DATE: Tuesday, March 25, 1997               TAG: 9703250263

SECTION: LOCAL                   PAGE: B2   EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Column 

SOURCE: Guy Friddell 
                                            LENGTH:   61 lines

IS IT TIME TO RETIRE SOME OF THOSE VAPID TV ADS?

A subtlety creeping into TV commercials leaves some viewers vexed, reports Georgette Constant of Virginia Beach.

She cites one in which soothing images flash before you - a child in a swing or with a flower or a man in a boat - while a voice-over drones on and on in a monotone, neither rising or falling, not even at the end of a sentence.

It just leaves you hanging for the next one until the product appears at the end.

Yes, that one bemused me.

Other commercials seek to scare consumers into buying items, such as those trying to inveigle people to invest for retirement. Each ad has a canny, humorous edge that snares, then holds the viewers.

In one, a slim, fast-talking young fellow, who looks as if he may have just come from tennis, bursts upon the scene as his mother and father, a sedate, heavy-set couple, are at ease in arm chairs.

``Mom, Dad,'' he blurts, ``you were always there for me when I was growing up, and I'd always like to be there for you, but I won't!''

Just like that, he breaks the bad news.

Alarm crowds their faces, a shadow stealing across a sunny landscape.

``What's the problem?'' asks his father, trying to regain control.

``Well, I just never got around to investing any money,'' his son says.

``Oh dear!'' exclaims his mother.

``Hey, old people are getting more active all the time,'' her son says. ``To be honest, that's what I think is wrong with this country.

``It just doesn't realize how valuable you old folks are. Plenty of good jobs out there for hard-working people like yourselves! Now you two get out there and make me proud!''

Then he's off to tennis as his parents look at each other in dismay.

In another ad, the husband delivers the blow to his wife.

``Dear,'' he says to his wife, ``I want to talk to you about our retirement.''

``Oh, I have so many plans,'' she cries in delight.

``We can't,'' he says.

``What?'' she asks.

``Retire,'' he says. ``I'm even thinking about taking a second job. Remember how we used to talk about putting some money aside?''

``Yes.''

``Well, we never did.'' he says.

``How did that happen?'' she asks.

``Who knows! Listen, you like to get outdoors, don't you? Cut the grass? Lots of yards in this neighborhood. I see income potential here!''

Retirement, for her, suddenly has turned into working on the neighborhood's lawns.

In a third commercial, an older man with a compassionate face and deep voice is on the screen speaking directly to the viewer.

``You were the first choice for this promotion,'' he says. ``But we went for the person with the most education. Better luck next time.''

Then there's the tiniest wink of his left eye, saying, Now go sign up for the school in this commercial.

While the clever vignettes amuse by their very extravagance, there's a chill in the air.

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