THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, April 21, 1995 TAG: 9504210706
SECTION: FRONT PAGE: A6 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY MATTHEW BOWERS, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Medium: 100 lines
Smoke and fire and rubble. People running, crying, bleeding. Strangely silent children swathed in bandages.
The images from Wednesday's bomb blast in Oklahoma City leapt from televisions and the morning newspaper. Four-year-old Richard Lester had questions.
``He saw some of the pictures and wanted to know what happened to the babies,'' said his mother, Kathleen L. Lester, a Virginia Beach homemaker. ``We just explained to him that there are some mean people in the world and they do mean things sometimes.
``Then he wanted to know where their mommies and daddies were.''
Parents in Hampton Roads and around the country can expect more questions like that, experts say. Descriptions and sights that put tears in the eyes of adults - Richard's mother was one of them - are bound to catch the attention of their children.
Even in an increasingly violent world, this was different. This was not Beirut or Bosnia. This was home. And many of the victims were children. Children who looked like our children.
``The thing TV seems to do is bring everything into a child's back yard,'' said Douglas A. Riley, a licensed clinical psychologist in the Chesapeake office of Ghent Psychological Practices.
Sometimes children will say nothing for days, then suddenly ask if they could be killed, or whether their parents are going to die.
``Kids are naturally curious, naturally intelligent, naturally self-protective. And sometimes that scares the dickens out of parents,'' said David H. Paige, a licensed clinical social worker with Tidewater Psychotherapy Services in Virginia Beach.
``Most people recommend that parents deal with it straight, deal with it calmly as a request for information, as a really great sign that a child is creative and interested. . . . `Fact: There are bad people in the world and they try to hurt people.' The kid knows that from the playground anyway.''
But keep the reality within limits, Paige said: don't tell your 6-year-old about her statistical chances of dying. But your 16-year-old could handle it.
After information, children want assurance. Show them how far away Oklahoma City is. Remind them of all the things that keep them safe. Tell them you will protect them, even if you are not certain you can.
``When ambiguity is so high, they turn to parents to reduce the ambiguity,'' Riley said. ``Give them a lot of lap time, a lot of arm-around-them, that kind of thing.''
Riley did just that Thursday with his own two elementary school-age children.
Dr. Eitan D. Schwarz, head of the Division of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry at Evanston, Ill., Hospital, suggested that the tragic bombing could be a catalyst for discussions about everything from politics to prejudice.
``We must find a balance on the one hand between helping a child feel safe, and on the other acknowledging the existence of violence, evil and danger in the world,'' Schwarz wrote in parenting tips he distributed Thursday to on-line computer discussion groups. ``This must be done in a manner appropriate to the child's ability to understand.''
The Lesters wonder how much of all this young Richard has absorbed. He accepted his parents' explanations about the bombing and said he was sad that the babies were crying. His mother wonders what might pop out of him a week from now, and how to handle it.
``My first reaction to this yesterday - I told my husband - is I want to move to the backwoods of Canada,'' Kathleen Lester said. ``You can't do that, either. It's just really frightening.'' ILLUSTRATION: Graphic
Tips for parents to help their children cope with Oklahoma City
terrorist bombing:
1. Don't bring up the topic first, but wait for your children's
questions.
2. Answer calmly. Be truthful, but don't give more details than
necessary. Adjust your answer to your children's ages and needs.
3. Emphasize how far away the bombing was.
4. Tell them that just because bad things happened to other
children doesn't mean they'll happen to them.
5. Tell them that many police officers are looking for the
bombers, and when they catch them they'll be tried in court.
6. If you normally limit your children's viewing of violent TV
shows, limit how much news coverage of the bombing you allow them to
see.
7. Don't overreact to nightmares, but offer comfort.
8. Assure younger children you'll keep them safe - even when
you're not so sure yourself. Remind them of how much safety is in
their lives.
9. Watch for changed behavior: increased shyness, anxiety about
strangers, clinginess, stomachaches, lost appetite, sleep problems
or nightmares, or spontaneous talk about being hurt or kidnapped.
Two or three days of this is normal; three or four weeks may
indicate a need for professional counseling.
10. Increase their feelings of security. Tell them family
members' plans for each day. Hug and hold them more.
Sources: Children's mental-health professionals
KEYWORDS: BOMBS EXPLOSIONS FATALITIES TERRORISM
OKLAHOMA CITY
by CNB