THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, April 23, 1996 TAG: 9604230029
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY DIANE TENNANT, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 105 lines
DR. MARY PIPHER is living proof that girls do outgrow their teenage years.
At 48, she's old enough to have been a therapist for 20 years, to have raised an adult daughter and to have treated lots of anoxeric, rebellious, bulimic, depressed, sexually active teenage girls.
In fact, Mary Pipher is old enough to know better.
And evidently she does, for her book about raising teenage daughters is a best seller, and her new release, about strengthening families, seems destined to join it.
For millions of readers, Pipher does know better than they do how to bring up mentally healthy daughters in what she calls a ``girl-poisoning culture.''
Pipher will bring her viewpoint to Chrysler Hall on Thursday to discuss ``Reviving Ophelia - Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls.'' Seats are still available.
But she will not bring advice.
``I hope they don't expect all the answers,'' she said from her home in Lincoln, Neb. ``I tell people it's not a how-to book. It is, hopefully, a how-to-think book. I think people are sort of tired of glib self-help advice or statements like: `All you have to do is really love children.' ''
``Reviving Ophelia'' is a series of case studies from Pipher's private practice. The title refers to the doomed heroine of ``Hamlet'' who drowned herself because she felt she could please neither her father nor her boyfriend.
Pipher's new book, released this month, is ``The Shelter of Each Other.'' It expands on the theme of ``Ophelia'' but focuses on helping families survive in a violent, TV-saturated, overworked, two-income, virtual-reality world.
From counseling clients, Pipher drew the conclusion in her first book that American culture forces girls into unrealistic expectations of themselves. Culture tells them they must be thin, they must be beautiful, they must be male-pleasing and subservient, they must never, ever have acne or inexpensive clothes or be plump or self-conscious. Even the best of families have trouble competing against the message of music video and Madison Avenue, she says.
What a relief for parents who have been blaming themselves.
``A lot of times the family looked really pretty functional to me,'' Pipher said. ``I didn't see most of the mothers as controlling or distant. I saw good mothers. I didn't see the girls as disturbed in the traditional sense. I saw them having post-traumatic stress reaction to junior high.''
Pipher says her book gives both parents and daughters something to think about and a way to begin talking.
Adolescence is a tough time, Pipher says, when girls think they are old enough to be mature and independent, and mothers know their children are not ready for a cruel world.
``I think that the essential thing with girls this age is they're saying to their mothers, `I really want you to respect me as a mature adult' and mothers are saying, `You're not an adult yet, you still need my help.' One thing mothers can do is really emphasize with their daughters what it is they do respect.''
Until parents realize that it is American culture causing many of the problems, Pipher says, they will blame themselves for unhappy teenagers.
Pipher's studies led her to a surprising conclusion: Teens from families who set strict guidelines and limits turn out better than those from permissive families.
``That was a conclusion I wasn't nuts to reach, frankly,'' she said. ``What I had to decide, kind of against my will, was that girls were doing better in families where there were very firm limits and strict guidelines. Teenagers are very comforted by rules and limits. It cuts down on their choices when they are overwhelmed by choices.
``Parents can be so harsh that children rebel. But I think for parents like me and for psychologists, who tend to emphasize the importance of negotiating, it's a little disconcerting to realize that parents who say `No, you can't, these are the rules,' have children who are happier at certain ages.''
Pipher will meet with teenagers prior to her evening talk, and she plans to tell them stories about girls who are helping others.
``I try to leave them feeling hopeful and motivated to get to work to make things better as opposed to despairing, `Oh, the world is a horrible place, there's nothing I can do,' '' Pipher said.
After every Pipher talk, there are testimonials: families who stand up and tell how ``Reviving Ophelia'' helped them begin talking again, helped them understand and cope. Mothers tell her they have been able to talk heart-to-heart with their daughters after reading it.
For all those who still look at their daughters and worry, Pipher has heartening words. Some schools are starting to teach children how to resist media messages, some communities are starting programs that involve girls in worthwhile activities, and more girls are showing healthy attitudes toward their bodies.
``I really think the worst is over and, 10 years from now, girls are going to be coming of age in a much more girl-friendly world,'' Pipher said. ``And I think the really good thing about early adolescence is that most people outgrow it.'' MEMO: LECTURE
Who: Dr. Mary Pipher, author of ``Reviving Ophelia'' and ``The
Shelter of Each Other''
When: 7:30 p.m. Thursday
Where: Chrysler Hall, Norfolk
Tickets: $10.25 each; patron tickets are $25 each and include a
reception after the lecture. Tickets may be purchased at the Chrysler
Hall/Scope box office (664-6464) or Ticketmaster (671-8100). Sponsored
by the Junior League of Norfolk and Virginia Beach and by local members
of the Virginia Association of Independent Schools. ILLUSTRATION: Color photo by Gail Folda, Lincoln Journat-Star
Dr. Mary Pipher...
by CNB