for Brian and Vicki Murray.
You couldn't tell from the surface. They were young and attractive with exciting careers and two healthy boys in their Hampton home. P. Brian Murray Jr. was a pilot and Vicki B. Murray a flight attendant for the same airline; they even tried to fly together at least once a month.
But somewhere, the fairy tale faded. They didn't always see eye to eye, and their disagreements grew more regular. They started to wonder why marriage seemed so hard. What was wrong with them? Things came to a head when they clashed about where to send the boys to school.
``It's just kind of life, you know? You get caught up in working, and things pull you apart,'' Brian Murray said. ``It's the `grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side' syndrome.''
The Murrays began thinking divorce. But they just as quickly decided to fight for their marriage. By doing so, they became part of a quiet trend noticed by many therapists and researchers.
It's not a stampede. The nation's high divorce rate hasn't plummeted, although it appears to have leveled off. But more couples seem to be working to save their relationships who, not long ago, would have been prime candidates for splitting up.
The reasons are many. Concern for the children, especially now that so much is known and publicized about the problems of children from split families. Financial worries. Fears of dating again in the age of AIDS. Less stigma on counseling. A realization that relationships take work.
And a determination to break away from the disposable-marriage era of the late 1960s and 1970s and 1980s.
``I think the primary reason I didn't get a divorce is my father left our family when I was 10 years old, left a wife and four children, and I was determined not to make the same mistake he did,'' said Brian Murray, 41.
``I didn't want to do the same thing to my boys. . . . And my wife's a good person. She's a good person - we were just stuck.''
Vicki Murray, 35, had many reasons to work out things with Brian. The children were her prime concern. There was her personality - easygoing, accepting, more willing to stay in an imperfect marriage. And there was Brian, and remembering what first brought them together.
``We are compatible,'' she said. ``We just don't agree on everything.''
So they went to battle. They tried three counselors in as many years before paying $2,800 last fall for an intensive, four-month program of group counseling and education that strengthened their 10-year marriage and, they believe, taught them the skills to keep it strong.
Marriages are still down and out-of-wedlock births are still up. But the divorce rate, while still estimated at 50 percent of all marriages and three-quarters of second and subsequent unions, stabilized at an estimated 4.7 per thousand Americans early in the 1990s. That was down from a high of 5.3 in 1982, according to the Census Bureau. And that little drop is enough to give hope to those who root for healthy, happy lifetime commitments - and the stability they provide children and communities.
``People don't seem to get out as quick as they did,'' said Norfolk therapist Marc D. Rabinowitz, who counseled the Murrays. ``I think people now realize there are some long-term deleterious effects. . . . It's my impression that people are working harder.''
``I think part of that is that divorce isn't all it's cracked up to be,'' agreed Karen M. Donahey, a therapist and assistant professor at Northwestern University Medical School in Chicago. ``I think a lot of people are finding out that life isn't so much better'' after divorce.
Another trend is the number of couples seeking help earlier, before their problems become insurmountable. Counseling and mediation is widely known through popular magazines and shelves full of self-help books. Some even get counseling before marriage.
``People used to come in more to get divorced, not to get it fixed,'' said Gerald T. Ramsey, director of Ghent Psychological Practice in Norfolk.
``It doesn't seem to be the stigma it used to be,'' Donahey said. ``I don't think people are running around saying, `Oh, we're in counseling!' But I don't think it scares people away like it once did.''
Not everyone is seeing a movement toward conciliation and away from divorce. University of Virginia psychology professor Robert E. Emery, an internationally renowned expert on divorce, points to the still-high divorce rate.
Others caution that a marriage full of conflict can be worse for children than a peaceful separation or divorce.
But the children weren't the motivation for Charles R. and Catherine C. Burke of Virginia Beach. She's a self-described independent ``Ohio Yankee,'' he's a ``Southern conservative'' from Mississippi. They bumped heads over their failures to communicate and control of finances. But they worked at keeping their 27-year marriage going, even after their two sons grew up and left home, out of old-fashioned commitment.
``As someone has described it, life is a roller-coaster,'' said Charles Burke, a 54-year-old lawyer in solo practice. ``You have periods of relaxed joy and short periods of downhill sharp turns and terror.''
They tried conventional therapy, church counseling, ``tons of self-help books'' and, on the verge of divorce, finally went for the four-month group program.
``By the time you've got 26 years in, you've got a pretty long mutual history,'' said Catherine Burke, a 53-year-old registered nurse. ``It's hard work - it takes that gut-level commitment that . . . it's something worth having.
``In our contemporary throwaway society, it's always easier to throw something away.''
She reached for her husband's hand and added, ``I like the old models.''
The increasing dependence of families on two incomes also is making couples think twice about divorce, said Tazewell T. Hubard III, a Norfolk lawyer whose mediation practice has mushroomed.
``I think the possibility of being cut off financially is a big factor,'' Hubard said. ``I think some people are rethinking their relationships . . . because obviously two people together can live cheaper than two people separately.''
Even if reconciliation is impossible, Hubard sees couples showing more concern about being good parents and making their split-up as easy as possible on their children.
``I hate to see them divorce or separate, but their concerns for their children is refreshing, because they're always the ones who suffered,'' he said.
With so many veterans of the divorce era around, much more is known about its effects. Many see that it's not a panacea and that trading partners doesn't always take care of your problems.
That's making more people open to training, said Howard J. Markman. He's a psychology professor and director of the University of Denver's Center for Marital and Family Studies and co-author of ``We Can Work It Out,'' a marriage-saving program also used to train Navy chaplain-counselors.
``Basically, it's a skill like any other skill,'' Markman said of marriage. ``It's not really counseling - it's education. Like Lamaze training. Preparing for marriage is like preparing for childbirth.''
His center helped write brochures containing research on divorce and tips for healthy marriages. In past year, Colorado authorities have begun handing them out to everyone who gets a marriage license.
Charles R. Hofheimer, a Virginia Beach divorce lawyer, thinks it's a sign of the times. Today's younger adults are more conservative than their parents, who are products of the 1960s, he said.
But he's not ready to change specialties.
``I think all of these influences are impacting the lack of acceleration of the divorce rate,'' he said, ``but I haven't noticed any lack of business.'' ILLUSTRATION: Color photos
RICHARD L. DUNSTON/Staff
by CNB