THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, September 1, 1996 TAG: 9608300695
SECTION: COMMENTARY PAGE: J3 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: GEORGE TUCKER
LENGTH: 65 lines
Three former United States senators from Virginia are still remembered for the humorous impressions, intentional or unintentional, they left on the political sands of Time.
The earliest was John Randolph of Roanoke (1773-1833), a highborn direct descendant of John Rolfe and Pocahontas, whose creed was: ``I am an aristocrat! I love liberty! I hate equality!'' The most notorious American political curmudgeon of his time, Randolph had a forked tongue that was closely akin to the biblical ``serpent's tooth.''
A tall, cadaverous figure and the most feared American orator of his era, Randolph habitually strode into the Senate chamber booted and spurred, brandishing a riding crop with his favorite dogs snarling at his heels. When anyone he disapproved of got his dander up, he didn't hesitate to spit venom.
Randolph's diabolically pointed remarks still smell of sulphur and brimstone even though he has been dead over a century and a half. For instance, in commenting on the professional preferment of Richard Rush, a political foe, Randolph quipped, ``Never was ability so much below mediocrity so well rewarded: no, not even when Caligula's horse was made a consul.'' In estimating the character of Edward Livingston, another adversary, Randolph sneered, ``He is a man of splendid abilities, but utterly corrupt. He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight.''
But Randolph's most memorable bon mot was uttered when he encountered Henry Clay, another political enemy, on a narrow Washington sidewalk. Blocking the way, Clay thundered, ``I never make way for a dog!''
``I always do,'' Randolph flashed back, quitting the sidewalk for the gutter. ``Pass on!''
Then there was Claude Augustus Swanson (1862-1939), who not only represented Virginia in the U.S. Senate for a time, but also served as the governor of the Commonwealth as well as U.S. Secretary of the Navy during his long career. Swanson is remembered for two aphorisms. First - his advice to political candidates still rings true: ``Never wait till the train leaves the station before climbing aboard.'' Second - his best witticism puts the doctrine of political expediency in a nutshell: ``When the water reaches the upper deck,'' he advised, ``follow the rats.''
But the most memorable yarn about Swanson, who was not an inspired orator, is this gem. One evening after he had made a particularly long speech, an old lady came forward to have a word with him.
``How did you like my speech?'' Swanson beamed.
``I liked it fine,'' she replied, ``but it seems to me you missed several excellent opportunities.''
``Several excellent opportunities for what?'' Swanson queried.
``To quit!'' the old lady snapped.
The last man on my list is Carter Glass, who served as a U.S. Senator from Virginia from 1920 until his death in 1946. When he first began to make himself heard in Senate caucuses, Glass talked rather ponderously. On one occasion, however, the subject under discussion seemed to heat him up, and he became not only emphatic, but pugnacious. Delighted at the senator's change of attitude, one of his partisans houted, ``Give'em hell, Carter!''
``Hell!'' Glass roared, ``Why use dynamite when insect powder will do!''
Glass also deserves to be remembered for one other pertinent remark that proves he could have matched wits with caustic old John Randolph of Roanoke. Once when deploring the loquacity of a colleague, he quipped, ``When he gets started, his tongue is like a race horse; it runs faster the less weight it carries!'' ILLUSTRATION: Picture
JOHN RANDOLPH OF ROANOKE HAD A WAY WITH WORDS by CNB