THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, October 29, 1995 TAG: 9510280063
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E10 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY ANN G. SJOERDSMA
LENGTH: Medium: 82 lines
YOU GOT A problem? Somebody gettin' on your nerves? ``Bang'' him. No more problem.
That's what I learned by leading a self-help group of 12 ``problem kids'' at a Baltimore middle school. ``Banging,'' as they called physical retribution, solves all problems. Talk is cheap.
This disheartening experience came to mind when I read the results of the 10-year study by the Carnegie Council on Adolescent Development. According to the Council, half of the nation's 19 million children ages 10 through 14 are at ``high or moderate risk'' of engaging in self-destructive behavior: alcohol and marijuana abuse, promiscuity, assault, truancy, suicide.
While a ``dirty dozen'' of inner-city kids does not make a generation, it is a starting point. They represent the extreme; but other seemingly trouble-free adolescents are on the same spectrum of disaffection. Untouched, out of touch.
Two hours each week the 12- and 13-year-olds in my group sat in a small office venting their anger - about racism, teachers, and school rules. Black and white, male and female, they called themselves the ``A-Team'' and formed their own code of conduct. But mostly they enjoyed missing class and yelling to be heard.
To blame poverty, neglect, or the lack of positive role models for their existential trauma is to understate the immensity of the problem such adolescents - and others - pose to themselves, their families, and society. I recognize the lack of empathy. The kids who met with me for one long, anxious semester could relate in only one way. All they understood was position - money, power, prestige, status, possessions, dominance.
Among themselves, they asked who's stronger, tougher, faster, bigger, prettier, sexier? Other pre-teens I've met or taught - those not labeled problem kids - ask Who's thinner, funnier, smarter? Always, who's better?
They are like so many adults, socialized primarily to compete and control, but not to relate, to empathize. Adolescents watch adults, at home, at school, in the news, on TV, everywhere, and learn what behavior and values are acceptable, even rewarded. All too often, they learn emotional alienation.
When I talked about relationships, love, and intimacy, the kids turned away. None would speak of his or her parents.
When in conflict, they sought revenge; they punished. And if they had no object to assail, they unwittingly turned on themselves, through classroom disruption, drug abuse, and promiscuity. I could predict the teenage pregnancies, the dropouts, the jail sentences.
``How many people believe banging is the way to solve a problem?'' I asked the A-Team.
All hands shot up.
``But what does fighting solve? Even if you beat a person up, the underlying problem doesn't go away.''
``Of course, it does,'' they argued. ``You can't let somebody push you around. Once you bang him, he leaves you alone.''
``Have you ever tried talking out a problem?''
``Talk's cheap, Miss Ann.''
Week in and week out, ``Talk's cheap, Miss Ann.'' Low self-esteem laced every example they gave me - a girl knifes another girl because she flirts with her boyfriend; a boy beats up another because he makes fun of his clothes - but they couldn't see it. They could not relate to, or even identify, the underlying emotions (jealousy, fear, sadness, anger, shame), much less reason through them. And they wouldn't listen to each other.
Like so many young people, these kids sought love, support, comfort, and acceptance from the very people who withheld such feelings.
``Why do you want to hurt people?'' I asked.
``Because it's fun.''
``What's fun about causing pain?''
``Looking at their faces, all scared and funny looking,'' they answered, laughing. Talk of emotions always elicited laughter.
The kids are right: Talk can be cheap. We adults need to show, through healthy, emotionally open relationships, based on mutual trust and respect, that we care about each other. At home. At work. Out in the world. Too many of us engage in vengefulness, undue criticism, avoidance, and defensiveness. Too many prize sexual prowess and appeal over love and affection.
If we have problems with intimacy, we need to confront them. We need to start thinking more with our hearts, less with our egos. Don't laugh off emotions. We need to connect so that our kids will, too. MEMO: Ann G. Sjoerdsma is book editor for The Virginian-Pilot. by CNB