THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, May 9, 1995 TAG: 9505100658
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY DENISE WATSON, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 162 lines
PEOPLE HAVE called Sharon Foster crazy before.
There was that time when, in search of a new look, she dunked her head in a sink filled with hydrogen peroxide.
And there were those times when, as a teenager, she stole her mom's station wagon and played chicken along the dirt roads of Suffolk.
But now friends think she's truly lost her mind.
``My husband and I divorced last year,'' the Norfolk woman says, ``but we decided to live near one another.''
Foster lives in the same apartment complex as her ex. ``It sounds crazy but I think it will be the best thing for (our son),'' she says.
Foster and her former husband are taking their best shot ``co-parenting,'' an equitable sharing of responsibilities among parents who have split or have never married.
Each year about 1 million American children have parents who separate or divorce, according to government reports. Another million are born to unwed girls or women, many of whom don't live with the children's father.
Traditionally in those cases, custody and visitation is a matter for the courts. The children live with one parent and see the other when a court order dictates.
But the Fosters, like many other parents, have chosen to forego the legal battle. They sat down at a kitchen table and worked out their arrangements on their own.
``We, as a couple, have our problems,'' Dave Foster says. ``But we decided that we wanted the best for our child.
``We sat down and wrote a chart of when and how we could split time and expenses. If she can't do something because she has to work, I'll get him that evening. Vice versa. If she's a little late, I'm not going to call the cops. I know she's a good mom.
``So far it's working out great.'' Garry Cofield, clinical director of Child & Family Service of Southwest Hampton Roads, stresses the need for both parents to be involved in the child-rearing.
``The one thing (parents) will always have - and must share - is the parenting of this child or children,'' Cofield says. ``And for the love of those children, they must set aside any marital animosity so that they can actively parent their children.''
Parents and psychologists agree that there are some basic guidelines that can make co-parenting successful:
Be flexible
Margaret Young and her ex-husband couldn't live by a set schedule if they wanted to. Her ex-husband's job keeps him on the road, and her children, ages 22, 18 and 13, have busy social lives.
``So I let him see them whenever he wants. He lives in D.C., so sometimes he comes down and spends the day with them,'' Young says. ``If he's home during the summertime, he takes them for the weekend or the week. I have no problems with that.''
In between visits, Young's ex calls the children regularly on the phone. The older children drive, and they visit him on their own.
And sometimes, if he's unable to visit the children at their Norfolk home, Young drives to Washington. Young has spent the past two Christmas holidays with her former husband and the children in Washington. Young slept in the spare bedroom.
``We've sat down and talked over our differences. It takes some time,'' Young says. ``But we're flexible because I understand he has to work, and I know he wants to see his children. We work it out. We now have a great relationship and we get along great.''
Thirteen-year-old Mary Ann is happy with the arrangement.
``I see him often enough. . . . We go out to movies or putt-putt golf or something,'' Mary Ann says. ``He travels a lot, but whenever he's home from work, I see him and I talk to him every other week.''
Work and school routines are obvious things to consider when making scheduling arrangements, but the child's age should also be a factor.
Infants to school-age children need regular contact with both parents. As role-modeling begins, pre-adolescents tend to gravitate to their same-sex parents. Teenagers, with their growing independence, usually don't appreciate hard-and-fast rules.
Depending on the maturity of the child, ``it might be a good idea to have the child's input in the decision-making,'' says Lorraine Wiegand, clinical psychologist with the Barry Robinson Center in Norfolk.
``The teenage boy might not want to spend the weekend with a parent, and parents need to remember that's part of their development and not take it as a rejection. Put it in the perspective: If they were in the same house, he wouldn't be home on the weekends anyway.''
Put aside the anger
One 35-year-old Virginia Beach woman says it took months for her arrangement with her ex-husband to gel. She was dealing with the grief of a failed marriage when she learned of an extra-marital affair.
``There were times when we were very angry, and unfortunately the kids did see some of that stuff,'' says the woman, who asked that her name not be published.
But she and her husband then made a conscious effort to put their differences aside. She tried, she says, ``to put myself in the shoes of my two sons.''
She's decided to never say anything negative about her ex in front of her kids. The couple have joint custody, and she alerts her ex to parent-teacher conferences and other activities. When children have a disagreement with their father, she encourages them to discuss it with him. She even helps them rehearse what they'll say.
``I don't want to come between my sons and my ex-husband. I help them rehearse what they'll say to him. We do some role-playing and they like that,'' she says. ``I want them to love their father. . . . We are able to laugh around our children. I believe even if you hate the person, be friends with them in front of the children.''
For parents who can't move beyond the anger on their own, counseling and mediation can help.
``There's a lot of anger and frustration at the failure of the relationship,'' Cofield says. ``Invariably, we want to place blame, and that does not help much in the healing.''
One technique Cofield uses is to have parents name bothersome issues and write them on paper. Then he has the parents destroy the paper.
``Vent it for one last time,'' he says. ``It sounds hokey, but you'd be surprised at how it works effect-ively.''
Involve stepparents carefully
Stepparents are most effective when they work in conjunction with the birth parents, rather than as additional parents, Cofield says.
``There are exceptions, of course, but if the stepparent can become a friend to the child and a support to the birth parents, that's wonderful,'' he says. ``If they try to become more, if they try to become a parent, that's not going to work.''
When it comes to discipline, Cofield says, stepparents need to receive guidance from the parents on how he or she should act.
``The stepparent doesn't have the emotional money in the bank that you can only get there from birth, or being there for a long period of time,'' he says. ``If you're responsible for watching the child and something happens - they break something or tries to hit a sibling or the stepparent - of course, try to intervene. But beyond the immediate, wait for the birth parent.
``The stepparent wouldn't function any differently than a baby-sitter or the school system.''
If stepparents can be supportive, it might be helpful to involve them in the parents' discussion on raising the children. Wiegand says she's seen some families evolve to the point where all four adults will root for the children at soccer games.
``If you can have four parents interacting like that, that's great. It's almost like extended family,'' Wiegand says. ``The more nurturing support the children can get, the better.''
New spouses can also be helpful in other roles, such as watching a child when the parents aren't available. They can also help the kids decide what names to call them.
Diane Franklin of Norfolk is called ``mom'' by both her daughter and stepson. Her daughter, Rachel, even has another ``mom,'' because her former husband has remarried.
``It doesn't bother me when my daughter calls her stepmother `mom.' She could call five women her mom, but I know who I am,'' Franklin says. ``It's something Rachel wanted to do, and I respect that.''
Listen to the children
Psychologists urge parents to listen to kids' concerns and frustrations during divorces. Parents need to repeatedly reassure children that the separation wasn't their fault and that the parents will always love them.
Cofield says, ``I believe that just because a marriage has ended, or a relationship that bore children has ended, it doesn't mean the kids have to suffer.'' ILLUSTRATION: Color staff photoillustration by Lawrence Jackson.
KEYWORDS: CO PARENTING CO-PARENTING JOINT CUSTODY DIVORCE by CNB