DATE: Tuesday, March 25, 1997               TAG: 9703250037

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E1   EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Column 

SOURCE: Elizabeth Simpson

                                            LENGTH:   73 lines

MATTEL COULD USE A NEW LINE OF DOLLS: REAL LIFE BARBIES

MY DAUGHTER has the fever.

She craves a woman with hair so blonde it could blind you, teeth dazzling white, and skin tone that would take a year's worth of tanning salon appointments for my daughter to achieve.

The woman of my daughter's dreams comes in many different outfits but her name is always the same. I know it well because I once had the fever: Barbie.

Like Cher and Prince, she requires no last name.

Oh sure, things have changed since my 1960s-era Barbies. My daughter now has more professional models to choose from: Doctor Barbie. Astronaut Barbie. Veterinarian Barbie.

But underneath it all, it's still the same old Barbie, the gal with the thousand-yard stare, the gravity-defying bosom, and the outfits that would never past muster in the real world. If Astronaut Barbie ever goes into space with that form-fitting silver outfit, she's not making it past the ozone layer. And Doctor Barbie's short little skirts would last about an hour in a drafty hospital hallway.

I think Mattel could use a line of Real Life Barbies. I'd like to see:

Frumpy Barbie: She comes wearing sweat pants, sweat shirt, scrunched-down socks and no shoes. This Barbie's going to have to set her heels on the floor, for a change, unlike all the other Barbies whose feet are permanently molded into that painful, high-heel shape. She also comes with terry cloth house slippers she can wear down to the 7-Eleven to pick up some movie magazines. Accessories include a little TV set, a remote control and a bowl of popcorn.

Bad Hair Barbie: Uh-oh, Barbie got a bad perm job today. For once, this Barbie comes out of the box with really crummy-looking hair, not with those long, silky locks the others have. Bad Hair Barbie comes with a paper bag to wear over her head, and also a tiny electric shaver so Barbie can just buzz the bad hair right off to become. . .

Citadel Barbie: Comes with her own uniform, copy of her favorite Supreme Court ruling, and a fire extinguisher in case bunkmates decide to start a bonfire in her closet.

Mommy's Had A Bad Day at The Office Barbie: This one comes with a big box of chocolates and a container of Haagen-Dazs ice cream. Also, a little briefcase to slam down on the kitchen table when she gets home. If the infusion of chocolate is not potent enough, this Barbie can quickly transform into:

I've Got a Headache Barbie: Comes in a shapeless, football jersey nightgown, a mud mask and, not coincidentally, a single bed.

Menopausal Barbie: Comes with built-in hot and cold chambers for alternating flashes. Also comes with a fan, and a college catalog so she can change careers.

Just in case Barbie needs some male company, we decided to throw in a few Real-Life Kens. To wit:

Internet Ken: Forget Malibu tan Ken, this Ken spends most of his life sitting in a darkened room. He comes with his own computer, modem and CD-rom. His eyes are hanging halfway out of their sockets. And he comes with a tire iron that Barbie can use to wedge his fingers off the keyboard so she can surf the web, too.

Weekend Athlete Ken: Comes with crutches, leg and arm casts, sling, head bandage, blacked-out teeth, a big recliner chair and a pull string that whines, ``Honey, get me another beer, will ya?'' And in case you're looking for a matched set:

Working Parent Barbie and Ken: Comes with microwave, phone programmed to dial Pizza Hut, a VCR, videos and two cute little Barbie kids who have the fever. . . for those Barbies with high-heel feet. MEMO: To pass along ideas for future columns, please call INFOLINE at

640-5555, and press 4332. ILLUSTRATION: [Color Photo]

Associated Press

The woman of my daughter's dreams comes in many outfits, but her

name is always the same.

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