DATE: Sunday, November 2, 1997              TAG: 9710300641

SECTION: COMMENTARY              PAGE: J1   EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Opinion

SOURCE: DAVE ADDIS

                                            LENGTH:   62 lines

DRACULA? A WIMP. THE REAL BLOOD WILL GET SUCKED ON ELECTION DAY

Here's a modest proposal: We good citizens of the republic should lobby for greater separation between Halloween, which was the day before yesterday, and Election Day, which is the day after tomorrow.

I believe this because I am beginning to confuse the scary characters who promote The Day of the Dead with the scary characters who promote themselves for public office. It makes me want to vote for Dracula for governor because, against the current candidates, he would make the least pretense of his willingness to suck the blood out of all he encounters.

Also, when the going gets tough, Dracula can shift his form into a bat and fly off into the night, which is a trait a governor might find convenient. That's sort of what George Allen, our current governor, did last week when he decided to stiff the president of China and run off to campaign at - I kid you not - a ``weed and seed event'' in Petersburg with GOP candidate Jim Gilmore, who was 7 points ahead in the polls.

It must have been the Halloween Effect. Allen, the governor of the commonwealth that gave birth to western democracy, has a chance to show its fruits to Jiang Zemin, the dictator of a billion wretched communists, and he ducks out to Petersburg to watch a demonstration on how to clear ragweed from vacant lots.

Trick or treat, Jiang.

But the holiday theme for this election really was set by Doug Wilder, the grinning jack o'lantern of Virginia politics, when he teased everybody for weeks and then decided not to endorse his former running mate, Democrat Don Beyer, thus depriving Beyer of critical black votes that Wilder still manipulates.

Trick or treat, Don.

Wilder decided he was under no obligation to explain his thinking - which gives you an idea of how much he values the intellect of the body politick. Just toss some crumbs along the trail, he believes, and like Hansel and Gretel they'll follow blindly through any dark forest. Democrats should remember this when dealing with Wilder: A jack o'lantern can appear all bright and scary on the outside, but it's really nothing more than an overripe gourd.

Trick or treat, Doug.

Beyer's candle was burning none too bright during the campaign, either. He did a me-too on the car tax issue, then donned his fangs in a televised debate and tried to convince Virginians that Jim Gilmore, a family-values conservative, had a soft spot in his heart for pedophiles. Days later, after the TV lights had dimmed, he confessed that he didn't have his facts straight.

Trick or treat, Jim.

Putting up with all these tricks might be worth it if we could expect a Snickers bar in our bag somewhere down the line. Those whose reading is limited to yard signs will be looking for their treat next spring, with the death of the car tax. Imagine their surprise - Trick or treat, Virginia! - when the bills keep coming no matter who wins Tuesday's election.

Separating these holidays is a must. Maybe if we moved Election Day closer to Thanksgiving, everybody running for office would be a little more careful about the names they call and the promises they make. Then again, maybe not.

Still, I plan to vote Tuesday, and so should you. A little confusion is no reason to give up. Things could be worse. Jiang Zemin's name could be on the ballot. Alone.

So I'll see you at the polls - but I have to confess that when I get home, I'm gonna check my neck for tooth marks.

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