DATE: Tuesday, August 19, 1997              TAG: 9708190054

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E1   EDITION: FINAL 

SOURCE: BY JEAN NASH JOHNSON, THE DALLAS MORNING NEWS 

                                            LENGTH:  200 lines

HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILD GOOD MANNERS HOW CAN MANNERS BE TAUGHT TO YOUNGSTERS WHEN ADULTS WHOM THEY MIMIC, IDOLIZE AND EMBRACE ARE SO RUDE AND TOLERANT OF BAD BEHAVIOR.

THERE IS A whisper of Mozart playing in the background as kindergartner Michelle Davis enters the classroom.

``Good morning, Mrs. Meek.'' Michelle all but curtsies as she acknowledges her enrichment class instructor, Ruth Meek.

``Good morning to you, Michelle. How are you today?'' the teacher asks. ``I'm fine, thank you,'' Michelle returns.

As Michelle's classmates at the Providence Christian School in Dallas, Texas, file in, similar exchanges are made. It is clear that this is no ordinary classroom setting.

``These children don't think of this as a manners class,'' says Meek. ``It's so profoundly simple: Kindness begets good manners.''

A generation ago, such an exchange would take place without fanfare. When children today exhibit good manners, it is cause for celebration.

By Meek's standard, if you teach children to be kind, they will behave mannerly. But how can manners be taught to youngsters when the adults whom they mimic, idolize and embrace are so rude and tolerant of bad behavior?

If the surveys are to be believed, parents have grown up to be self-centered, unkind adults, making their children prone to the same behavior.

A recent U.S. News and World Report survey shows that 90 percent of the Americans polled say rudeness is a problem in this country. However, 99 percent say it is the next guy's fault because their own posture is fine. Similarly, a Gallup poll last year found that 77 percent of those asked said a lack of common courtesy is reaching a critical level in this country.

Think of what our children see and possibly imitate: We're swearing at motorists who cut us off on the freeway; we're bad-mouthing the neighbor for his barking dog; we're yelling at our spouses, our kids, the kids next door.

``We are very rude, aggressive and unruly,'' says manners expert Letitia Baldrige. Baldrige became so frustrated with bad behavior that she recently wrote a different kind of manners book - one aimed at parents. The result, ``More Than Manners! Raising Today's Kids to Have Kind Manners & Good Hearts'' (Rawson Associates, $23), is an intense look at what parents can do to turn the situation around.

``I think most of us would agree that civility has been eroding with an unfortunate acceleration in the '90s,'' she writes. Baldrige, too, concludes that children should be taught kindness.

Knowing the correct placement for the fork and the knife is fine, Baldrige says. But, ``then there are manners and good will toward others, which has little to do with form and presentation, and everything to do with the heart.''

To get to the heart of the matter, we need to understand how we got to this point. Lifestyle changes and conveniences have made it easy for parents to fall off the job.

Civility may have been lost when the '60s and '70s protesters - now parents - rebelled against the Establishment and declared there was a generation gap. They vowed to raise their children differently by being more like equals with them.

As a result, parents and experts say, parenting has been lax, and we see what this leads to - bad behavior, disrespect, crime and worse.

No one is suggesting that we turn back time. But no one could have anticipated the dramatic social and lifestyle changes either.

``I come from the generation where widowed grandparents lived with their children and their families - each one irritating the other, but each one learning and profiting from the other. ... The young learned how to defer, the older how to tolerate,'' Baldrige says.

Dr. Jane Rowe of the Brookhaven College early childhood development program says we've lost at-home training. Families are scattered, and the community and neighborhood support is gone.

``We have not taken the time as parents of one generation to teach the next generation. And there are many excuses: We're stressed out. There are no extended families around to help reinforce good behavior. Grandparents live in another state. We're working, both parents. We're moving all the time. We're single-parenting.

``But the bottom line is that children look to their parents for guidance.''

Beyond the home, Rowe says, teachers feel helpless. ``Modeling is so important. If we're rude in our homes, our children will be rude.'' The behavior is perpetuated, she says, when children spread poor habits at school.

The early childhood years, before kindergarten, are when she suggests parents check themselves and their offspring.

``There are several things parents can do before the school years. I'm in a two-working-parents family. ... You just have to make the extra effort. It's harder now, but that's just the way it is.''

Meek is confident about the parenting her students receive. ``You can tell that families are working on behavior at home.''

The children she teaches have attended the Enrichment III class once a week since the beginning of the school year. It is part of the North Dallas school's kindergarten curriculum.

Each session, they practice proper greetings and role-play various situations. They also are required to learn the ``21 Rules of This House,'' a guide from Noble Publishing (1-800-225-5259) that fundamentally teaches the Golden Rule. From the list, the students learn a number of do's, including: Forgive someone who is sorry, consider another's interest ahead of your own and clean up when you make a mess.

``We train our children to be `other-oriented,''' Meek says. ``We teach them responsibility first, rather than rights. These are lifetime values that will serve them well.''

Parents can't do it all. Schools and other institutions must help fill in the gaps, Providence headmistress Grace Monroe admits. ``We're so rushed. Eating dinner in our cars. Manners have to be rushed, too. We try to fill whatever void there is when children come to us.''

Carol Chester, head of the school's lower grades, sees the results when the children enter first grade. ``A child that is not trained cannot be taught. By the time the kindergartners from our Enrichment class reach the lower grades, they are focused, they're excited about learning.''

Rowe applauds Providence, but says it is the exception. Only the few can afford the high-quality training that private schools such as Providence provide, she says.

That means the public schools have to take on training, and that, says Rowe, is a challenge. ``It's difficult to teach remedial manners.

``I visit many day-care centers where the teachers and caregivers are yelling at the children. Mind you, teachers should never yell. But, when I ask them why they yell, they say it's because the children come to them talking that way. (Yelling) is what they understand.

``That tells me that we are rude in our homes, or children are getting it from TV. A child cannot learn manners or kindness sitting in front of the TV - particularly with the lack of quality programs.''

Television takes away from family time, Rowe says. If you must watch TV, she says, select programs that can be viewed together and talked about afterward.

``Don't feel bad about saying `no.' When two parents are working, there tends to be a lot of guilt, and we make up for it by being permissive,'' Rowe says.

Leniency should be replaced with old-fashioned values. ``I don't buy the notion that so-called quality time has to be spent indulging a child. You calendar your family time, just as you calendar all the activities. Cut down on some of the activities if you have to. Children are overscheduled anyway.''

Opportunities for teaching children good behavior come when you least expect them. For example, you and your child encounter an injured puppy while walking in the park. This is a perfect opportunity to teach kindness and concern.

Regular dialogue is a key to teaching, Rowe says. ``The traditional family meetings should be encouraged. Parents should even consider reviving family dinner once in a while.''

Jackie and Thomas Benjamin say communication receives top priority in their home. They hold a weekly family meeting during Saturday morning breakfast to talk about ``any and everything.''

The DeSoto, Texas couple smile when they hear that their friends say they have perfectly polite kids. They say despite their well-run family life, theirs is not a June and Ward Cleaver household.

The Benjamins, in fact, are raising 5-year-old Andrew and 11-year-old Candice under very modern conditions. Jackie Benjamin works full time as a senior underwriting specialist for a major Dallas firm. Thomas Benjamin is self-employed and works from home.

``Raising our children is the most important job of our lives,'' Jackie Benjamin says. ``And raising children is a constant process. Thomas and I are a packaged deal. We go to church together, and we give them good quality time.''

``We also try to live by example,'' Thomas Benjamin says. ``And we emphasize respect for others.''

In Harvard professor Robert Coles' new book, ``The Moral Intelligence of Children'' (Random House, $21.95), he speaks eloquently on teaching by example. He admits that this is no small feat for any parent.

Among the many stories of parents as role models, Coles cites one that poignantly describes the Benjamins and families like them.

In the passage from the best seller, two busy parents with demanding careers lament the lack of time they spend with their children. Yet, Coles notes, both showed strong work ethics and a hefty commitment to volunteerism.

Their daughter witnessed this, Coles writes, and drew ``on her parents' contemporary commitment in order to fashion some for herself.''

In life, he says, children get a visible, an audible, a palpable character-in-action lesson: what their parents say, why they say it, what they do, how they speak of what they do, if they speak about it.

The clear definition of living by example is the reason that Jackie Benjamin says she's not buying the excuse that children are ill-mannered because both their parents work or because of trends in society. ``It doesn't take a lot of time to set the tone. And you make the most of the time you have together. Spend the time always teaching, even when you're having fun.''

She says daughter Candice caught on to manners skills quickly. ``I'm blessed with Candice. She came here with a very sweet personality.''

Drew, however, is a work in progress, Mom says. ``He'll get it eventually,'' she says. Jackie Benjamin's confidence comes from knowing she and her husband have laid the foundation for a good heart.

``When people ask how is it that your children have such good manners, I tell them there is no magic formula. I tell them that I'm only doing with my children what my mother did with me. It comes naturally. We give them lots of love and attention. And we never give them reason to question our manners.''

The Benjamins criticize parents who don't correct their children when they act unkindly. Benjamin says children should be praised when they are thoughtful. But, parents should also immediately address a problem.

``When the kids misbehave, I like to get inside their heads and turn the situation around,'' Jackie Benjamin says. ``I always ask how they would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.''

What the Benjamins do boils down to the Providence formula: Teach the Golden Rule. Coles says it can't be taught too early. Teach your fetus, he says. Expectant parents and their concern for their growing child and for each other signals to the unborn child a sense of caring for others. ILLUSTRATION: Color staff illustration by Janet Shaughnessy

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WASHINGTON POST

Letitia Baldridge says parents must teach children manners. KEYWORDS: CHILDREN MANNERS

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