THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, May 5, 1996 TAG: 9605010025
SECTION: REAL LIFE PAGE: K1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: HE SAID, SHE SAID
SOURCE: KERRY DOUGHERTY & DAVE ADDIS
LENGTH: Medium: 88 lines
DAVE SAYS:
Well, Kerry, here's the funniest thing to come out of a courtroom since Marcia Clark tried to get Kato Kaelin to describe his rental agreements:
CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (AP) - A woman with multiple personality disorder was awarded $350,000 plus interest in a lawsuit against a man who started out as her therapist and later became her husband.
Susanna Van de Castle has 11 personalities. At least two of them testified during the eight-day trial.
Now what chance do you suppose Mr. Van de Castle had when sued by 11 wives at the same time? And how do you suppose they decided which of the two would testify?
What a delight for a lawyer: ``Well, let's see. I'll put a savage Mrs. Van de Castle on the stand first, to rip this guy to shreds. Then I'll follow that with a fragile, vulnerable Mrs. Van de Castle to win the jury's sympathy through a shower of tears.
``Then I'll bill all 11 of them about $180 an hour. ''
Back when my own ship of connubial bliss was headed for the reef, rather than face just one wife in court, I settled up. She had at least four personalities but I never considered that unusual. And I'm on pretty friendly terms with two or three of them to this day. Some of my buddies said I was really lucky. A couple of them were dealing with a lot more.
Give us all a hand, here, Kerry. Explain to us just how a hapless male is supposed to sort out the crowd of people who inhabit the sole human form we're emotionally attached to.
Could y'all maybe wear one of those stick-on name tags, like the ones they hand out at class reunions and TQM seminars?
It could say, ``Hello, My Name Is Felicia Today. Compliment my hairdo and I'll cook your favorite dinner.''
Or, ``Hello, My Name Is Delilah Today. I will take anything you say as an insult, and if you even try to reason with me I will emasculate you with a rusty butter knife.''
Maybe there's some other solution, Kerry. If you can think of one, Mr. Van de Castle and I will thank you. Each and every one of you.
KERRY SAYS:
Hello, I'm Elvira, the sarcastic columnist today. Some readers think I need therapy. And some readers think a rusty butter knife might improve your writing, Dave. Maybe bring it up an octave.
No kidding, pal, one of your cowardly buddies left a message on my voice mail this week suggesting I seek professional help for my mental problems. No name or number from this guy.
One of those uncomplicated, one-dimensional men, no doubt.
I hope his significant other wakes up in the personality of your Delilah today.
But I digress.
Dave, I think the multiple personality syndrome afflicts men as often as it does women.
Most women I know are married to several men. There's Robot Roy, the guy with roving remote control. There's Belchin' Bob, with a beer bottle where his right hand used to be. There's Ray Charles, who can't see things like burned-out lightbulbs, unmade beds or knee-deep grass. Then there's Cary Grant, the guy with terrific manners when he's out in public, or with older relatives who might leave him money.
I think I've collaborated with several of your own alter egos during the past year. There's Dead Serious Dave, who finds this entire column beneath his reportorial dignity. There's Minoxydyl Dave, whose hairline is migrating north and south at the same time.
Then there's Delta Dave, who flies off on vacation a couple of times a year, and when he gets back he becomes the Dave of Doom because he finds out they've demoted him yet again.
Which only proves that you've been around the block a few times, so I can't understand why you're so baffled by the multiple facets of the female personality.
One of the advantages of growing into middle age is adding dimensions to ourselves. Sure, when I was 20 I was a lot leaner in places, had no gray and could run six miles without breaking a sweat.
I was just about as fascinating as your average 20-year-old, which, translated, means I was a crashing, self-indulgent bore.
Yes, I have multiple personalities. And I'm planning to welcome one more to the fold. I'll call her 24-Carat Kerry.
This Kerry will feel no guilt about spending money on a manicure or new clothes for herself. She'll know she's entitled to quiet time. Sometimes she'll just sit and read and leave the dishes for someone else.
Maybe Ray Charles will trip over them. by CNB