THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, December 24, 1995 TAG: 9512200041
SECTION: REAL LIFE PAGE: K1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: HE SAID, SHE SAID
SOURCE: KERRY DOUGHERTY & DAVE ADDIS
LENGTH: Medium: 81 lines
WE SAID:
It being Christmas Eve, Dave and Kerry decided to play nice. Maybe they're hoping Santa will forget all those terrible things they wrote through the year and put them back on the list of good little girls and boys.
Shameless, what some people will do to keep from getting a lump of coal in their stocking.
They've been loafing around the office all morning saying pleasant things to each other and feeling rather bad for all the people they've insulted. They're in a warm-and-fuzzy sort of eggnog fog - Dave keeps filling their glasses from a Thermos under his desk, and a couple of minutes ago Kerry tried to get their editor to dance the lambada with her.
All this good cheer should wear off in a week or so - just in time for a New Year's binge of sniping and carping.
Meantime, it's sounding something like this:
KERRY SAYS:
First off, I want to apologize publicly to Ann Landers. I know she's still smarting from those things I said about her a couple of weeks ago. She is not an old windbag. But I stand by the lacquer-head remark. So she poked a little fun at the pope. So I happen to be one of his big fans. So a number of angry readers have told me that the nasty little epithet she spit at him was actually a compliment. That well-known deep thinker Mike Royko says so, so it must be true.
Hogwash. Oops, there I go again. Anyhow, sorry, Ann.
And to those people who thought I was a little uncharitable about alcoholics getting liver transplants: I'm sorry. But that notice is still taped to my organ donor card: No drinkers or smokers (that means you Dave) need apply for my spare parts if I check out suddenly.
And I think all those people waiting for livers when Mickey Mantle rented one for a few weeks ought to get a letter of apology from the organ donor folks.
Lastly, I want to apologize to our significant others, Kay and Steve, without whose little foibles this column would not be possible.
Thanks, guys. Keep up the good work.
The rumors that they are getting ready to run off together are not true. They're not, right?
Pass the 'nog, Dave. My cup runneth under.
DAVE SAYS:
My, my, my, Kerry. Eggnog or no eggnog, I never thought I'd see you eat so much humble pie at one sitting.
And you didn't even get around to apologizing to all those wonderful animal rights activists who were reduced to tears when you were bragging up your mink coat.
In the spirit of the season, I'd better 'fess up, too.
First, I want to apologize for calling you ``little friend'' in one of our columns. I didn't really mean it to sound so condescending. A lot of women went to a lot of effort to remind me of the meaning of that word, condescending, and I never would have guessed how creative they could be in surrounding it with adverbs. Especially ones that start with D, S, and, of course, F.
Second, I want to apologize for jeopardizing our careers with the ``Mr. Varnish'' column. I admit it was the most insensitive, sexist thing I've ever written. You were wise to demand that we kill it. (Readers: For a copy of the unpublished ``Mr. Varnish'' column, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope.)
As for Kay and Steve, well, I don't think they're running off together just yet. Actually, Kay hired Steve to sue me for libel, but when she realized that Steve's bill would bankrupt the both of us, she dropped it.
Among the bowing and scraping I did to get back in her good graces, I agreed to spend part of the holiday with her family. Three generations of them, all women.
Oy. Talk about paying the piper.
Even with all these heartfelt apologies, Kerry, I'm not sure we're going to convince Santa we've been good. We'd better hedge our bets. Tell ya what: I'll fill your stocking if you'll fill mine.
Merry Christmas, little friend. by CNB