THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, March 17, 1996 TAG: 9603130039
SECTION: REAL LIFE PAGE: K1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: He Said, She Said
SOURCE: Kerry Dougherty & Dave Addis
LENGTH: Medium: 85 lines
KERRY SAYS:
Well, Dave, the good news - or bad news, depending on your point of view - is that it looks like you're going to have me to kick around a little longer.
I guess you read the most recent studies showing that women who drink rivers of coffee live longer than our milk-sipping sisters. We're even less inclined to consider suicide.
I, for one, was thrilled with the news. In fact, I was gulping my first cup of steaming, black, hazelnut-scented java at the time I was reading it.
Coffee is one little thing Steve and I disagree on. He takes the morally superior attitude that caffeine consumption is a type of drug dependence and should be avoided at all costs. Of course, he nods off as soon as the clock strikes 10.
I, on the other hand, am totally wired. And I admit I can't find the pockets on my pants unless I've had a cup of coffee. What can I say? It keeps me peppy. It also allows me to be writing this doggone column at 2 a.m., long after my husband - and you, I suspect - are sound asleep. In fact, as the night wears on I get more and more productive.
At the risk of sounding like someone who does nothing but gulp coffee and read studies, I have to refer to another gender-based report that came out a week or so ago. Scientists found that women who juggle work and family give up one thing men don't: sleep.
It's true, trust me. This study said successful working women with children frequently get by on just a few hours' sleep each night. Their male counterparts, however, are enjoying a full eight hours.
What I found funny was that the eggheads who conducted the study were dumbfounded by the results. Of course, chances are they were all men and never noticed how late their wives get to bed.
I wanted to scream: ``Naturally male executives get plenty of sleep. THEY HAVE WIVES!'' If I had a wife I'd be hitting the sack by 11 every night and getting up about 7. Breakfast would, of course, be on the table.
Alas, I don't have a wife. I have a husband. A perfectly charming man most of the time, but one who doesn't drink coffee. So I'm churning out columns while he sleeps. And I'm up almost an hour earlier than he is most mornings, staring thirstily as the Mr. Coffee drips out my drug of choice.
All I can say is, thank goodness for coffee. It's a woman's best friend.
DAVE SAYS:
Uh, Kerry, maybe you should use that next cup of coffee to wash down a Prozac or two. When your nerves have steadied, maybe your memory will return.
Then you'll recall that a couple of years ago coffee was touted as a cure for cancer. Not when taken from the cup, mind you, but when it was - how can we say this politely? - administered other than orally.
Then a study said coffee might cause cancer. Then another study said it didn't. Now a study says a pot of coffee on the stove might keep a woman from sticking her head in the oven.
It won't be long before some scientist says coffee is, simultaneously, an aphrodisiac, a hair-restorer and a terrific sealant for asphalt shingles. (Watch Steve run for the java when that study comes out!)
I wish newspapers would quit publishing these theories. Stressed-out people like you tend to read the headlines and skip all the boring details. Way down toward the bottom of that story was a long list ``maybes'' and ``possiblys.'' Even the scientists admitted it would take a lot more coffee before they have enough grounds (pardon me) for any conclusions.
And isn't it curious, Kerry, that you saw no connection between your love of coffee and your lack of sleep? Instead, you cited yet another male-basher study.
The fact is, studies of American sleep patterns show that nobody's getting enough of it. Just about anybody with a job is working too long during the day and worrying too long into the night about whether they'll still have that job the next morning.
And some of them, like you, make matters worse by sucking coffee grounds through their teeth until midnight, then wonder why they're running a hundred-yard dash in their dreams night after night, always finishing a split second behind two guys named Chase and Sanborn.
Take it from a friend, Kerry. Quit drinking that stuff so late at night. Settle for a nice bowl of warm oatmeal. We'll all sleep a little better if you do. MEMO: Kerry Dougherty can be reached at 446-2306, and via e-mail at
kerryd(at)infi.net. Dave Addis can be reached at 446-2588, and
addis(at)infi.net. by CNB