DATE: Friday, November 14, 1997             TAG: 9711140033

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E1   EDITION: FINAL 

SOURCE: BY LORRAINE EATON, STAFF WRITER 

                                            LENGTH:  158 lines

A GUIDE TO GOOD MANNERS BOOK HELPS TEENS' IMAGE

THERE'S NO way around it today's teens have an ugly image problem.

So ugly, in fact, that national pollsters were moved to determine how ugly it is. When asked what comes to mind when thinking about teen-agers, nearly 70 percent of adults answered ``rude'' on a 1997 national survey by Public Agenda titled ``Kids These Days: What America Really Thinks of the Next Generation.''

Despite the taint of their collective image, teens can take individual action, says Alex J. Packer, author of the recently published tome ``How Rude! The Teenagers' Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out.''

Good manners can turn almost any situation to a teen's advantage, Packer says. Manners are powerful tools that can help teens gain respect, protect their rights, stop rude people in their tracks and even make adults apologize.

The book's 450 tip-filled pages cover just about any situation a teen might face - from how to act in the locker room (don't get caught looking) to computer chat room etiquette (set your margins at 60 to 80 characters per line so your comments are readable on most computers) and even how to eat corn on the cob (ears are eaten from left to right). Skateboarding, snowboarding, carpooling and dealing with rude adults are also covered.

In fact, rude adults were the genesis of this guide.

``Inspiration,'' Packer says, ``was provided by countless ill-mannered, disgusting, selfish and arrogant adults who reminded me on a daily basis that we don't need another generation like that.''

We quizzed a few local teens on some points of etiquette, comparing their answers to the author's.

Q. Your boyfriend gives you a necklace for your birthday. He spent more than $300. Your parents say to give it back because boys his age shouldn't give girls your age such expensive presents. What would you do?

A real person's answer: ``Three hundred dollars?! I wouldn't accept it. I wouldn't even show it to my parents. I'd give it back right away. That's too much money. I'm only 16, man. That's too much.'' - Hattie Brown, junior at Indian River High

What the expert says: Proportion is the important element here. It can be easily determined by using the following formula:

P (EQ) V(over)NR (times) AG (over)AR (times) FGR(over)FRR (times) 3xy(over)pi symbol

In this equation, proportional appropriateness (P) is a function of the value (V) of the gift divided by the nature of the relationship (NR) times the age of the giver (AG) over the age of the receiver (AR) multiplied by the financial resources of the giver (FRG) divided by the financial resources of the receiver (FRR) times 3xy, where x equals service or kindness previously rendered and y equals unspoken messages, divided by pi.

According to this formula, the following gifts would not be appropriate in terms of proportion:

A bag of Doritos as a graduation present from your parents

A Lear jet as a graduation present from your parents

A $300 necklace from a 16-year-old boyfriend

Q. You baby-sit a lot for this one family and like the kids. But every time you arrive, the mom asks you to do the laundry or clean up from their dinner or something like that. What do you do?

What a real person says: ``If she's paying me to do it , I guess I do it. If she's not, I think I would ask my mom to tell her. I don't think I would say anything to her. I think it would be rude, not my place as a baby-sitter.'' - Angie D'Antonio, senior at Catholic High

What the expert says: Angie, you've got leverage. Since a good baby-sitter is worth her weight in gold, you're at a definite advantage. Simply say to the mother, ``I really enjoy baby-sitting for your family, but I don't feel housework should be part of my responsibilities.'' If you are willing to do extra work for extra pay, you can mention this, too.

Q. You see someone in a wheelchair. You know it's polite to help but have heard that handicapped people don't want to be helped and might get mad if you try. What do you do?

What a real person says: ``Um. Hmm. Hmm. I'd probably ask if they need help. I wouldn't just do it without asking.'' - Barbara Wray, sophomore at Bayside High School

What the expert says: Barbara, you get a perfect score. In addition to asking if the person wants help, there are other things you can do. When speaking to wheelchair users, try to position yourself at their eye level. Sit down and face them, or if you're standing, bend at the waist. But don't squat or kneel. This might come across as being condescend-ing.

Q. You're on a bus and the person next to you tries to start a conversation. You don't want to be rude, but your parents have told you not to talk to strangers. What do you do?

What a real person says: ``Well, let me see. Actually, I would talk to the person, because I'm older now. When I was little I didn't talk to people and I'd either hide behind my mother or move away to another seat.'' - Jaclyn Walker, junior at I.C. Norcom High

What the expert says: If you're a teen-ager and your parents still enforce this ruling, it may be time to talk. While a 7-year-old shouldn't talk to strangers, for a teen-ager in a safe place with plenty of people around - public buses, waiting rooms, airports - it would be a shame to slam the door on the many interesting souls whose paths you will cross.

If someone persists in having a conversation against your wishes, you can move to another seat. Or say, ``I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but I have a test tomorrow and I need to use this time to think about my answers.''

Q. Your friend calls his stepfather ``Larry.'' What should you call him?

What a real person says: ``Uh, whatever his last name is - Mr. Whatever. I always think of people's parents as authority figures and try to respect them.'' - Brent Stackhouse, senior at Tallwood High

What the expert says: Brent, your answer is almost perfect. You should call him anything he asks you to. If he doesn't ask for anything specific, call him Mr. Whatever-His-Last-Name-Is.

Q. You've done something terrible to one of your friends. You have been avoiding each other ever since, but you want to be friends again. What do you do?

What a real person says: ``What do I do? Hmm. Hmm. I would call the person up and try to work it out. If the person hung up on me, then I'd have to forget the friendship, because I can't take that. But I don't do awful things.'' - Nicole Hannans, senior at Kempsville High

What the expert says: The only thing that you can do is apologize. Do this in person or by writing a note. Don't hedge your apology. Don't make excuses or minimize what happened, or place any blame on your friend for ``being too sensitive'' or ``not being able to take a joke.'' Take full responsibility for the terrible thing that you did, and make it clear that you are profusely and abjectly sorry.

Q. You're a vegetarian, and when your friends invite you over to their house to eat, they usually serve meat. What do you do?

What a real person says: ``I usually don't eat red meat and I usually say, `I don't eat red meat.' I don't pick around it or anything. Sometimes they make fun of me, but they are really OK with it.'' - Caitlin Stine, senior at Granby High

What the expert says: Righto, Caitlin. But take the opportunity of the invitation itself to explain your food preferences. Tell your friend that you don't eat meat, then hasten to explain that you'll be perfectly satisfied with the vegetables, salad and other non-meat foods.

In time, most of your friends (and their parents) will remember that you're a vegetarian, and they might even prepare vegetarian meals when you're their guest. Especially if your manners are so impeccable and your conversation so engaging that they can't wait for you to grace their table again.

QUIZ ANSWERS

Here are the answers to sample questions on Page E1 from the book ``How Rude! The Teenagers' Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out.'':

1. Wear a shirt in the public areas of the house, with the understanding that you can take it off in the privacy of your bedroom. If your mother will agree to knock before entering, this will give you time to indulge her by throwing on a shirt.

2. Only if they ask you to. Otherwise it's ``Doctor'' or ``Mister,'' ``Mrs.,'' ``Miss'' or ``Ms.'' Followed by their last names, of course.

3. Give the person's hand one final, authoritative squeeze. Then withdraw your hand while warmly intensifying eye and verbal contact. This shows that it's his hand, not his company, from which you wish to remove yourself.

4. ``Moo.'' MEMO: "How Rude! The Teenagers Guide... is available from Free Spirit

Publishing, $19.95 ILLUSTRATION: Color staff illustration by Janet Shaughnessy/The

Virginian-Pilot

How to be Polite

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