THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, May 14, 1995 TAG: 9505120220
SECTION: SUFFOLK SUN PAGE: 03 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY FRANK ROBERTS, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 113 lines
For those able to meet today's demands and cope with its pressures, life on this Mother's Day may be greeting-card cheery.
But motherhood is no easy role these days. Even defining it is a challenge.
With that in mind, I chatted with four members of the Suffolk Psychiatric Group about some of the issues of contemporary motherhood.
``More women than men have emotional illnesses,'' said Dr. Haydeh Esmaili, the group's founder. ``Their responsibilities are overwhelming.''
And, she said, they have different emotional problems than men: ``One of four women have depression, compared to one of nine men.'' From 75 to 80 percent of the population that seeks help are women.
Esmaili and other group members emphasized that hints from the pre-Mother's Day discussion is no substitute for individual counseling.
``We help families manage children. We also help mothers take a look at how they can take care of themselves,'' said Dr. Ellen M. Kveton.
``The demands on mothers can be frustrating, especially on those in the work force, who still shoulder most of the work at home. What's left out? Taking care of herself. There's a guilt feeling that if women do that, they're not being an ideal parent.''
Esmaili offered, ``Family needs must be taken care of, but mom should take care of herself, too.''
Taking care of children is often difficult because lessons learned at school can be hard to handle at home. ``Kids in school are taught to be more assertive - to express themselves,'' Esmaili said. ``They try to do that at home, and a lot of parents have difficulty dealing with it.
``The parents recall they were unable to do that when they were growing up. But you can't run a family like you did yesterday. And one-parent families are rougher.''
Esmaili asked the chicken-egg question.
``If you have problems with a child, is it the child having problems, or the parents having difficulties handling the problem? Listen to your child. Be his friend instead of trying to control and rule him. Parents must teach, but the first thing is a relationship.''
Those relationships, according to Dr. Louis B. Seyler, can be hurt by punishment, helped by discipline.
Parents who punish think they're doing a good job, he said. ``That's a holdover idea. Punishment does not stimulate better behavior. It creates friction and damages the parent-child bond.''
Seyler said: ``I don't advocate physical punishment. I advocate withdrawing privileges. Children are not harder to handle these days. It's the kind of management families adopt. Parents have to be more flexible. Limits, rules, expectations have be set.''
One of the most important parental tasks is teaching values.
``Mothers should do that very early on,'' said Dr. Lisa M. Willard. ``Teach them all along. The kids will pick up what they see is valuable and refine their own sense of values.''
Often, those parenting jobs share time with jobs away from home.
``Mothers must find a way to combine family and career life, and they must do a good job of satisfying provisional and emotional needs,'' Esmaili said. ``If they're not successful, they create a lot of problems for themselves and their families.''
Kveton expects her first child in July.
``What bothers me most are the realities of motherhood,'' she said. ``The emotional part does not come with my degree. The challenges will be there. It's knowing what I should do versus knowing what I can do.'' ILLUSTRATION: One of the most important parental tasks is teaching values,
says Dr. Lisa M. Willard, left.
``Mothers should do that very early on. Teach them all along. The
kids will pick up what they see is valuable and refine their own
sense of values.''
Willard is a Licensed Professional Counselor treating children,
families and couples. Her specialty areas include Attention-Deficit
Hyperactivity Disorder, depression and anxieties, and stress
management.
``Punishment does not stimulate better behavior. It creates friction
and damages the parent-child bond,'' says Dr. Louis B. Seyler.
``I don't advocate physical punishment. I advocate withdrawing
privileges. Children are not harder to handle these days. It's the
kind of management families adopt. Parents have to be more flexible.
Limits, rules, expectations have be set.''
Seyler is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 25 years
experience in child, family and adult therapy.
Mothers must find a way to combine family and career life, and they
must do a good job of satisfying provisional and emotional needs,''
says Dr. Haydeh Esmaili.
``If they're not succesful, they create a lot of problems for
themselves and their families.''
Esmaili, was Chief Resident during her residency at Eastern Virginia
Medical School of Norfolk where she worked with victims of sexual
abuse, mostly children and adolescents. She has a two year
certificate of advanced training in family therapy from the Family
Therapy Institute.
``The demands on mothers can be frustrating, especially on those in
the work force,
who still shoulder most of the work at home.
What's left out? Taking care of herself.
There's a guilt feeling that if women do that, they're not being an
ideal parent,'' says Dr. Ellen M. Kveton, who is expecting her first
child in July. Kveton is a Clinical Psychologist specializing in the
evaluation and treatment of children and their families. She
provides psychotherapy to children with a variety of emotional and
behavorial problems.
by CNB