THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, October 14, 1996 TAG: 9610120060
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: 81 lines
MEET STEVE JONES, a man with rocks in his head who also wants us to put them in our mouths.
A proponent of rock rather than vegetable gardens, the Ocean View minister is the president of M.E.A.L.S. (Mankind Eschewing All Living Sustenance). His organization is opposed to the consumption of plants as human food.
When I found the Norfolkian, he was fretting about an article in The Virginian-Pilot written in celebration of World Farm Animals Day by Betty J. Atkinson of Virginia Beach. Atkinson urged readers to observe the day (Oct. 2) by refraining from eating farm animals. Instead, she urged us to sit down ``to a feast from the plant kingdom.''
Jones was obviously upset by that article.
``How can one so sensitive to the yearly slaughter of nine billion breathing, feeling animals remain insensitive to the wanton destruction of ninety billion non-sentient life forms for the purpose of human consumption?'' he asked.
He found the suggestion unethically revolting, he said. An example, he claimed, of ``selective compassion.''
``This is herbicide!'' he warned.
Jones urged readers of this column to share his conviction that ``flora-flesh'' is not appropriate human food. And to support such M.E.A.L.S. projects as its boycott of the movie ``Fried Green Tomatoes.''
``Who among us has not had a potted plant pal, hung out with a vine or sung to our favorite flower?'' he wondered. ``They respond to our voices, move toward the light and never ask more of us than some TLC. So how do we reward these loyal and beautiful life forms? We eat them!''
Jones argues that it is foolish to link human survival to the consumption of plants when humankind can receive all recommended daily requirements of vitamins and nutrients from the non-living ``mineral kingdom.''
Lapidarianism removes the hidden violence from the lives of carnivores and vegetarians, he argues.
What, I wondered, was his typical meal?
``Pretty much what you would expect,'' he replied. For breakfast I prefer to eat light: a bowl of common pebbles in 2 percent milk and toasted shale with butter.
``For lunch I might grab a beryl-burger (no pickles, of course) and a side order of agate chips.
``At supper time we like to eat hearty. Last night, the wife started me off on fresh green jade with a rose quartz garnish. Jet-black obsidian balls are a nice complement to jade as well and much more humane than olives. This appetizer was followed by grilled granite squares, twice-mashed marble with a rich onyx gravy, and key-limestone pie for dessert. Now that's real Southern cooking!''
What does a lapidarian's pantry look like?
``I guess the operative word for the pantry is reinforcement. We replace that quarter-inch shelving (for which a once-living photo-synthesizing tree gave its sacred life) with some good, sturdy, three-quarter-inch sheet rock. That set-up will hold up to four hundred pounds of rock staples.''
Does this mean you don't need a refrigerator?
``Of course not, Larry. While it's true that terra-food will not spoil and therefore does not need refrigeration, several dishes are best served stone cold. Uh, tiger eye and garnet come to mind. You just haven't lived until you've taken a frozen geode out of the freezer and popped it into your mouth. Then you crack that baby open and savor the delicate, sparkling center. Now, you're talking jaw-breaker, kids!''
Are you saying that instead of rolling shopping carts at supermarkets you want us to push wheelbarrows at rock quarries?
``No. Have the carnies and veggies been getting to you with their scare tactics, Larry? As I've already mentioned, your reinforced pantry will hold hundreds of pounds of good, robust fare for the whole family. One need only shop once every fifteen to twenty years for an average family of four. Most of these people will simply have these rock items trucked to their house - much like a load of sod or gravel.''
Guess the reverend's right. A mine is a terrible thing to waste.
(Rev. Jones is the minister at Colonial Heights Church of Christ in Norfolk, which, oddly enough, is not a rock church.) ILLUSTRATION: [Color Photo]
MOTOYA NAKAMURA
The Virginian-Pilot
Steve Jones says we should choose foods from the non-living "mineral
kingdom." by CNB