THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, June 12, 1995 TAG: 9506100045
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E3 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 70 lines
A RRRRGHHHH!
I cannot believe women are so stupid. Here comes another story over the news wires about women's bathing suits.
This one is from The Hartford Courant. Get a load of what it says:
``If you have a squarish or boyish figure, define your waist line. Try two-piece suits with a drop-yoke waist.''
What sort of gobbledygook is that? How do you define your waist? ``It's a place above the hips and below my tum-tum''?
Women, no matter what size or shape, will waste time defining their waists.
If they are going to define anything, I suggest they start defining drop-yokes. That would be a useful public service. What are these swimsuit writers talking about?
None of it makes sense.
A woman cannot go to the store and pick out a swimsuit she likes. Nope. There's a a lot of work to be done before she gets there.
For instance, Land's End suggests women take complicated measurements for every section of their bodies - so they get a perfect swimwear fit.
Here's one for the woman's torso. I swear. Get a load of this:
``Put one end of the tape measure on your right shoulder. Run the tape over the fullest part of the right breast, through the center of your abdomen, through your legs and back up to the shoulder.''
Riiiggghhttt! And when you get to the store, ask for the model with the optional arm sling in a matching color.
With so much emphasis on expensive women's swimwear with cantilever effects, hidden girdles and wonder bras, it's a shame men's swimwear doesn't get the same attention.
You rarely, if ever, read a man's guide to swim trunks. Which is why I am happy to offer a little help as a public service.
All you need to know about selecting and wearing swim trunks:
Pick a pair of trunks that will look good and blend with your surroundings. For instance, if you have a beach towel that is printed with the slogan ``Drink Till You Puke and Surf Naked,'' do not spoil the effect by wearing a pair with paisley pattern or mixed colors, which will detract from the towel. Try a solid color. Barf green might do it.
If you have a big butt, don't try to hide it by selecting a pair of trunks several sizes too large. It never works, because when you sit down in the water, a ton of sand will collect in the seat and look gross when you stand up. It is far better to wear your normal swimwear size. Then, when you get to the beach, dig a large hole and sit in it all afternoon.
Men with skinny legs often try to disguise their toothpick stems by wearing high heels on the beach. This never works. Try wearing baseball catchers' shin guards and walking backward. Or try a T-shirt that is so long it drags the ground.
Hog bellies. If you have a belly like a hog, trunks alone, no matter how flattering, won't hack it. You need extra help. Try wearing a T-shirt over the trunks that advertises a barbecue place. Preferably one with a hog printed on it. Cut out the part of the shirt where the hog is and let your stomach poke through. Use a ball point to draw a mouth and tail on your stomach.
Tattoos. People with tattoos are sometimes embarrassed by them and buy swim trunks that cover up some of the best scenes on the body - such as a tattoo on the hiney showing dogs chasing rabbits. Often your tattoos are better looking than you are. It is better to wear a slingshot brief if you have interesting tattoos. Remember that some people only get to the beach once or twice a summer, and you want to make their experience truly memorable. by CNB