
DATE: Sunday, June 1, 1997                  TAG: 9705290041

SECTION: COMMENTARY              PAGE: J1   EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Opinion

SOURCE: DAVE ADDIS
                                            LENGTH:   90 lines

DEEP BLUE BYTES DOWN ON REGION'S CONUNDRUMS

One of the great things about being a newspaper gumshoe is that people sometimes pass along secret stuff under the hilarious delusion that we can do something about it other than dust up the punctuation and put it in the newspaper.

And that's what we're doing with the following, which was handed to me by an IBM computer programmer I met behind an azalea bush outside the Ghent Inn just after closing last Thursday.

It seems that IBM has more in mind for its ``Deep Blue'' computer than simply turning chess champ Gary Kasparov into a bowlful of psycho-jelly before an international audience. Playing off that public relations coup, IBM is developing regional Deep Blue clones and putting them to work on local-government problems that are far more daunting than Mr. Kasparov's opening moves.

Here, according to the IBM game plan, is what they have in store for your town:

Deep Purple - The computer will calculate how many washed up 1960s rock bands can play the GTE Virginia Beach Amphitheater before A) all possibilities are exhausted, or B) every maudlin post-hippie baby boomer in the region has expired from natural causes. (Technical note: Each appearance by Jimmy Buffett increases the likelihood of ``Outcome B'' by an exponential factor that cannot be calculated using contemporary technology.)

Deep Who? - The computer will calculate the precise number of big-time sports magnates who, transfixed by the name ``Hampton Roads,'' are likely to locate a major-league franchise here. (Technical note: For research purposes, enterprises known popularly as Roller Derby, 9-Ball and Tiddley-Winks will not count.)

Deep Doo-Doo: The computer will calculate how low the city of Norfolk must set admission prices at Nauticus before original attendance estimates become valid. (Technical note: Program parameters should be adjusted to accept an outcome represented by a dollar sign and a negative number.)

Deep Rube - The computer will calculate the percentage of out-of-town visitors to Williamsburg who believe the ``Old Country'' theme park is actually in Europe. (Technical note: In weighting the results, any person who shows a passport while purchasing a ticket, or inquires if the ``Old Country'' has been granted NATO membership, will count double.)

Deep Tube - The computer will calculate the precise hour and day that traffic on the Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel will become tied into a knot so complex that it cannot be untangled by human intervention. (Technical note: Data may not be collected in the westbound lanes between 3 and 7 p.m. on a Friday, as preliminary calculations indicate that the anticipated outcome already occurred, at 4:46 p.m. on July 6, 1989. Programmers should use the term RAM with caution.)

Deep Zoo - The computer will calculate the precise parole date upon which the Virginia Tech football team will be able to field a complete squad on defense. (Technical note: Data may be adversely affected by unanticipated defections to the federal witness protection program.)

Deep Hoot - The computer will attempt to predict the date when Norfolk rises in civic revolt over the city's tit-for-tat deal to spend 300,000 taxpayer dollars to underwrite a ``whoopee'' bar at Waterside. (Technical note: Programmers should keep their hands off the software.)

Deep View - The computer will enact ``spell-check'' on every tattoo in Ocean View to determine the probability that any word longer than four letters will be spelled correctly. (Technical note: Shortened variations of ``mother,'' such as ``ma,'' ``mom,'' or ``mum,'' will be scored one-half point.)

Deep Brew - The computer will calculate beer consumption on Little Creek Road on the first Saturday night following the return of the Theodore Roosevelt battle group to determine at what hour the tap flow would be adequate to re-float the aircraft carrier. (Technical note: The word ``draft'' carries nautical and beverage connotations. To avoid confusion, insert ``lager'' for the latter). MEMO: Dave Addis is the editor of Commentary. Reach him at 446-2726, or

addis(AT)worldnet.att.net.

Deep Egg Foo - Computer will calculate

Deep Flooze

Deep Pew - The computer will calculate the increase in membership in

``The 700 Club'' when Pat Robertson promises CBN viewers that if no

hurricanes are threatening, he will use the available air time to pray

away their personal-property tax bills. (Technical note: The term 1040A

is not a page in the hymnal.)

Deep Wooze -