THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, March 28, 1995 TAG: 9503280049
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY DENISE WATSON, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 144 lines
BARBARA CUNNINGHAM knew it was coming but she didn't know when, and she didn't know how. But about a year ago, she heard that bubbling, shrill signal that she, like most parents, had been dreading.
``I heard my daughter giggling with her girlfriends in her room. That was about the end of her seventh-grade year or beginning of her eighth,'' said Cunningham of Norfolk.
``That's when I knew. . . . All I could think of was, `No, not my baby.' ''
What she realized was her 12-year-old's sudden interest in boys, thus beginning the tentative steps toward adulthood. It's around the 11th or 12th year of life when kids delve deeper into puberty, that period of intense physical and emotional development for children and sheer hell for parents.
``I think certainly in middle school most students become more interested in the opposite sex. Their hormones are popping out like zits,'' said Gwendolyn Earl, chairwoman of the guidance department at Blair Middle School in Norfolk.
``To me, if the family has established a good relationship and good communication, it will help. But be patient. This is normal. This is going to happen.'' WHY IS MY CHILD BOY-CRAZY?
Children in elementary school tend to hang out with kids of the same sex, choosing their friends largely based on who lives near whom and who's on the pee-wee football team.
But around age 10, children begin to pick friends based on shared interests and beliefs; cliques become the security pre-teens need as they stumble their way through adolescence. When children develop and act on their interest in the opposite sex depends on the community, the child's sexual maturity and the parents' value systems.
``Girls become more interested in boys earlier, because they start puberty earlier,'' said Dr. Bennett Leventhal, professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of Chicago. ``The trick is to know your children and the children in your community. The only way to learn the kids and the parents in the community is to get out in the community.''
This interest manifests itself in true adolescent form, reflecting the ambivalence kids are dealing with - phoning a boy only to hang up when he answers, leaving notes in school lockers, eagerly going to coed parties only to stand in the corner the whole time. One psychologist says parents are too quick to discourage the onslaught of ``crushes,'' when parents should learn to respect them.
``We want to protect our children from hurt and harm . . . and I understand the parents' concern, but that is also another part of learning about relationships,'' said Joyce Munsch, assistant professor in human development and family studies at Texas Tech University. ``Sometimes they do hurt, sometimes they disappoint us. But learning that at this stage is probably a developmental benefit.''
If all this is normal, when should I be worried about my child?
Leventhal's answer is: always.
``I say that in jest, in part, but once a kid gets this age, you worry. You can't see everything, you can't be everywhere, because you're busy doing things,'' Leventhal said. ``But how do we put those worries to good use? Is it being punitive? Prohibiting what's not prohibitable?
``If it's worry because my child doesn't have the knowledge and skills to handle this, then that should be a sign for parents to teach their kids those skills. The goal is to teach them skills to solve the problems, not solve the problems for them.''
The most obvious concerns are children associating with a much older crowd or drastic changes in the child's behavior, schoolwork or relationships with other friends. Leventhal said parents often waste energy trying to get their kids to stop thinking and talking about sex.
``But that's impossible. Children will always think about sex, because they're no different from their parents,'' said Leventhal, who added that parents often forget how they behaved when they were 12.
Parents can use these opportunities to spread a little education about sex and dating responsibility.
``Teach them respect for self and respect for others,'' Leventhal said.
But most parental angst comes from the basics of coming-of-age. There's a fear that allowing a small step - like going to the skating rink with friends - is permission to leap into adult behavior.
David Klein of Portsmouth recently banned his son, 13, from a pizza party. He didn't want to promote a ``relationship'' between his son and a girl his son liked.
``I was afraid I was pushing them together into something more serious by letting him go,'' Klein said with a nervous laugh.
But Munsch said it most likely wouldn't.
``Parents might be reading a little more significance than what the children themselves see in the situation. It's not unusual for kids to start having these experiences by getting together and hanging out,'' Munsch said. ``In the parent's mind, that's dating. But if you talk to the kids, it's not dating. . . . Try to understand what the relationship is and means to the child. Make sure the adult is not trying to put an adult spin to it.''
Earl warns parents not to worry when their children become more private and reticent during this transition. Some parents resort to eavesdropping on conversations or reading diaries, which psychologists call extreme violations of trust. It's common for kids to need their space.
``Be patient, it's normal, but keep the lines of communication open. I think children need to feel you're respecting their privacy,'' Earl said. ``You can say something like, `Oh, it's nice for that person to call.' If they see you're interested in their happiness and not a busybody, it wouldn't worry them so much.''
So what can or should I do as a parent?
Communication between parents and children is necessary. For both parties.
``The key is not to ask,'' Munsch said. ``You tell the child how you're feeling: `I know that so-and-so has been calling you, I know you want to make these plans, but I have to tell you it makes me uncomfortable and I want you to know why.' ''
Children should receive equal time in listening.
``The one thing kids complain about,'' Earl said, ``is adults interrupting.''
Teenagers ask that parents not only give them an ear but also give them more respect.
``I hear, `Oh, it's only puppy love,' '' said 14-year-old Sharita (she didn't want her last name used), a Maury High School freshman. ``Yes, I know it's puppy love and I know I'm too young. But maybe that's what I want. I want to experience it.''
Psychologists suggest establishing understandable, reasonable guidelines for kids.
Cunningham's 14-year-old is allowed a ``boyfriend'' but can't go out on dates, and he's only allowed to visit when Cunningham is home.
The magic words in devising limits are ``understandable'' and ``reasonable.''
``Issuing ultimatums like `You're not dating until you're 16' doesn't allow flexibility. If before your child is 16 the child is mature, you lock yourself in,'' Munsch said. ``Also, there seems to be a human tendency, psychological reaction, that when someone tries to lock down your independence or autonomy, you react. That's exactly when you're most bound and determined to do it.''
Parents can be active in their child's social life while not being too intrusive. Being the parent to drive the kids to the mall offers the chance to get to know your child's friends. By hosting parties, parents can get to know their child's buddies and convey appropriate dating behavior by establishing party rules: no roaming around the house, no alcohol, no lights out.
Some parents say the most important advice is to take a deep breath and brace for the bumpy ride.
``I have a co-worker who has a 7-year-old son who just saved up his allowance to buy a little girl a dreamcatcher,'' Cunningham said. ``They just seem to grow up so fast. It's difficult to watch your kids grow up.'' ILLUSTRATION: JOHN CORBITT/Staff
by CNB