THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Wednesday, May 10, 1995 TAG: 9505100046
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 73 lines
DO YOU BELONG TO a gun club, militia or bowling team?
If so, odds are the funds in your outfit are running a little low this time of year.
Maybe your bus has bald tires that need replacing. Or the roof is leaking into your club rec room. There's always something an organization needs that requires money.
I'll bet many of your group's meetings are concerned with finding the perfect fund-raising event so your treasurer will stop complaining about bills with no money to pay them.
If so, do I have good news for you!.
WHY NOT HOLD A STATE-SPONSORED WILD PIG BARBECUE! Yes, as incredible as it sounds, you and your club could be on the receiving end of a barbecued wild pig at no cost, thanks to new state conservation policies.
Yep, a really important policy change at False Cape State Park - which is bad news for wild pigs - could be a windfall for your non-profit organization while satisfying the public's craving for finger-licking, sauce-basted pork parts.
And it's all because of good ole Kirby Burch, our pistol-packin' state conservation director and nemesis of the spotted owl crowd.
Maybe you read up on whut ole Kirby done. It was in the papers. Last Thursday, ole Kirby couldn't get a park ranger to plug a wild pig at False Cape State Park. So he drove out there with a car caravan of state officials and drilled one of the wild pigs himself. The porker proved to be too puny for words, so he found a really big un and blowed that squealer away, too! Yee-hah!
Ole Kirby is a good-hearted soul. When some folks complained that you are not supposed to carry hand guns in the park except in designated areas and that ordinary folks would be tossed in the slammer for shooting one of the porkers unless authorized, he had the perfect answer.
Ole Kirb told um he done it so that he could give the wild pig to National Guardsman for a barbecue. WELL, RIGHT ON KIRBY!
And that is where you and your fine organization come in. Naturally, we can't have folks running all over that park, firing their assault rifles and bazookas at everything that moves. So don't even think about taking your group out there wild pig hunting.
That's what ole Kirby is there for. As conservation director, he will ensure that those wild pigs are conserved exclusively for those holding a proper barbecue. Like the National Guard or maybe your church group.
So don't worry. While you can't hunt at False Cape State Park, there is nothing to stop Kirby. And once you have filled out the form below, I know he'll be happy to pick up his gun for you.
Imagine the joy you and your nonprofit outfit will get selling tickets to a barbecue - guaranteed free of tusk parts or bullet shrapnel - nailed by the state's most prominent hunter - our very own state conservation director.
But don't delay. Fill out the enclosed form right away.
PLUG ONE FOR ME - COST FREE!
Kirby Burch
State Conservation Director
Richmond, Va.
Dear Kirby,
I represent . . . a nonprofit organization qualified for wild pig barbecue aid by the State of Virginia. Please shoot one for me. We are expecting . . . people. And will need . . . pounds of wild porker. I understand that wild pigs may not be available and will accept substitute game, such as deer, wild pheasants, bald eagles, herons or even large songbirds, depending upon their availability in the park.
(Signed).
Yep, that should do it by CNB