THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, March 20, 1995 TAG: 9503180044
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 75 lines
THIS CAN BE A TOUGH time of the year for hoop fans. Here we are into the first steps in that grand basketball boogie, the NCAA tournament. And there's more than one kind of March madness in the air.
Yes, it's as inevitable as a timeout with the score tied in the last minute of play. Sometime in the next few weeks - either at your home or at a neighbor's - people will be gathered around the TV to watch the tournament.
It is a time for the serious hoop fan to be very careful. Many of the people who have been invited to the party will have a knowledge of the game that is thinner than Dick Vitale's hair.
But that won't keep the idiots from spoiling your enjoyment of an exciting basketball game. No indeed.
Be forewarned that at a critical moment - probably when your alma mater has forced the other team into an overtime - one of the morons at the party is going to ask you a question.
I'll swear. Someone will want to know the meaning of a basketball term whether it's a ``zone defense'' or a ``three-second violation.''
My advice is to never, never give a proper answer. There are two reasons for this:
1. Even if the moron who has asked for your explanation grasps the answer, there will inevitably be several more clarifying questions.
2. It will encourage other dolts to ask questions, too.
A serious fan can lose up to 10 minutes of play and sometimes the ending of the game by encouraging mentally challenged game-watchers.
That is why I have prepared the following dictionary of basketball definitions to help you through this difficult period.
You may want to make copies of it and post at least one of them on the refrigerator where your guests or fellow game watchers can refer to it. It contains everything the non-fan needs to know.
(Please don't write me a gushing letter of thanks for this. It is merely part of my public service commitment to those who understand THE GAME.)
COMPLETE LIST OF BASKETBALL TERMS.
air ball: found in cat's stomach.
four corners: order placed at corn dog stand.
zone defense: underarm deodorant.
slam dunk: angry patron with coffee at Dunkin Donuts.
Dick Vitale: detective with charisma.
Bobby Knight: Prince Valiant on a wobbly horse.
touch pass: someone flirting with their fingers.
back door cut: how O.J. nicked his finger.
space eater: what you put in sunroom in winter.
nothing but net: tax accountants arguing over a company's profit.
Stackhouse, Wallace, and McGinnis: Philadelphia law firm.
Big Country: opposite of Luxembourg.
Judd Heathcote: mackinaw marketed by Hudson Bay Co.
Lute Olson: Norwegian musician.
pick and roll: camping gear for gold miner.
full court press: dry cleaner at Buckingham Palace.
shooting the trey: another gun nut loose at a McDonald's.
milking the clock: John Cameron Swayze finds a new immersion test for Timex.
goal tending: seminar topic for the pre-retirement set.
low post: regular mail service in third world country.
high post: air mail for third world country.
charging foul: a fighting cock.
top of the key: bar atop a hotel in southern Florida.
drop step: missing rung at bottom of ladder. ILLUSTRATION: No, this is not a signal for a field goal. If you need to ask,
Larry Maddry has a special glossary of basketball terms just for
you.
by CNB