THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, December 29, 1995 TAG: 9512290077
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Jennifer Dziura
LENGTH: Medium: 68 lines
IN ``LITTLE HOUSE on the Prairie,'' the two young girls living on the frontier were happy to get some fruit and a couple of tin cups for Christmas.
But, alas, the frontier is gone and so is such simplicity. As the maelstrom of Christmas subsides, those of you with younger siblings in the house may look at the scattered toys under the tree and say something like ``What is that? Oh, gross.''
I say this because the toys that end up under our festive pine trees each winter are getting progressively less decent.
We began with fruit and tin cups, but we moved on to model train sets and Easy-Bake Ovens, and then to Barbie dolls and G.I. Joes. Now, we buy our loved ones the Doctor Dreadful Brain Juice Lab.
After seeing some Christmas toy commercials, I trekked to a local toy palace to investigate the disgusting stuff that toy companies are trying to convince 5- and 6-year-olds that they really, really need to fit in with other 5- and 6-year-olds. Here's what I found:
Baby Sip'n Slurp: Baby Sip'n Slurp looks, like most plastic baby dolls - blond and stoned. Her box bears the legend, ``Squeeze my tummy as you feed me with the spoon, and I'll make slurping sounds!'' In what is apparently a direct quote from Baby Sip'n Slurp herself, the doll offers: ``I Sip, I Slurp, I Wet!''
Eat at Ralph's: Realize here that the name ``Ralph'' was not chosen by accident - it is not only a proper noun, but a verb as well. The idea here is that several people sit around a plastic bust of Ralph. They feed him cardboard tiles that resemble fast food but are flatter. If an unwily player tosses too many doughnuts and tacos into Ralph's gullet, Ralph ``ralphs,'' spewing fast food replicas everywhere. Ralph's box bears the verse ``Ralph is hungry! Give him a snack. But don't over feed him, or you'll get it right back!''
Big John: This game involves a small toilet replica and a bunch of plastic ``Scuzzies.'' The first person to rid himself of his Scuzzies wins. A twist of the toilet handle will sometimes cause Big John to explode, sending Scuzzies everywhere. Oddly enough, Parker Brothers felt the need to trademark both the ``Big John'' and the ``Scuzzies'' names, as if those particular ideas were real winners - something that other companies would want to claim credit for. I can see it now - Scuzzies sportswear, the Big John grocery store chain. . .
Doctor Dreadful Brain Juice Lab: The Brain Juice Lab comes with the promise ``Looks Gross, Tastes Great!'' One might think that pretty much any mixture of glop, including, say, orange juice and school paste mixed with stewed tomatoes, could qualify as Brain Juice. Doctor Dreadful, however, provides the following instructional recipe: ``1) add the `Secret Ingredient,' 2) Watch the `brain juice' flow and 3) Drink up - YUMM!'' In a peculiar touch of oddity, the box also warns of a ``choking hazard.'' Can you imagine what would happen if your child really did choke on Brain Juice? You'd taken him to the emergency room and yell, ``My child is choking on his Brain Juice!'' The doctors would probably give up on the spot. Not even the best of pediatricians can save a child whose trachea is plugged up with juice from his own head.
Any revulsion you may be experiencing as a result of Ralph and his friends should be lessened by the fact that you don't have another Christmas for 51 weeks. When it does roll around, however, have some respect for your loved ones by not providing them with trademarked plastic Scuzzies. Of course, I'm not suggesting that you go with the tin cup idea, either. You could, however, give tin cups filled with Doctor Dreadful's Brain Juice. by CNB