THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, November 14, 1995 TAG: 9511140022
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY ELIZABETH SIMPSON, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 208 lines
WHEN PEOPLE tell Lisa Healy what a great story teller her 5-year-old son is, she doesn't know whether to laugh or apologize.
What story did Andrew come up with this time?
Was it the one about his mother crying hysterically every time he gets on the school bus? ``I'm not going to be able to come to school any more,'' he solemnly told his Chesapeake kindergarten teacher. ``It's too hard on my mom.''
Or the story he told his Sunday school class about his father's being in the hospital. ``Yeah, it's really bad,'' he said. ``They forgot to put his brain back in when they sewed him back up.''
On one hand, the stories are entertaining. On the other hand, they're . . . not true.
``I don't know what to do,'' Healy said. ``I don't want him to be afraid to use his imagination, but I want him to know the difference between the truth and a story.''
Healy handily summed up a classic child-rearing dilemma, and one that most parents will face. Around age 3 or 4, children begin to test the boundaries of reality and fantasy.
But the phenomenon shouldn't send a parent running to a shrink. Neither should it be a stage to ignore. Rather, those tall tales should signal a time for parents to help children learn to be their own person, to help them separate reality from fantasy and to develop a conscience that will keep them out of trouble in the long run.
``Lying is one of the most important developmental steps and it occurs in everyone,'' said Dr. Charles Ford, a psychiatrist at the University of Alabama who has written a book on the nature of lying. ``Only by successfully lying does a child learn their parent can't read their mind. It gives them a sense of separation from the parent.''
Lying takes on several different forms in children. Even children as young as 2 might call a zebra a giraffe, just to see what kind of reaction they'll get from their parent. That's not really lying but a playful exploration of what is real and what isn't.
By age 4 or 5, a child may begin making up stories to get attention, or as a way of wishful thinking. They might say, ``I went to Disney World last week,'' after hearing a friend describe a similar trip.
Children of this age also are developing the concept of right and wrong, so they might lie to get out of trouble. Hence, the familiar refrain: ``I didn't do it.''
Child-development experts say a parent should first try to understand the circumstances of the child's lie. Is the child doing some wishful thinking? Is he trying to get out of trouble? Is he seeking attention by making up a fantastic or funny story?
Then, help the child draw the line between fantasy and reality. When wishful thinking is involved, a parent might say: ``Your friend Jimmy went to Disney World last week. Were you trying to say you would have liked to have gone too?''
When a child is seeking attention, a parent might say: ``That's a funny story. But it's just pretend, right?''
``You need to set the foundations of truth and non-truth,'' said Cosby Rogers, professor of family and child development at Virginia Tech. ``We want them to fantasize, but at the same time, we help them separate reality from fantasy.''
When children lie to get out of trouble, emphasize that lying hurts trust and disappoints the parent and that it can end up getting the child in even more trouble.
Do not punish a child for telling the truth about some misdeed. Instead, try saying, ``I'm not happy with what you did, but I'm glad you told me the truth.''
``If you punish them, they may not tell the truth again,'' Rogers said. ``That doesn't mean you can't make them try to undo the wrong. You can help them make a plan for what to do next. Help them undo the wrong and redeem themselves.''
Barbara Graham, head of the department of early childhood development at Norfolk State University, said parents should listen patiently and even encourage children's fantasies. But they should draw the line when lying becomes deceitful.
``Gradually, children should come to grips that lies are not accepted,'' Graham said. ``They learn this lesson through teachers, parents and others who care about them.''
Parents have come up with their own methods of truth-squadding their children.
When Robbie Schiff's daughter, Stacey, was about 4, she started telling death-defying tales.
The Virginia Beach girl, who's now 15, once told her mother someone had grabbed her and had held her over a cliff. Another time, she said a stranger had broken into the house. Another time she told her mother she had saved someone's life.
``She's always been really dramatic,'' Schiff said. ``So I made an agreement with her that she could continue to tell the stories but she had to start by saying, `This is a story.' ''
Then Schiff would listen to the story and ask questions as though the story were real. ``We'd discuss what the outcome was and what we would do in that situation,'' she said. ``It gave her the attention she wanted. She was using her imagination, but it wasn't lying.''
Schiff said her daughter started telling these tall tales around the time Schiff and her ex-husband were separating. It was a time when the girl needed extra attention.
``I think she thought if she did something big and great, he'd come back,'' Schiff said. ``She got out a lot of anger and frustration by telling these stories. It was her escape. She could be anyone or anybody.''
For 6-year-old Kevin Hoyle Jr., lying served a more immediate purpose: Getting mom and dad off his back.
His father, Kevin Hoyle, said the boy was moving too slowly getting ready for school in the morning. ``He'd be moving like a turtle, taking forever to get dressed, and I'd look in there and he'd be sitting there daydreaming,'' Hoyle said.
Both parents got on Kevin, urging him to move faster.
Finally, Kevin told his father, ``I've been trying to put my clothes on faster, but my legs feel like they're paralyzed.''
The father sat down with his son and said: ``Kevin, I look out the window and see you climbing those trees and riding your bike and chasing after Eddie. If your legs are paralyzed, maybe you won't need your bike any more.''
Kevin's eyes got big and round. ``After that I never had any problem with him getting ready again,'' said Hoyle, who lives in Virginia Beach.
A little diligent questioning also can do the trick. When Della Cherry's 10-year-old grandson, D.J., was called into the school assistant principal's office for throwing a rock at another child, she asked him what had happened. He said he had thrown the rock at a tree, but the wind had caught the rock and carried it straight to the other child's leg.
``Now, D.J., I don't think that's true,'' Cherry said. ``Now tell Nanna what really happened.''
He finally 'fessed up that he had thrown the rock because he was angry.
Experts say the wise parent will call a child on a lie but never call the child a liar.
``It's best to say something like: `It's not like you to say things that aren't true. You are a trustworthy person, and I expect you to be honest,' '' Rogers said. ``That type of statement is more likely to build character.''
Kaye Krebs, a Virginia Beach mother, said advice her father gave her has stood the test of time with her two daughters, who are 17 and 24. ``He used to say, `There's nothing you can do that's worse than lying to me,' '' Krebs recalled.
While the above examples illustrate how normal children act, there are times when a child's lying goes beyond the boundaries of good emotional health.
Ford, the University of Alabama psychiatrist, said that when children are older than 7 or 8 and they lie constantly and for no reason, it might be time to seek professional help.
Chronic lying can be a sign of a lack of self-esteem or signal a need for more parental attention, particularly if a child is making up wild stories that don't serve any purpose like getting out of trouble. In teenagers, chronic lying often can go hand in hand with alcoholism and drug abuse.
The best way to keep a child's lying from escalating is by establishing boundaries, building trust and developing a conscience when children are young.
Besides teaching children about what's right and wrong, parents should set good examples by being truthful themselves.
When a child's lying puts him or her at risk, it's time to draw a firmer line.
For instance, if a youngster says he's spending the night at a neighbor's house but instead is hanging out on the street, it's time to step in with firmer words. ``You might tell them, `If you can't control yourself, and I can't be sure you're safe, you have to stay under my supervision,' '' Rogers said.
A parent might also tell the child that lying could put them in danger. Saying something like ``If I can't believe what you are saying, I can't protect you when you need help, and that makes me afraid,'' not only expresses a parent's concern but points out the need for honesty.
But those who work with children also warn that parents can overreact. A parent who is too quick to discipline might end up with a child who's rebellious.
And as if it weren't complicated enough, parents must also teach children when truth-telling is not appropriate.
``You have to teach them not to say, `Gee, Grandma, why do you have all those wrinkles?' '' Ford said. ``Or if someone asks what they did last night, children have to learn not to say, `Mom dyed her hair.' ''
Then there's the all-important social lie. ``A child needs to learn to say, `My goodness, thank you so much for giving me this teddy bear,' even though he's 10 years old and it's the last thing he wants,'' Ford said.
The parents of Andrew - the teller of tall tales about the hysterical mother and brainless father - are still getting an earful of interesting stories. But they're also seeing signs that he's starting to better sort fantasy from reality.
The other day, the brown-haired boy came home from school and proudly told his father: ``Guess what Dad? I told the truth today!''
It's a start. ILLUSTRATION: WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE
SAM HUNDLEY
The Virginian-Pilot
SOME ADVICE FOR PARENTS
Child-development experts say a parent should first try to
understand the circumstances of the child's lie. Is the child doing
some wishful thinking? Is he trying to get out of trouble? Is he
seeking attention by making up a fantastic or funny story?
Then, help the child draw the line between fantasy and reality.
When wishful thinking is involved, a parent might say: ``Your friend
Jimmy went to Disney World last week. Were you trying to say you
would have liked to have gone too?''
When a child is seeking attention, a parent might say: ``That's a
funny story. But it's just pretend, right?''
When children lie to get out of trouble, emphasize that lying
hurts trust and disappoints the parent and that it can end up
getting the child in even more trouble.
Experts say the wise parent will call a child on a lie but never
call the child a liar.
Do not punish a child for telling the truth about some misdeed.
Instead, try saying, ``I'm not happy with what you did, but I'm glad
you told me the truth.''
Chronic lying can be a sign of a lack of self-esteem or signal a
need for more parental attention.< To keep a child's lying from
escalating is by establishing boundaries, building trust and
developing a conscience when children are young.
by CNB