THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, October 7, 1996 TAG: 9610050038
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY PAT DOOLEY, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: 142 lines
SAY THE WORD ``midlife'' and most Americans are likely to conjure images of red sports cars, extramarital affairs, face-lifts and depression.
But midlife was just the kick that Kathleen Brehony needed to carry out a childhood dream.
At 47, the Virginia Beach psychologist has written a book, ``Awakening at Midlife: Realizing Your Potential for Growth and Change.''
It recently was published by Riverhead Books, a division of Putnam, and is based on Brehony's own midlife transition, as well as the experiences of several of her patients.
Midlife is a time of psychological and spiritual change - a necessary developmental stage, much like the terrible twos of childhood, Brehony says. ``Everybody goes through a searching,'' she says.
Although it can arise anytime - in someone in their 20s who's lost a loved one to death, for example - the inner rumblings often begin in our late 30s and early 40s.
``Questions of personal identity often arise,'' Brehony writes. ``Values and goals that have never been questioned are now subject to internal debate. Spiritual questions, often long ignored, rise to the surface of consciousness.
``At midlife we begin, perhaps for the first time, to contemplate death.''
But ``Awakening'' is not a quick fix for the baby boomers born between 1946 and 1964, says Brehony, whose book draws extensively on the work of early 20th century psychologist Carl Jung.
Rather, it offers insights for the journey into the second half of life - for looking within and emerging wiser, happier and more true to ourselves and to the world around us, she says.
Each of us has a book - or a personal equivalent - waiting to be realized.
But first we must admit we're on midlife's doorstep, Brehony said while sipping tea one recent afternoon, looking confident but casual in a black knit pullover and slacks.
The generation that once vowed never to trust anyone over 30 is, understandably perhaps, skittish about facing the wrinkles in the mirror, and that vague, inner sense of discontent, she says.
Like the lonely kid who dips into the cookie jar for comfort, we may reach for the Band-Aid - buy the sports car or have the affair - instead of listening to the clatter within.
Yet, for most of us, the age-old questions - Why are we here? Where did we come from? Is that all there is? - will demand answers, Brehony says.
Many of us buried those ponderings - and our dreams - as part of the natural process of growing up, fitting in and becoming responsible adults, she says.
Perhaps we wanted to play the guitar. Dance on stage. Be a professional baseball player.
At midlife, we realize we may never live that out, Brehony says. There is pain.
And while she doesn't advocate chucking reality for life in Tahiti, Brehony says that understanding what we really want can lead to joyful compromise, and growth.
``We need quiet time to listen to ourselves . . . to start looking at what our dreams are, what our passions are, and begin to integrate them in a conscious way,'' she says.
That may take time and sacrifice but ultimately is rewarding, Brehony says.
She knows from where she speaks.
Since she was 12, Brehony longed to write a book.
Growing up in suburban Northern Virginia, she devoured Nancy Drew mysteries and other children's favorites.
She was raised Irish-Catholic in a loving home, the daughter of a marketing director and a homemaker.
Outgoing and achievement-oriented, she later earned an undergraduate degree in sociology from Catholic University and a doctorate in clinical psychology from Virginia Tech.
She chose psychology as her life's work, she says, to help others.
Her mother had been an agoraphobic - afraid to leave home alone. And Brehony, who overcame her own brief struggle with the condition in graduate school, has devoted much of her 12 years in private practice to counseling people with anxiety and panic disorders.
Along the way, she published papers in professional journals and chapters in textbooks, but she ignored the inner voice that urged her to write a book of her own.
``I think I didn't write,'' she says, ``because I was afraid to write.''
But about seven years ago, midlife knocked on the door of Brehony's comfortable upper-middle-class life.
She was a marketing director for a small company on the Outer Banks and had just bought a home.
The turmoil started when she left a 10-year relationship for love with someone new. Within the same week, the unexpected loss of her job added financial pressure and self-doubt to the guilt she already was feeling.
``Everybody said, `When you find another job, you'll be fine,' she said, pouring hot tea from a porcelain pitcher. ``I knew it was something that went beyond that.''
For a while, Brehony tuned out the world. Spiritually bankrupt, she felt alone. She began asking the questions about life she'd put aside as a teen-ager. She searched for reading material but found few references describing her pain.
Over the next six years, she studied the works of history's great teachers, talked with friends and other therapists, meditated, kept a journal and even examined her nocturnal dreams for answers from within.
She emerged stronger, happier, more focused, she says. If ever she was going to write a book, the time had arrived.
``Something from inside was so powerful that it just said, `If you're going to be a writer, you'd better do it now,' '' she says.
She learned three word-processing programs, read about writing, enrolled in an Old Dominion University course on getting published and found an agent.
After writing two chapters, she landed a contract.
Still, there was fear.
She'd plan time to write - then do the laundry, walk the dog, clean the house.
Finally, Brehony got tough with herself, setting aside two days a week for her book. She'd get up in the morning, meditate, shower, then dress as though she were going to the office.
``Once I got going, everything changed,'' she says. ``It was like untapping something. And . . . it was never that hard again.''
The book took her a year to write, including revisions.
``I don't think I could have written it in a year if I hadn't lived it for six,'' she says.
In September, she received an early copy in the mail and read it cover to cover.
Reviews so far have been good, she says. But more importantly, she hopes her readers - men and women alike - will see their own potential within its pages.
``People who have gone through this report that everything's different,'' she says. ``People will say colors are different, food tastes different. A lot of people go through life sleepwalking.''
Brehony is under contract with Putnam for a second book, about ordinary people who perform extraordinary tasks.
Living her dream, she says, has made her feel ``electrical.''
``I'm happier, more alive. I feel like I've grown enormously,'' she says. ILLUSTRATION: [Color Photo]
MIKE HEFFNER
The Virginian-Pilot
Virginia Beach psychologist Kathleen Brehony realized a lifelong
dream by writing about midlife growth and change.
BOOK SIGNINGS
Kathleen Brehony will sign copies of her book, ``Awakening at
Midlife: Realizing Your Potential for Growth and Change,''
(Riverhead, 1996) at the following locations:
J.M. Prince Books, Norfolk, from 12:30 to 2 p.m. Oct. 18;
Waldenbooks, Coliseum Mall in Hampton, from 1 to 3 p.m. Oct. 19;
Barnes and Noble, Virginia Beach, from 2 to 3 p.m. Nov. 2.
Waldenbooks, Lynnhaven Mall in Virginia Beach, from 1 to 3 p.m.
Dec. 7.
KEYWORDS: MIDLIFE CRISIS INTERVIEW AUTHOR by CNB