THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, August 5, 1996 TAG: 9608030057
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: 76 lines
BAD LUCK for Dr. Judy Kuriansky, because her book, ``The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating,'' has been dropped on my desk, interrupting my desktop nap.
Dr. Judy dispenses romantic tips on her nationally syndicated call-in radio show, ``LovePhones.''
On the jacket of her book, published by Alpha Books, she boasts that there are some sure-fire icebreakers and great opening lines inside.
Well, sure I'm in a grumpy mood, but the lady - she has a Ph.D., remember? - begins her section on ``Charming Romantic Openers'' with the following sentence: ``Being charming and romantic is an alluring, attractive quality.''
Get a grip, lady. Charming and romantic are two qualities even for the complete idiot.
But let us move on to some of those charming romantic openers Dr. Judy has promised us.
Well, here is the first one:
``I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the glass''
Now, Dr. Judy is a New Yorker who attended Smith College. I have known a few Smith College graduates in my time. Even dated one. Once. They are a brainy bunch. I offer the ``once'' as evidence. None hailed from the fool's paradise where Dr. Judy has hung out her shingle.
But believe me, she was right about the sure-fire icebreaker part. Try that line on a toothsome and turtlenecked Smith College graduate reading Toynbee in a dim corner of a tavern and she'll empty the cubes from her glass on your head.
(Which isn't to say that Smith College women don't have a sense of humor. One of the funniest things I've seen in Norfolk was a young married fellow pushing a baby in a carriage, followed by his young and attractive wife. He wore shorts, and a T-shirt honoring his spouse's institution of higher learning. It read: ``Smith College: A History of Women in Challenging Positions!'')
To be fair there is a lot of useful information for daters in Dr. Judy's book, but she has freaked with her ``Charming Romantic Openers.'' The good doctor is only trying to help, of course. She says it's always a good idea to start off flattering someone you covet.
So, here is another opening line she recommends: ``Your father must have been a thief - he stole the stars from your sky and put them in your eyes.''
Arrrghhh!. Hand me a towel. . . I just threw up.
Can you imagine wanting to date someone who would enjoy hearing such treacly claptrap? The good doctor is making sitting ducks of her complete idiots. Can't you imagine the shattering comeback that would inevitably follow?
How about: ``And your old man must have made grits, Bubba. Or were you born with that mush in your mouth?''
Or: ``And you are going to see stars between your eyes, Buster, if you don't get outta here.''
The romantic openers only get worse. Here's another one of her sure-fire ice-breakers:
``If I could rework the alphabet, I'd put `i' next to `u.' '' Trust me, all you complete idiots out there, better to string a sign around you neck that says ``Kick Me'' than to utter such nonsense. There are women and men who have waited all their lives for a chance to reply to that.
And here it comes: ``That's funny, if I could rework the alphabet, I'd put `u' next to `zzzz.' ''
Frankly, I'd advise u to hire your head out as a punching bag before I'd deliver any of those romantic openers to a prospective date. And I don't think Dr. Judy has crash-tested them.
I don't think she ever delivered one of those lines - either by sliding onto a bar stool or approaching Mr. Goodlooks at a cocktail party - and established a lasting relationship.
And especially not the one where she advises complete fools to ``Check his jacket label. When he says `What are you doing?' answer, `Checking to see if you were made in heaven.' '' Arrrwwwk.
Me, I'd like to see Dr. Judy's driver's license. That's because I don't know where in the hell she's coming from. But I know where those romantic openers will take us . . . nowhere. ILLUSTRATION: [Book Jacket] by CNB