THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Saturday, January 6, 1996 TAG: 9601050023
SECTION: FRONT PAGE: A10 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Opinion
SOURCE: By LISA M. CARR
LENGTH: Medium: 89 lines
I challenge Christopher O'Kennon's article on military life and its effect on the development of children (Commentary, Dec. 10).
The article was disturbingly one-sided, representing only a limited view of military-family life as it relates to children. I acknowledge that there are some situations where counseling is imperative, not only for military families but civilian families as well.
Mr. O'Kennon's use of ``perpetual dysfunction'' and ``military'' in the same paragraph as it relates to children is ludicrous. He fails to mention the stabilizing factor of having at least one consistently loving, supportive parent with the children during difficult times. The service-member represents one side of the family equation, and Mr. O'Kennon suggests that as soon as the service-member deploys or a family relocates, the home will fall apart.
A more objective view would have included the fact that there are resources to make transitioning and military living easier for both parents and children.
Mr. O'Kennon's constant reference to the children of military members as ``military brats'' is both insulting and inappropriate. As a military spouse of eight years and the mother of two, I have a decidedly different view of the military family.
The necessity of moving to and from different commands places an emotional and physical strain on all family members, but the importance of the approach to these moves and to the lifestyle itself was completely overlooked. For example, before a move, the Navy Family Services Center provides workshops called ``Smooth Move'' for adults. These workshops assist in the fundamentals of a move but also give parents tips on making transitions to a new environment easier on children. Other workshops involve parenting, marriage enrichment, financial responsibility and even coping with children with attention-deficit disorder.
From personal experience, the following strategies have worked well during moves:
Make it a habit to start preparing your child several months ahead of a move. Preparation depends on the age of the child. For very young children, the best preparation is an extra amount of encouraging, loving attention, affection and physical contact.
For school-age children, enlist the help of friends and throw a ``Moving Madness Party'' complete with a cake in the shape of your new state/country, foods of the region and a ``Never Forget'' book, with signatures, photos and ``good luck'' quotes from friends and neighbors.
Plant a tree, shrub or flowers every place that you move so that you will always have ``roots'' somewhere. Write to the Chamber of Commerce in the area where you are relocating. With a rudimentary map, draw the move route and put a star on your new home.
Other tips:
Write to a school in the new area and request that your child develop letter campaigns with pen-pals. When you arrive, seek out your child's new friend.
Make the move itself a road trip/adventure, camping along the way, stopping at interesting spots while focusing on your final destination.
Deployments are an especially challenging time for children. Again, the amount of preparation prior to the deployment depends on the age of the child. For a very young child, take pictures of mom/dad and the child and put them in a ``picture holding'' key chain the child can carry around. Videotape the service-member reading books and giving general greetings to the child.
For school-age kids, pack a ``write me/call me'' shoe box for mom/dad with stamps, pens, writing paper, stickers and envelopes and throw in a 10-minute phone card. Hit the library and read up on the countries he/she will be visiting. Talking about the service member on a day-to-day basis is also helpful, especially in reference to something positive the child has accomplished: ``Daddy will love that painting. Why don't we mail it to him now so he can see it?''
There are many military spouses who strive to provide a stable, loving home environment regardless of the challenging factors that the military lifestyle embodies. Military families can and do develop lasting relationships, contrary to Mr. O'Kennon's belief that we ``move from one superficial relationship to another.'' I have been fortunate enough to have developed deep friendships during each of our tours, keeping in close contact with these same friends.
Whether or not the ``military'' is a place for families and children is a moot point in an area so highly concentrated with service members. The reality is that we exist - and will always exist. A more appropriate question may be, Why are military families and active-duty service members being cast in such a negative light so frequently now? And further, What can the community do to show support for the sacrifices made by them and the economic contribution that the military machine makes to Hampton Roads? MEMO: Ms. Carr lives in Virginia Beach. by CNB