THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, January 30, 1996 TAG: 9601300034
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SERIES: KIDS & CONFLICT
First of an occasional series on children and fighting.
SOURCE: BY DENISE WATSON, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 161 lines
Three years ago, Rita McKay gave birth to an 8-pound boy, Kevin. After counting his little fingers and toes, she kissed him and made him a promise she had hoped to keep.
``I grew up rough,'' said McKay, of Norfolk. ``I grew up with three brothers who liked to fight all the time - boys were supposed to be rough and tough and were supposed to fight. I promised my son I wouldn't raise him like that. He wouldn't know what fighting was, if I could help it.''
She broke the promise last summer when she took her son to a another child's birthday party.
``Another kid just walked up and hit him hard on the head, and my son began to cry,'' McKay said.
``I told him to hit him back. It bothered me to say that, but I wasn't sure what to do. In trying to do the `right thing' I felt that I had let him down, I hadn't prepared him to defend himself or feel confident in trying to do so.''
What should parents do when kids throw blows? Some parents live by a ``no-fists'' policy, while others teach their kids to fight back in self-defense.
The issue of kids and fighting is a difficult one. Where's the line between assertiveness and aggression? How do you prepare children to stand up for themselves without dominating others? Do boys and girls receive differing messages when it comes to being aggressive?
The Virginian-Pilot will run an occasional series on kids and fighting and how parents can help their children manage conflict.
Our first look at the issue is with preschoolers, children at the critical age when how-tos and how-nots are learned.
``We know that children who are more aggressive, more antisocial in their behaviors. . . are more likely to have problems throughout their lives and in their relationships,'' said Craig Hart, associate professor of family sciences at Brigham Young University and co-author of ``Children on Playgrounds: Research Perspectives and Applications.''
``Parents need to minimize those situations of conflict.''
Why kids fight
Some aggression is normal. Many times, for example, small children lash out because they can't express their wants and needs in words.
``Children often react when their needs are not being met,'' said Susan Pollack, director of Children's Harbor/Ghent day-care center in Norfolk and adjunct professor at Tidewater Community College, teaching behavior management.
``They're hungry, they're tired. They can't say, `You're in my space, leave me alone,' so they bite. You can begin then telling kids not to bite, but this is normal, appropriate misbehavior.''
Linda Dunlap, chair of the psychology department at Marist College in New York, said parents should recognize fighting as a sign of immaturity.
``When kids are constantly fighting, they're saying, `We're too little to handle this by ourselves. Our personalities don't interface,' '' Dunlap said.
``We expect an awful lot from kids. We expect children to supervise their own play and supervise it successfully. . . Parents need to step in and help. That's their job.''
By age 4, most children speak in sentences but haven't completely mastered communication. It's still easy for preschoolers to resort to hitting and pushing to get their way.
``Between the ages of 2 and 6, children become very egocentric. Egocentricism, literally, is the inability to take someone else's perspective,'' Dunlap said.
``So kids take toys when they want them. If they're hungry, kids will take what they want and not think about how the other person feels. Parents can help them find better ways of handling situations, but remember kids are only seeing things from their perspective.''
While some aggression is normal for young children, however, the urge to fight can be intensified by what they see at home.
``I've found that parents who use a lot of heavy-handed parenting - power assertion, yelling, screaming, spanking - have kids who tend to be more aggressive on the playground,'' Hart said.
``They're seeing that parents are getting their way by being aggressive and hostile.''
What parents can do
According to the experts:
Parents need to set behavioral guidelines for kids: No hitting. Call teachers and parents when you feel threatened. It's OK to scream ``NO!'' and ``Leave me alone!''
``A good rule is `Use words, not hands,' and to teach a child to say `No.' But when a child says `No,' you can't turn around and say `That isn't nice,''' Dunlap said.
``I have the tendency to tell my kids not to say `No' to adults, but (children) have the right to say `No.' It might be embarrassing, and you might have to explain to the adult what you're trying to teach your child, but it's a child's way of standing up for themselves.
``We undermine children when we tell them they can't say that.''
Parents need to emulate appropriate behavior, letting their kids see them mediate and work through problems with other adults.
Parents can help their children by talking directly to the other kids' parents.
``You can approach another parent and say, `I don't allow my son to hit, and I can't allow others to do that to my child' - short of telling parents how their children should behave,'' Dunlap said.
``Ask the other parent how they want you to handle the situation if you're in charge: `When my child hits, I sit him in a corner for a couple of minutes. Do you want me to do the same for your child or send him home?'
``You have to stand up for your child or you're sending a bad message.''
Parents should enroll their children in an early-childhood program or play group so that they can learn to share and deal with peers.
Parents need to keep the rules the same for boys as for girls.
``We really do need to stop telling our boys to stop crying and tell our girls to be little girls,'' Dunlap said.
Girls, Dunlap noted, can be just as aggressive as boys.
``We need to tell them to say, `No,' and that it's all right to stand up for themselves too.''
Parents should watch television with their children and explain why and how people react to conflict - ``Oh, he looks pretty mad. What other things can he do if he's mad instead of hitting?'' Pollack said.
Pollack suggests talking openly about why some people feel the need for guns and weapons.
``You might not buy your kids toy guns but you can't take away their fingers,'' Pollack said. ``Be honest and tell them that some people have guns to defend themselves because someone might break into their home. We might not have them, but others do.''
Parents can also use television to help children learn a difference between ``play'' fighting and the real stuff.
``Explain that they are playing on television and we can wrestle sometimes too,'' Pollack said. ``But we're wrestling to have fun, to tickle and giggle. Not to hurt each other.''
Pollack noted that the rules sound quick and easy but often aren't. What seems logical might not be practical for many kids.
``We deal with an inner-city, urban population,'' Pollack said, referring to the center located on the corner of Llewellyn Avenue and 20th Street in Norfolk.
``Some of these kids can't go back to their neighborhoods and say, `I don't like it when you hit me.' That can get them killed.''
Those children must learn dual rules - what is allowed at home and what is allowed at school.
``Children say, `My mommy tells me not to let anyone hit me,' and we have to respect that. We can't deny children the right to defend themselves.'' ILLUSTRATION: JOHN EARLE
The Virginian-Pilot
Tips for parents
Set behavioral guidelines for kids: No hitting. Call teachers and
parents when you feel threatened. It's OK to scream ``NO!'' and
``Leave me alone!''
Emulate appropriate behavior, letting your kids see you mediate
and work through problems with other adults.
Help your children by talking directly to the other kids'
parents. Explain, `I don't allow my son to hit, and I can't allow
others to do that to my child.'
Enroll your children in an early-childhood program or play group
so that they can learn to share and deal with peers.
Keep the rules the same for boys as for girls.
Watch television with your children and explain why and how
people react to conflict. Talk openly about why some people feel the
need for guns and weapons.
by CNB